A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, βGet out. We donβt serve rope in here.β So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, βHey! Arenβt you the rope that I just threw out?β
The rope replied, βNo. Iβm a frayed knot.β
π︎ 12k
π
︎ May 27 2020
An Irishman walks out of a bar...
π︎ 39
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
βBack in the day...β my dad started to say. βYou could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...β he lamented...
βWherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
π︎ 190
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
I was taking a walk this morning and this shrubbery came out of nowhere!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. βThatβs one too many!β says the customer.
The clerk replies βItβs a freebieβ
π︎ 23k
π
︎ Mar 11 2020
Whenever I walk out to my backyard pond
My fish first pop out to say hello, but then quickly retreat to cover. Then they'll tease like they're coming out again, but then they'll shy away.
What makes them act so coy!?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, βGive me all your money or youβre geography!β
The teller replies, βDonβt you mean history?β
The robber says, βDonβt change the subject!"
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Oct 22 2019
Being a wheelchair user must be wheelie hard to move on especially when someone walks out on you
π︎ 60
π
︎ May 07 2020
A Scotsman stumbles out of the bar and as he is walking down the street, he walks past a girl.
The girl asks, βis it true that thereβs nothing under that kilt of yours?β The Scotsman replies, βwhy donβt you reach under and see for yourself?β The girl reaches under his kilt and quickly removes her hand. βDear god, thatβs gruesome!β
The Scotsman replied back βAye, and if you reach up under there again, youβll see itβs gruesome more.β
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 10 2020
I was at work when i passed by the interviewer's office and saw a small bear walk out depressed, I went in and asked "Whats his deal?"
They said he wasn't Koalafied
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 23 2020
If he donβt love you anymore, just walk your slime ass out the door...
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 10 2020
I went out for a walk and saw a face mask grow bigger and bigger
Then it hit me...lesson learned
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 17 2020
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks βDo you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?β
The pirate replies, β Arrrgh, itβs drivinβ me nuts!β
π︎ 88
π
︎ Oct 16 2019
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
π︎ 280
π
︎ Jun 20 2019
Santa walks into a bar and cheerily calls out βHo, Ho, Hoβ
The barmen says β they prefer to be called strippersβ.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 24 2019
A Government think tank have carried out a survey looking into how people walk home from the pub...
The results are staggering.
π︎ 120
π
︎ Sep 28 2019
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 18 2019
I went for a walk and passed out!
When I came to, I hadn't the faintest idea why!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 29 2019
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his zipper.
Bartender: "Hey buddy, you know you have steering wheel attached to your Willy?"
Pirate: "Aaarrrrr.... It's driving me nuts."
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 13 2019
Watched my wife walk out on me through my window yesterday
I guess it was window pain
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 06 2019
On the dad joke scale, I got my first ever eye-roll and sharp exhale WITH a walk out of the room from my wife!
Me: Today was an awful day at work
Wife: Are you serious? Tell me about it
Me: Iβm not Sirius, Iβm your husband. And Itt was a short, hirsute creature who looked short of like a haystack with sunglasses; he was Gomezβs cousin and spoke in high pitched gibberish all the time. Now if we could get back to my day...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 22 2019
A priest, a nun and a donkey walk out of a bar
damn it, they are already walking out again, we missed the joke
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 04 2019
Whenever my friend walks into a room, he has this weird habit of taking the batteries out of all the clocks.
He claims he can stop it at any time.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 15 2019
A man was out on a walk on a brisk night when he looked up to the stars and saw a flying saucer.
He couldn't believe his eyes. A real flying saucer! He wasn't sure if he should be afraid or excited so he found himself asking,"Are you a friend... or are UFO?"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 01 2019
A sweet old man who stops by to chat when he goes out for a walk told us this joke. (His wife had said "Don't tell anyone your silly joke... It's horrible.")
Old Man : "Never fall in love with a tennis professional."
Us : "Why Not?"
Old Man : "Because love means nothing to them."
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Aug 31 2015
Putting my son to be and he starts jumping in the bed and doing the regular bed time silly business. I get up to walk out and say βIβm going out nowβ
He replies with βIβm Leoβ. 10/10
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 02 2019
A Man In a Ski Mask Walks into a Bank, and Pulls out a Coffee Cup at the Bank Teller.
The Bank Teller Goes: " Are you Trying to Mug me?! "
π︎ 18
π
︎ Apr 29 2019
A mouse walks up to a watering hole in the jungle and shouts, "Hippo! You get out of the water!"
The hippo gets out and the mouse says, "Fine, you can get back in!"
He shouts at the elephant, "Hey chubby! Get out the water!"
The elephant gets out and the mouse says, "Ok, you can get back in."
The mouse does this to a gorilla, giraffe and rhino as well.
Finally, the lion snaps and roars, "What's your problem mouse!?"
The mouse says, "I wanted to see which one of you stole my trunks!"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 01 2019
I was in the queue for a nightclub. Just as I was about to walk in the bouncers put their arms out to stop me.
They said, "You can't come in, we're full."
I said, "I'll come back when you're hungry then."
π︎ 17
π
︎ Mar 30 2019
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender tells him to get the hell out.
He says, βWhatβs wrong? Iβm a fun guy!β
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 09 2019
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a turban made out of paper towels.
Bartender: What the hell?
Pirate: Arrr, there is a Bounty on me head.
π︎ 53
π
︎ Jun 07 2018
Youβre Canadian when you walk into he bathroom, youβre Canadian when you walk out. But what are you in the bathroom
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 18 2018
Youβre American when you walk into a bathroom and youβre American when you come out. But do you know what you are while youβre in there?
π︎ 35
π
︎ Jun 20 2018
A black guy and a Mexican walk into a bar. They came out with a broken arm and leg.
What type of bar was it?
A metal bar
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 26 2019
A man walks into a bar with a blade sticking out his eye
The bartender says "you're looking sharp"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 25 2019
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
That experience was chilling.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 10 2019
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
...one says to the other, "you walking home?"
"Nah, I'm cabinet."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 17 2019
So a man walks into a diner and says to the waiter βIβll take a cup of coffee with no creamer.β And then the waiter says βSorry sir, weβre out of creamer. Can I get you a cup of coffee with no milk?β
π︎ 26
π
︎ Nov 13 2017
*dad walks out of labyrinth of corn*
Me: how was it dad?
Dad: i was amazed
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jun 30 2017
A guy walks out of a hotel and says to the doorman, "Call me a cab."
"You're a cab."
Overheard a dad say that to his two young boys while walking to the train this morning.
π︎ 212
π
︎ May 21 2015
A man walks out of a pub and starts pouring his drink out on the street
His friend, confused, asks "What are you doing??"
He replies "That's one for the road"
(actual joke told by my dad)
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 30 2017
if someone walks out of line in a gay parade, is he walking straight?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 13 2017
Get my prego wife every night with this gem when when she goes out for walks after dark and wears a safety vest
'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things while you're out there.... especially car headlights!'
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 24 2015
If I get a pedicure and walk out without paying...
Would that be considered pedi theft?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 08 2017
When I was upset as a child, my Dad would always walk in my room, say this with a stone cold face, and then walk out.
Dad: Son I know you're upset. Know what my grandfather used to tell me when I was feeling this down?
Me: sniff What, Dad?
Dad: He would tell me, "Sonny, you stay here, I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandma."
....he also tells my friends this when they come over upset.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Oct 22 2013
Watched my pregnant wife walk over to the fridge and pull out a bottle of Poland Springs. As she was coming back sit down I said "Shouldn't you be holding that with both hands?"
"We wouldn't want your water to break."
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 24 2016
My brother and I were playing xbox, and our dad walks out of the kitchen and asks us, "Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?"
We say, "We dunno," and he responds, "So he could get a long little doggie."
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 27 2013
So, I made my co-worker walk out the room.
Today at work, my co-worker and I are decorating the group home we are working in for Christmas. As she finishes decorating the tree, she asks;
Her: The tree looks nice. I don't want to put the rest of the ornaments on it though, cause it'll look clutter. What should we do?
Me: Well... we can always deck the halls?
Followed by lots of laughing while she face palmed and walked out the room.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 07 2014
Overheard this groaner out for a walk today.
How is it possible for all of these frogs to populate so quickly?
I dunno, maybe because they're horny.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 05 2014
Two amoebas walk out of a bar...
The first looks up and says, "Is that a new moon?"
The other turns to him and replies, "I don't know, I'm not from around here."
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 30 2013
A father and his son walk out of restaurant.
On my way into a restaurant I took my hat off and put in my jacket pocket. On my way out it was still in my pocket.
Me:Dad. Before you ask, I still have my hat. I didn't forget t
Dad:Hey ollien
Me:Yeah?
Dad:Do you have your hat?
Me:I just told you I had my hat.
Dad:Well you said before you ask!
Oh you...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 12 2013
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, βGive me all your money or youβre geography!β
The teller replies, βDonβt you mean history?β
The robber says, βDonβt change the subject!"
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Jun 02 2018
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, βWhatβs with the steering wheel? That canβt be very comfortable.β
The pirate replies, βAye, itβs driving me nuts.β
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 12 2019
An Irishman walks out of a bar...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 10 2019
βBack in the day...β my grandfather started to say. βYou could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.β
βBut today...β he continued. βWherever you go, there are cameras...β
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jun 04 2018
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants....
The bartender says, βwhatβs up with that?β The pirate says, βArrrrrr itβs driving me nuts!β
π︎ 17
π
︎ Nov 26 2018
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheeling sticking out of his crotch. The bartender says, βHey man, whatβs with the wheel?β
The pirate says back, βArrr! itβs drivinβ me nuts!β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 26 2018
You walk into a bathroom American and you come out American, what are you in the bathroom?
π︎ 35
π
︎ Jan 14 2017
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.