Why did Bruce Lee get scared by his cousin from Sudan? Because cousin SudanLee appeared out of nowhere.
πŸ‘︎ 309
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πŸ‘€︎ u/osksama1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
By my 3yo - why did the spider get his laptop?

To go to the website!

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MassiveMastiff
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I waited all afternoon to get my Covid vaccine in our small remote village, by the time it was my turn, they were administering them by candlelight...

I’m really not sure how effective they are, seems as if they are a shot in the dark.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A priest in the woods has been attacked by a pack of wolves. In a moment of desperation, the priest started to ask God how to get out of this situation.

The wolves may be predators but he pray

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MegaFamous
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
By buddies and I were drinking beer and cracking jokes, but things started to get out of hand.

It was quite the brew-haha.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I was at the store with my wife picking out a turkey and she seemed unimpressed by the size. She asked "do they get any bigger?"

I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm building my own guitar, but every time I look at the wood I've bought for it, I get overwhelmed by anxiety about how it will turn out.

I shouldn't have started with the fretboard.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arrenlex
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Pikachu gets stabbed by a Jamaican man and then asks why?

The Jamaican man replies he just wanted to poke a mon.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/4294
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Every summer I get bit by one thousand and twenty four bugs.

My wife told me to get over it cause it was just one byte.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaosDragoon89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, β€œWhat’s it like Outside Right Now?” She replies,

β€œCurrently”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/axolitl-nicerpls
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
We need to be very careful about collapsing Wall Street so we don’t get crushed by Roof Street

Posted on shower thoughts first, they told me to bring it here. I should have thought of that first. Anyways here ya go.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/levainletlive
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
If you are offended by my dad jokes, don’t get mad and ask me to go to the artificial excavation filled with water.

I mean well.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaulFromTheParty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a Jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi

πŸ‘︎ 328
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πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.

I said, they absolutely have space- he’s only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ACSchnitzersport
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Smaller babies get delivered by the stork

Bigger babies need a crane

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Orion_Levy2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.

Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/levitron
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I may get in trouble by using weird symbols,

But it's my own asterisk.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I got my grandma a new walking frame made by NASA and she's starting to get the hang of it...

It's one small step for Nan....

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A joke told to me by a friend's child. How do bees get to school?

They take the buzzz

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nelesh01
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
So if you get knighted by Bill Gates

Does that make you an edge lord?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CeMaRiS1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it

Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!

πŸ‘︎ 574
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahh-potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I am trying to get in shape by running on my treadmill every morning

But I dont feel like I'm getting anywhere

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thesaurususaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the mummy get fined by the FCC?

Too much cursing.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealdjbc
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said β€œ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said

Bud-wei-ser?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/exier--
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
You know you're licked when you get home and are greeted by...

...your dog!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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These comments where from a clip where someone cleaning at a foreign range almost gets hit by a stray bullet
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PbyFortress
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
*Black gets hit by the Killing Curse*

Black: Harry, I’m dead.

Harry: Are you serious?

Black: Yes, I’m dead Sirius.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
By the way, I get these puns from an app called "dad jokes"
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/puffskeleton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.

He’s my cousin, twice [removed].

πŸ‘︎ 547
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.

Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."

πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LargeBigHuge
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What does it feel like to get hit by a wave frequency?

It hertz

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShinyBoiTB
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I get aroused by wrapping myself in an old, mangled garden hose

It's pretty kinky

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Wanted to get fit by starting running. Bought a book called How to Jog.

Imagine my disappointment when I realised it was Volume 9 of a 24-Volume encyclopaedia.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slobberchops_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I was so scared I might get taken by this van
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crow_Callsign
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, β€œGet a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, β€œThey had eggs.”

edit: I know guys, I know, it’s supposed to be 13, I messed up the wording, please forgive me

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheManicMonocle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend saw I was upset the other day and he said "It could be worse. You could be an irrigated hole in the ground surrounded by brick work that people use to get water"

It didn't help, but I knew he meant well

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HarryGoLocky
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the man driving the train get stuck by lightning?

He was a good conductor.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfy621
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I found a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.

It is kneadless, to say.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?

Because he couldn’t see that whale

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mszeedoubleu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...

Oops, wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superto3
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get jumped by a gang of clowns...

Go for the juggler

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samtheninjapirate
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The first thing I’ll say if Captain James Hook ever get hit by a truck is

β€œYou ain’t seeing half of the insurance money”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wu-Chinese
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate it when I get blinded by light in the morning.

That sun of a bitch

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poorly_timed_fuck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a Jack-o-lantern by its diameter

Pumpkin Pi

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/varunmohan02
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by the diameter?

Pumpkin pi

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/inthesky326
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report

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