A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
An Irishman walks out of a bar...
“Back in the day...” my dad started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
I was taking a walk this morning and this shrubbery came out of nowhere!
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. “That’s one too many!” says the customer.
The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”
Whenever I walk out to my backyard pond
My fish first pop out to say hello, but then quickly retreat to cover. Then they'll tease like they're coming out again, but then they'll shy away.
What makes them act so coy!?
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
Being a wheelchair user must be wheelie hard to move on especially when someone walks out on you
A Scotsman stumbles out of the bar and as he is walking down the street, he walks past a girl.
The girl asks, “is it true that there’s nothing under that kilt of yours?” The Scotsman replies, “why don’t you reach under and see for yourself?” The girl reaches under his kilt and quickly removes her hand. “Dear god, that’s gruesome!”
The Scotsman replied back “Aye, and if you reach up under there again, you’ll see it’s gruesome more.”
I was at work when i passed by the interviewer's office and saw a small bear walk out depressed, I went in and asked "Whats his deal?"
They said he wasn't Koalafied
If he don’t love you anymore, just walk your slime ass out the door...
I went out for a walk and saw a face mask grow bigger and bigger
Then it hit me...lesson learned
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
Santa walks into a bar and cheerily calls out “Ho, Ho, Ho”
The barmen says “ they prefer to be called strippers”.
A Government think tank have carried out a survey looking into how people walk home from the pub...
The results are staggering.
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
I went for a walk and passed out!
When I came to, I hadn't the faintest idea why!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his zipper.
Bartender: "Hey buddy, you know you have steering wheel attached to your Willy?"
Pirate: "Aaarrrrr.... It's driving me nuts."
Watched my wife walk out on me through my window yesterday
I guess it was window pain
On the dad joke scale, I got my first ever eye-roll and sharp exhale WITH a walk out of the room from my wife!
Me: Today was an awful day at work
Wife: Are you serious? Tell me about it
Me: I’m not Sirius, I’m your husband. And Itt was a short, hirsute creature who looked short of like a haystack with sunglasses; he was Gomez’s cousin and spoke in high pitched gibberish all the time. Now if we could get back to my day...
A priest, a nun and a donkey walk out of a bar
damn it, they are already walking out again, we missed the joke
Whenever my friend walks into a room, he has this weird habit of taking the batteries out of all the clocks.
He claims he can stop it at any time.
A man was out on a walk on a brisk night when he looked up to the stars and saw a flying saucer.
He couldn't believe his eyes. A real flying saucer! He wasn't sure if he should be afraid or excited so he found himself asking,"Are you a friend... or are UFO?"
A sweet old man who stops by to chat when he goes out for a walk told us this joke. (His wife had said "Don't tell anyone your silly joke... It's horrible.")
Old Man : "Never fall in love with a tennis professional."
Us : "Why Not?"
Old Man : "Because love means nothing to them."
Putting my son to be and he starts jumping in the bed and doing the regular bed time silly business. I get up to walk out and say “I’m going out now”
He replies with “I’m Leo”. 10/10
A Man In a Ski Mask Walks into a Bank, and Pulls out a Coffee Cup at the Bank Teller.
The Bank Teller Goes: " Are you Trying to Mug me?! "
A mouse walks up to a watering hole in the jungle and shouts, "Hippo! You get out of the water!"
The hippo gets out and the mouse says, "Fine, you can get back in!"
He shouts at the elephant, "Hey chubby! Get out the water!"
The elephant gets out and the mouse says, "Ok, you can get back in."
The mouse does this to a gorilla, giraffe and rhino as well.
Finally, the lion snaps and roars, "What's your problem mouse!?"
The mouse says, "I wanted to see which one of you stole my trunks!"
I was in the queue for a nightclub. Just as I was about to walk in the bouncers put their arms out to stop me.
They said, "You can't come in, we're full."
I said, "I'll come back when you're hungry then."
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender tells him to get the hell out.
He says, “What’s wrong? I’m a fun guy!”
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a turban made out of paper towels.
Bartender: What the hell?
Pirate: Arrr, there is a Bounty on me head.
You’re Canadian when you walk into he bathroom, you’re Canadian when you walk out. But what are you in the bathroom
You’re American when you walk into a bathroom and you’re American when you come out. But do you know what you are while you’re in there?
A black guy and a Mexican walk into a bar. They came out with a broken arm and leg.
What type of bar was it?
A metal bar
A man walks into a bar with a blade sticking out his eye
The bartender says "you're looking sharp"
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
That experience was chilling.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
...one says to the other, "you walking home?"
"Nah, I'm cabinet."
So a man walks into a diner and says to the waiter “I’ll take a cup of coffee with no creamer.” And then the waiter says “Sorry sir, we’re out of creamer. Can I get you a cup of coffee with no milk?”
*dad walks out of labyrinth of corn*
Me: how was it dad?
Dad: i was amazed
A guy walks out of a hotel and says to the doorman, "Call me a cab."
"You're a cab."
Overheard a dad say that to his two young boys while walking to the train this morning.
A man walks out of a pub and starts pouring his drink out on the street
His friend, confused, asks "What are you doing??"
He replies "That's one for the road"
(actual joke told by my dad)
if someone walks out of line in a gay parade, is he walking straight?
Get my prego wife every night with this gem when when she goes out for walks after dark and wears a safety vest
'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things while you're out there.... especially car headlights!'
If I get a pedicure and walk out without paying...
Would that be considered pedi theft?
When I was upset as a child, my Dad would always walk in my room, say this with a stone cold face, and then walk out.
Dad: Son I know you're upset. Know what my grandfather used to tell me when I was feeling this down?
Me: sniff What, Dad?
Dad: He would tell me, "Sonny, you stay here, I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandma."
....he also tells my friends this when they come over upset.
Watched my pregnant wife walk over to the fridge and pull out a bottle of Poland Springs. As she was coming back sit down I said "Shouldn't you be holding that with both hands?"
"We wouldn't want your water to break."
My brother and I were playing xbox, and our dad walks out of the kitchen and asks us, "Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?"
We say, "We dunno," and he responds, "So he could get a long little doggie."
So, I made my co-worker walk out the room.
Today at work, my co-worker and I are decorating the group home we are working in for Christmas. As she finishes decorating the tree, she asks;
Her: The tree looks nice. I don't want to put the rest of the ornaments on it though, cause it'll look clutter. What should we do?
Me: Well... we can always deck the halls?
Followed by lots of laughing while she face palmed and walked out the room.
Overheard this groaner out for a walk today.
How is it possible for all of these frogs to populate so quickly?
I dunno, maybe because they're horny.
Two amoebas walk out of a bar...
The first looks up and says, "Is that a new moon?"
The other turns to him and replies, "I don't know, I'm not from around here."
A father and his son walk out of restaurant.
On my way into a restaurant I took my hat off and put in my jacket pocket. On my way out it was still in my pocket.
Me:Dad. Before you ask, I still have my hat. I didn't forget t
Dad:Hey ollien
Me:Yeah?
Dad:Do you have your hat?
Me:I just told you I had my hat.
Dad:Well you said before you ask!
Oh you...
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, “What’s with the steering wheel? That can’t be very comfortable.”
The pirate replies, “Aye, it’s driving me nuts.”
An Irishman walks out of a bar...
“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”
“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants....
The bartender says, “what’s up with that?” The pirate says, “Arrrrrr it’s driving me nuts!”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheeling sticking out of his crotch. The bartender says, “Hey man, what’s with the wheel?”
The pirate says back, “Arrr! it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
You walk into a bathroom American and you come out American, what are you in the bathroom?
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