Apparently, when someone asks if you have a favorite child,
You're suppose to name one of your own.
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︎ Jun 26 2021
My grandfather was always terrible until I had my first child
Now heβs a great grandfather
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︎ May 16 2021
(Bear with me its a long setup) A frog walks into a bank and asks a woman named Patricia Whack for a loan. "My father is Mick Matter" he says, placing a ceramic elephant on the counter. Patricia goes to her boss and tells him the story, asking "what is this?" And placing the elephant on his desk.
The man replies " It's A knicknack, patty whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone (also I meant Mick jagger my autocorrect sucks balls)
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︎ Jul 03 2021
The ultimate Dad joke is making your childβs name a pun.
But Iβm not sure little Pete and Repete appreciate it.
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︎ Jun 22 2021
My mother says that Jesus will never get mad at you because he loves you no matter what.
But I think he gets a little cross once in a while...
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︎ Jun 29 2021
No matter how far you push the envelope
It'll still be stationery.
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︎ Jun 26 2021
I like to shit post every once and awhile.
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︎ Jun 23 2021
If a child refuses to go to bed...
Are they guilty of resisting a rest.
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︎ Jun 07 2021
*Passing every cemetery as a child* Dad would exclaim....
"WOW, people are DYING to get into that place!"
π︎ 11
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︎ Aug 18 2020
I was raised as an only child...
Which REALLY pissed my sister off!
π︎ 101
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︎ Jun 09 2021
Rick Astley will let you borrow almost every Disney movie
but heβs never gonna give you Up.
π︎ 166
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︎ Jun 28 2021
Every time I post on r/dadjokes, someone comments with a better version of my joke
I guess I suffer from premature ejokeulation
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︎ Jun 14 2021
I thought the distance didn't matter =(
π︎ 6
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︎ Jun 16 2021
Someone asked me βwhatβs the matterβ when I was depressed
I replied "matter is anything that has mass and occupies space".
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︎ Jun 24 2021
What do you call a bakers child?
π︎ 24
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︎ Jun 06 2021
Gets me every thyme, I'm such a dill.
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︎ Jun 18 2021
My Dad is hopelessly addicted to going to different hardware stores every weekend.
Every Saturday, I see him hitting new Loweβs.
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︎ May 25 2021
Every morning I leave my house and get hit by a bicycle,
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︎ Jun 27 2021
An ice cube is widely used to show the changes of matter.
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︎ Jun 15 2021
I spent a lot of time, money and effort child-proofing my house.
But the kids still get in.
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︎ Jun 09 2021
What do u call the most annoying child in Germany?
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︎ May 25 2021
My therapist says that I second guess every decision that I ever make.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Mar 24 2021
What do you call a woman named Nancy who is carrying a child?
π︎ 10
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︎ Jun 25 2021
What did he buffalo say to his child when they left for university?
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 21 2021
Amazon Child Care
π︎ 7
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︎ Jun 02 2021
I never cuddled my mother as a child
Because she didn't give birth to me until she was an adult.
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︎ Jun 06 2021
No matter how kind you areβ¦.
β¦β¦German children are kinder.
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︎ Jun 16 2021
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow Iβm returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
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︎ May 29 2021
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
π︎ 14k
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︎ Mar 12 2021
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
βI play a little guitar!"
π︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 15 2020
I have been asking everyone what LGBTQ is?
So far no one has given me a straight answer.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jun 02 2021
Why was the child pirate grounded?
He was caught playing hooky
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︎ Jun 26 2021
How do you calm a small child who likes astronomy?
π︎ 19
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︎ May 24 2021
I just found out that Albert Einstein existed.
My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
π︎ 4k
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︎ Jul 03 2021
Why couldn't Han and Leia produce more than one child?
They could only produce a Solo child.
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︎ May 13 2021
Math test failure again..if only I had 50Β’ for every one I failed.
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︎ May 20 2021
All your electronic devices are watching every move you make and every breath you take.
Itβs like a Sting operation.
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︎ Jun 30 2021
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why canβt you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
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︎ Jan 28 2021
Why did Captain Obvious have a child?
So that he would be apparent.
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︎ May 13 2021
Hunting Pawrty
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jun 16 2021
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︎ Jun 14 2021
What does the plumber say to their child after lecturing them?
ππ¦π΅ π΅π©π’π΅ π΄πͺπ―π¬ πͺπ―...
π︎ 43
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︎ Apr 20 2021
Son: I'm gay
Dad turns red and tries fighting his reaction
Mom: control yourself, don't do it, this is an important moment.
Dad: hi gay I'm dad
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︎ Jul 02 2021
You know I spent alot of years as a child
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︎ May 31 2021
I've always liked every audio engineer I've ever met
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︎ Jun 10 2021
Every year on June 1st
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︎ Jun 08 2021
What do you call Pikachu when he joined the Black Lives Matter movement?
π︎ 5
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︎ May 21 2021
If a child refuses to nap...
β¦ are they guilty of resisting a rest?
π︎ 33
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︎ Jun 17 2021
I was raised as an only child.
It really annoyed my sister.
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︎ Jun 30 2021
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