"You're going to get tired!"
Matt.
Dog One says to his buddy: "Let's just go right in and beg for some meat."
Dog Two: "But the sign says 'No Dogs Allowed!' "
Dog One: "How would they know that we can read?"
No pun in ten did
Police have no suspects at this time, but they are combing the area.
But that's just naive.
Everyone says it looks stoopendous
Perplexed, I stared back at her and said: "That's an awkward thing to say to start a conversation!"
Just let that sink in.
Because he’s close to the edge
I'm not sure how I feel about this sudden change
Nana, nana, nana, nana, Batman
Doyouthinkhesaurus
Edit: I definitely forgot this came from Jurassic Park. So credit goes to that. But it’s still funny.
Like, what a jerk, I'm absolutely lipid
It just goes from bad to worse.
I'm not a huge fan of the bark.
I must have fallen on some hard Times.
I'm going to get kicked out of this IKEA.
It's equipped with keyless sentry
Because noble gases do not cause reactions.
A rich man walks up and before he can open the door the poor man rushes up,
“Please, sir. My wife. My wife is very sick and she’s going to die if she doesn’t get this surgery. It’s $10,000.00 which is nothing to a guy like you! Please, just this once, give me the money and I can save my wife’s life.”
The rich man pauses, thinks about it, then replies,
“What’s to keep you from taking that $10,000.00 and walking right in that casino and gambling all that money away?”
The poor man replies,
“Oh, I’ve already got gambling money”
They're making headlines!
Whoa! Is me!
Exhausted.
I said “woah, Butter fingers!”
I was pushing my daughter in a stroller and The young girl he was working with snorted and said “at least you’re a dad, you’re allowed to make bad jokes”
Proud moment.
In his accent, the officer commands the prisoners to stand up straight. He then tells them to move their body left and right in unison, whilst also saying 'tick' when they lean to the left, and 'tock' when they lean to the right, like a clock.
All the men bar one comply. The one only leans to left and says 'tick'. Irate, the officer shouts: "What are you doing? Why are you not tock-ing?!"
The man ignores him and continues to 'tick' to the left.
The officer leans in: "We have ways of making you TOCK!"
Because it's the Griffin Door.
She didn't get it. And didn't think it was funny when I explained it. I thought it might be better received here.
...yes, he really was Dadvertising me!
As he gave them to me, he said “Sure Dad — many hands make light work.”
He’s coming round slowly
"Not if there are public restrooms."
I can’t believe he annoyed the singer too! She composed a song on the spot, even better she guessed his name right.
“Joe, lean. Joe, lean. Joe lean!”
Tough crowd.
Not sure if I'll ever recover.
At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
It's been all right ever since
Then one day the shift hit the flan
The floor is larva
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."
He said, “Oh, that’s the pilot, Pontius Pilot!”
I'm just traveling light
Apparently screaming at the dismembered feet is not the usual response
Only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars."
