I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...
Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.
I was so proud.
Who does Mr. Salt go to when he has back pain?
Lets go back to the future!
My wife is returning to the office and thus has to go back to wearing work outfits. One of her complaints was that wearing a bra was such a drag...
I’ve always found them to be very uplifting.
Why should you keep at least a buck in your back pocket when you go gambling?
So you can bet your bottom dollar
Just got back from riding some go karts with my son.
We had a wheely good time.
where does the pharaoh go when his back hurts
Why didn't the mayonnaise want to go back in the fridge?
Because it saw the salad dressing
I used to upholster furniture for a living and hated it. My boss switched me to packing for a while then switched me back. I hate it so bad I have to go to a support group. Talking helps me to do the damned job.
I want to go back to the time when I was dating my wife.
So I can break up with her.
Yesterday I ate a clock it was very time consuming. I had to go back for seconds.
How far back in time did the hungry time traveler go?
He went back four seconds
I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life
"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
I gave my daughter money to go buy a dog at the pet store. She disobeyed and came back with a cat instead.
You’ve got to be kitten me.
My recliner and I go way back.
What do you call it when you go back for another helping of ice cream?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they leave, they were never yours. If they come back, they were a boomerang.
I sprained my back while trying to see how low I could go, but there's nobody around to help me up.
The clocks go back in October?
Well I'm fucked!
I have no idea where I bought mines from!?
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
Who does a lamb go to if it has back pain?
My date asked me to go back to her place for "a movie". I said sure.
She said, "How does popcorn sound?"
I said, "Crunchy."
A barber just told me I should go for a business in the front, party in the back style....
.....I told him I'd mullet over....
My watch is on a diet. It can't go back for seconds
People don't believe me when I tell them how far my dog will go to bring back sticks...
They think it's too far fetched, but he's a great retriever!
Mozart’s wife made him go back to the grocery store to buy the food she had wanted.
He really should have remembered to bring the Chopin Liszt.
11 years ago my mother decided to go back and finish school. She earned her bachelors, masters, and just got her PhD. She asked if I was proud of her
"What's with the third degree?"
After a long trip back home, my mother announced “If anyone has to go to the restroom, go now.” And I continued:
“Or forever hold your pee!”
My wife keeps waking me up to go turn off the computer and then turn it back on again.
I hate these late night rebooty calls.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM!” I told my kid. She ran into her room and shored back at me “JUST FYI, JIM MORRISON IS OVERRATED!”
She’s so grounded. I’ve warned her repeatedly about slamming The Doors in this house!
Edit: shored= shouted obviously, damn fat fingers
"Enter heaven or go back to Earth, which would you like more?", asked St. Peter.
I'd like to go back but I'm no More.
My buddy Mark and I just got back from a great hike, but we can't go back...
Because now it's an un-Marked trail.
My mother asked me to pick up chocolate coins for the kids on the way to her Hanukkah party. When the store on my route didn't have any and I showed up with regular chocolate, she started crying and begged me to go back out to a different store.
I yelled, "No mom! I'm so sick of your gelt trips!"
WW2 vets. Did you continue treating animals after the war or go back to your day jobs?
Why did Indiana Jones go back to school?
He didn't quite learn the ropes yet
The weather man said to set my clock back an hour before I go to bed.
Why do I have to do it an hour before I go to bed?
(My Dad actually just said this.)
Why did the corn maze go back to school?
It was tired of working in a dead end field.
If you only have one dock, so you go back in time to build yourself another dock, what do you have?
A paradox.
If you freeze it, then it's paradoxicle
What does a time machine need in order to go back to the era of the 3 stooges?
Why do dogs' ears go back when they rub?
My dad dropped this one just before my brother had to go back to college.
Context: my family is about to eat dinner, my brother is going to get a ride back to college right after we finish eating.
Mom: "I feel like we need a toast or something."
Dad: "well we've got some bread right here!"
My Buddy: "Yeah I don't really like the iPhone but I might go back to the Apple overlords for my next phone. You just can't beat their customer service."
Me: "Sure you can, they just start screaming and going on about assault and litigation."
Every time I go back to my parents house and am asked to take the bins out.
Me: Where's your bin?
Dad: On holiday.
Me: No where's your wheelie bin?
Dad: I wheelie been on holiday!
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