I have a computer that does the exact opposite of what you tell it to do
it talks so if it's being annoying just say "open down"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
How did the Romans make sure they nailed Jesus to the cross in exactly the right place?
they drilled a Pilate hole.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
Sherlock and Watson arrived on the scene of a murder and the only clue was a measuring tape pulled out to exactly 12 inches.
Apparently something was afoot.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
I didn't exactly ace my "capture the wasp" exam.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
I use to think that I had the exact same padlock as my friend, but upon closer inspection..
It was clear to see that they had some key differences.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
People act like the North and South poles are exactly the same
...but really, thereβs a whole world of differences between them.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 m. long?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
When I won the grand prize at cemetery, I knew exactly what it was.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
My wife weighs exactly 300.00 lb.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
My Sherlock Holmes themed Monopoly board is exactly 12 inches
π︎ 36
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
Exactly!
π︎ 84
π
︎ Sep 25 2020
What, exactly, is a fart?
A lonely cry from an abandoned turd.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
My wife pulled me aside yesterday. We sat down and she told me she had some news. Honey, I'm pregnant were here exact words.
I responded with hi pregnant, i'm dad.
"No you're not."
π︎ 28
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
What exactly is Beethoven doing in his grave ?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree?
Exactly. Because they're damn good at it!
π︎ 87
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
My dad knows exactly where everything is located in the store.
I am impressed with his shelf confidence.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
Exactly 50% of Roger Federerβs name is βerβ!
Thatβs it, thatβs the joke! ;)
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 20 2020
As a lumberjack, I know that Iβve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Oct 07 2019
You know that theory about no two people see colours exactly the same way...
Surely it's a pigment of their imagination ?
π︎ 70
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
Painting my ceiling isn't exactly #1 on my priority list.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Sep 30 2020
What exactly makes a joke a dad joke?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Aug 02 2020
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
π︎ 785
π
︎ Mar 08 2020
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
My uncle is really good at fishing. He always knows exactly what kind of worm to put on his fishing hook, in order to catch the desired kind of fish.
One might say he is a master baiter.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 18 2020
Where do you find a cow with no legs ?
Exactly where you left it.
π︎ 37
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
How many fire flies does it took too screw in a light bulb?
No one knows exactly, but it takes a lot. They aren't that bright.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
Due to social distancing, everyone is asking Kim Jung Un how far six feet is Exactly!
Because he is the supreme ruler.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 13 2020
A salesperson came to my door yesterday trying to sell me a coffin.
I told him, "That's the last thing I need".
π︎ 51
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
My wife called me a sex machine
Well, her exact words were, βYouβre a fucking toolβ but I knew what she meant.
π︎ 177
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
I still remember exactly where I was when I found out how JFK died.
Sitting at home, reading his Wikipedia page.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jun 09 2020
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, βWhat exactly happened before The Big Bang?β
He said, βSorry. No time.β
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 30 2019
Not exactly what the doctor ordered
π︎ 55
π
︎ Mar 22 2020
The 'i' of the hurricane is exactly at the center of the word
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 13 2020
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.
They must have been itentacle twins.
π︎ 74
π
︎ Jun 01 2020
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 04 2018
From my 8 year old: Dad, how do camels hide from predators?
Me: Their fur is the same color as the desert so they blend in.
Her: Exactly! They camel-flage!
I walked right into that one lol
π︎ 302
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
Holmes and Watson are creeping stealthy along the Street, searching for clues, when Holmes suddenly spots a Bakery shop window and scans it with his magnifying glass. Watson perplexed, says to Sherlock " What are you looking for exactly ? " ...Holmes replies...
" You know my method. It's founded upon the observation of Trifles. "
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
What were the odds in 1957 of being the exact stray dog chosen to be the first living thing in space?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Feb 23 2020
Iβll tell you exactly why the rioters attacked that store...
because it was a big target
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 30 2020
You need exactly 239 beans to make Irish soup because if you add one more it becomes too farty.
π︎ 206
π
︎ Oct 25 2019
I own a restaurant. My chef knows exactly when to add spices to any meal...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 22 2020
Let me give you my exact location. I am
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 28 2018
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs...
π︎ 21
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14m long
a π-thon
π︎ 65
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
As a lumberjack, I know that Iβve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Aug 25 2018
What do you call a snake thatβs exactly 3.14 meters long?
π︎ 32
π
︎ Mar 19 2020
As a lumberjack, I know that Iβve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
π︎ 183
π
︎ Nov 07 2019
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