A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. “That’s one too many!” says the customer.
The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”
I can't stop taking money out of every cash machine I walk past...
Doctor has diagnosed I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms.
I just saw a couple guys in white face act like they were caught in a trap and can't walk out.
“Back in the day...” my dad started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
An Irishman walks out of a bar...
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
I was taking a walk this morning and this shrubbery came out of nowhere!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
Whenever I walk out to my backyard pond
My fish first pop out to say hello, but then quickly retreat to cover. Then they'll tease like they're coming out again, but then they'll shy away.
What makes them act so coy!?
Being a wheelchair user must be wheelie hard to move on especially when someone walks out on you
If he don’t love you anymore, just walk your slime ass out the door...
A Scotsman stumbles out of the bar and as he is walking down the street, he walks past a girl.
The girl asks, “is it true that there’s nothing under that kilt of yours?” The Scotsman replies, “why don’t you reach under and see for yourself?” The girl reaches under his kilt and quickly removes her hand. “Dear god, that’s gruesome!”
The Scotsman replied back “Aye, and if you reach up under there again, you’ll see it’s gruesome more.”
I was at work when i passed by the interviewer's office and saw a small bear walk out depressed, I went in and asked "Whats his deal?"
They said he wasn't Koalafied
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
I went out for a walk and saw a face mask grow bigger and bigger
Then it hit me...lesson learned
A Government think tank have carried out a survey looking into how people walk home from the pub...
The results are staggering.
Santa walks into a bar and cheerily calls out “Ho, Ho, Ho”
The barmen says “ they prefer to be called strippers”.
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
A sweet old man who stops by to chat when he goes out for a walk told us this joke. (His wife had said "Don't tell anyone your silly joke... It's horrible.")
Old Man : "Never fall in love with a tennis professional."
Us : "Why Not?"
Old Man : "Because love means nothing to them."
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his zipper.
Bartender: "Hey buddy, you know you have steering wheel attached to your Willy?"
Pirate: "Aaarrrrr.... It's driving me nuts."
On the dad joke scale, I got my first ever eye-roll and sharp exhale WITH a walk out of the room from my wife!
Me: Today was an awful day at work
Wife: Are you serious? Tell me about it
Me: I’m not Sirius, I’m your husband. And Itt was a short, hirsute creature who looked short of like a haystack with sunglasses; he was Gomez’s cousin and spoke in high pitched gibberish all the time. Now if we could get back to my day...
Watched my wife walk out on me through my window yesterday
I guess it was window pain
I went for a walk and passed out!
When I came to, I hadn't the faintest idea why!
A priest, a nun and a donkey walk out of a bar
damn it, they are already walking out again, we missed the joke
Whenever my friend walks into a room, he has this weird habit of taking the batteries out of all the clocks.
He claims he can stop it at any time.
A Man In a Ski Mask Walks into a Bank, and Pulls out a Coffee Cup at the Bank Teller.
The Bank Teller Goes: " Are you Trying to Mug me?! "
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a turban made out of paper towels.
Bartender: What the hell?
Pirate: Arrr, there is a Bounty on me head.
You’re American when you walk into a bathroom and you’re American when you come out. But do you know what you are while you’re in there?
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender tells him to get the hell out.
He says, “What’s wrong? I’m a fun guy!”
I was in the queue for a nightclub. Just as I was about to walk in the bouncers put their arms out to stop me.
They said, "You can't come in, we're full."
I said, "I'll come back when you're hungry then."
A mouse walks up to a watering hole in the jungle and shouts, "Hippo! You get out of the water!"
The hippo gets out and the mouse says, "Fine, you can get back in!"
He shouts at the elephant, "Hey chubby! Get out the water!"
The elephant gets out and the mouse says, "Ok, you can get back in."
The mouse does this to a gorilla, giraffe and rhino as well.
Finally, the lion snaps and roars, "What's your problem mouse!?"
The mouse says, "I wanted to see which one of you stole my trunks!"
A black guy and a Mexican walk into a bar. They came out with a broken arm and leg.
What type of bar was it?
A metal bar
A man walks into a bar with a blade sticking out his eye
The bartender says "you're looking sharp"
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
That experience was chilling.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
...one says to the other, "you walking home?"
"Nah, I'm cabinet."
Rope walks into the bar. Bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve ropes here. Rope walks out, messes himself up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar. Bartender asked if he’s a rope!
Rope replies I’m a frayed knot.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”
“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, “What’s with the steering wheel? That can’t be very comfortable.”
The pirate replies, “Aye, it’s driving me nuts.”
An Irishman walks out of a bar...
You’re Canadian when you walk into he bathroom, you’re Canadian when you walk out. But what are you in the bathroom
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants....
The bartender says, “what’s up with that?” The pirate says, “Arrrrrr it’s driving me nuts!”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheeling sticking out of his crotch. The bartender says, “Hey man, what’s with the wheel?”
The pirate says back, “Arrr! it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
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