I got fired from my job at the glass factory for failing to declare my expenses.

Apparently transparency is very important to them.

(I'll let myself out...)

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rc538
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What's it called when you make a joke at a dead person's expense?

Posthumorus

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drunk98
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What does the Joker use to keep track of his chocolate toffee bar expenses?

Heath Ledger

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/richrawl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
🚨︎ report
A campsite was forced to freeze its operations for a whole day when a spiteful customer paid his entire expenses in 5 cent coins.

The campsite reports that it is the first time that they've encountered such a tent nickel difficulty.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
🚨︎ report
3 year old daughter had a joke at my expense

She tooted at the breakfast table and I told her to say "excuse me", and she did.

Then she says, "when you toot at the table you have to say 'excuse everybody'

Brutal.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juksayer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2016
🚨︎ report
Mom won Mother's Day at the expense of the church organist

Sitting in the backyard on a beautiful Mother's Day evening, the topic turned to our church organist who is absolutely awful and serves as the source of much pain and humor for my family.

Dad: After all these years you would think he would be able to play at least one song without a mistake.

Mom: In his defense, the pay is almost nonexistent. It's basically volunteer. So his heart is in the right place. pause His fingers just aren't!

Belly laughs all around. She was bright red laughing at her own joke. Well deserved.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pantsthemusical
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
🚨︎ report
What’s the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterDistrict1
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are baloons so expensive?

Inflation

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fixkoalabeertje
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are bouncy castles getting so expensive?

Because of the inflation

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tahadalal5253
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
A lobster and a shrimp opened a highly expensive pufferfish shop.

I guess selfish shellfish sell swell fish.

πŸ‘︎ 319
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What country is home to the world’s most expensive rollercoaster?

Coaster Rica

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaChuteQuiMarche
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call an expensive car that can flex?

Mercedes-Bends.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pauly_pasqually
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places..

But I just left the gas station.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
What would you call an expensive muskox?

An Elon muskox.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Double amputations are so expensive

I had one that cost me an arm and a leg

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nuclear-trail-mix
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
my wife said I had to choose between my two expensive hobbies: gardening, or audiophile

I agonized over the choice before realizing it was quite simple.

but of course, bose before hose!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Swimming with sharks sure is expensive...

It cost me an arm and a leg

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyndawwquil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Bird seed costs $25. Some people think it's expensive.

But I think it's cheep cheep cheep

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peterburk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...

Orchid

πŸ‘︎ 167
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoobidyMcBoobidy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are Tesla cars so expensive?

Because they charge a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Artisticspawm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.

It’s because they charge a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 246
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OPs_Mom_and_Dad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Expensive balloons
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeWhoHonks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Basin
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Three of the Teletubbies went shopping at the most expensive department store in town.

The fourth couldn’t afford to because she was Po.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My son asked me what the difference was between horsepower and torque. I explained that horsepower is often more expensive the greater the amount...

...whereas torque is cheap.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I know why Tesla's are expensive. They charge a lot.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DerFuhrer_69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Man, hot air balloon rides keep getting more expensive every year.

But I guess that’s just inflation.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigFrank97
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought some really expensive, bendable rulers yesterday

I guess they were very flexy

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Raaxen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call really expensive Velcro?

A rip-off!

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DantheMan350V2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are bull testicles so expensive?

Deer testicles are usually under a buck!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Elver-Galarga7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are new tires so expensive?

A lot of it is inflation.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/robindc_93
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is buffalo chicken more expensive than regular chicken?

Because buffalo chicken is harder to catch.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Expensive fruit. (iaio #100)
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MetropolisCourier
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Bungee jumping is so expensive ...

I expected a free fall.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/afarro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
When I have expensive medical bills -

Does that mean I had a valuable experience?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Plausibl3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very expensive restaurant.

Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that small piece of potato, and there it was!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig.

But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Parry_Hotter_69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve just been informed that a distant relative left me a very expensive watch in his will.

I hope it’s not a wind up

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I made the most expensive Mac & Cheese ever.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are bridges so expensive?

It’s all overhead

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ironicplatypus84
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Darth Vader's suit seems pretty expensive

Must have cost him an arm and a leg

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ferdaaron
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Do I think education is getting too expensive?

To a degree, yes.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mex5150
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.

But it just made scents to me.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I can’t afford expensive art

I have no monet.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eormada
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the world's richest elephant?

Elon Tusk

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Microsofte
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
If Google released a really expensive watch

Buying one would be a Google flex

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/calendar_cable
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?

It's too high a price 'toupee.'

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MediocrePay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I read it's romantic to scatter rose petals on your bed, but they were too expensive. Instead, my wife and I will just have to make love on..

No bed of roses

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone talks about Saudi's expensive tastes

And Shia's cheap thrills

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why’s Tesla so expensive?

Because they charge a lot

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterDistrict1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are Tesla’s so expensive?

Because they charge. A lot.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thisDiff
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report

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