What does a magician write his errands down on?

A Ta-Da List

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👤︎ u/Roy-Donk
📅︎ Dec 16 2019
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Dad: (Smiling while filling out paperwork at the DMV) Son: Dad, why are you smiling? The DMV sucks! Dad: Let's just say your mom probably won't let me run errands anymore...
👍︎ 5
👤︎ u/hey_mcfly27
📅︎ Aug 22 2019
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My wife sent me to run errands with the kids

And one of the destinations was to pick something up from a vet clinic (one of those online garage sales). When I got there they asked how they could help me.

While holding my kids I said, "I don't know but I think something is wrong with my dogs"

👍︎ 5
👤︎ u/Burts_Business
📅︎ Jul 20 2017
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Running errands today with my dad

So, we were passing through a not-so-wonderful part of town, and we drove by an old building with a wooden board with the words



spray-painted on it like that. My dad pointed to the building and said "Look, you can't walk past that building three times or you'll get shot. No tres passing, si?" I groaned, but I knew that I would've made the same joke in his position.

👍︎ 13
👤︎ u/danmo_96
📅︎ Jan 09 2016
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So, my family and I were out running errands today.

While at WalMart, we were picking up some new bedding, and on the way out, I insisted that we buy a copy of Spaceballs from the DVD bin.

They asked, "Why do you want that?" I replied, "For sheets and giggles."

👍︎ 4
👤︎ u/anonomy_oh_my
📅︎ Sep 15 2015
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So my GF and I were out running some errands..

On the way back home, she asked me "is there anywhere else you want to make a stop?"

Then the light we were approaching turned red.

"Oh, I don't know. I guess we can stop here."

👍︎ 4
👤︎ u/suckitifly
📅︎ Jan 14 2015
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[Request] Can anyone please help me come up with a business name that is a Bob's Burgers-level pun?

The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.

But I am So. Stuck.

A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...

I'm ready to take the next steps in making this

... keep reading on reddit ➡

👍︎ 4
👤︎ u/EmElleGee31
📅︎ Jan 31
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Why did the King make the Jester go to the laundromat?

He said it was a fool’s errand.

👍︎ 5
👤︎ u/NintenDuel
📅︎ Aug 25 2019
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At 19, my boyfriend is a master of dad jokes.

Me: I had to run some errands today and the area I was in was so sketchy I thought I was going die.

Him: Well it's a good thing you weren't walking errands, or someone might've caught you.

👍︎ 355
👤︎ u/shercocked
📅︎ Oct 29 2013
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The pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered

... keep reading on reddit ➡

👍︎ 10
👤︎ u/Anthonybrose
📅︎ Apr 24 2019
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My wife set me up perfectly

Last night while we were out running errands, we drove by this place that had a bunch of little storage sheds on display outside. Right next to this business was a karate school.

My wife says, "Why would the karate school have all of those sheds in front of it?"

I respond, "Honey, those sheds are square. If they belonged to the karate school, they would be round-houses."

👍︎ 1k
👤︎ u/capomatt
📅︎ Sep 17 2014
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It just blurted out

I was home alone a few hours ago and wanted to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I apply peanut butter and then go downstairs for jelly since there's none upstairs. I grab a new jar and try to open it. However I am incredibly weak so I fail to get it open. After five to ten minutes of trying to open it, I call my mother who is out running errands.

"Mom, are you coming home soon?" "No, why?" "... I can't get this jelly jar open..." "Look in the top shelf with the silverware. There's a red plastic thing. That's a jar opener, use that." "Alright, one sec..." Jar opens "YES!!" Jumps for joy and rushes back to phone "THANK YOU SO MUCH MOM!" "No problem." "I was in a real jam." mom hangs up, sighing

👍︎ 79
👤︎ u/LunarDrop
📅︎ Jan 05 2014
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Driving home, with the old man.

After doing errands and such, my father and I are driving home, when we both see a sign.

Dad: "Hey look. A garage sale. We should check it out. We could use another garage."

Oh dad...

👍︎ 288
👤︎ u/lotrtrilogy
📅︎ Sep 02 2013
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My wife asked me to pick up some naan on the way home from work today

When I got home I told her I was exhausted from all the naan stop grocery errands she sent me on

👍︎ 18
👤︎ u/furushotakeru
📅︎ Feb 10 2017
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The padawan has become the master. Got my dad.

While driving around today running errands.

Dad: I'm gonna stop here at Sonic. I'm in the mood for an Iced Tea.

Me: I'm more of an LL Cool J guy myself, but I can make an exception.

He looked at me with a mixture of "ugh" and "I'm so proud"

👍︎ 7
👤︎ u/justinerwin
📅︎ Apr 15 2017
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Does it count if I dadjoked myself?

I heard "Fancy" on the radio somewhere around 15 times while driving around doing errands today. Even if you like a song that's annoying.

"Fancy" comes on yet again.

"Oh Lord" I say out loud.

To which my brain responds: "No, not Lorde. Iggy Azalea."

I facepalmed. I'm a 24 year old female.

👍︎ 18
📅︎ Jul 19 2014
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One of my dad's classic jokes

We are in the car on a road trip or running errands. (This joke happens pretty often). Me: Where are we going? Dad: Crazy Me: What??? (I know what the answer is, just playing along) Dad: We are going crazy. Me: We already been there. Can we go somewhere else?

👍︎ 34
👤︎ u/PaperDoll98765
📅︎ Feb 05 2014
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The recent post about the "Quackopotamous" reminded me...

When I was a wee lad, about 5 or 6 , my dad and I went to the beach on a vacation. I, having never seen the ocean, learned many new things, like how tides work, and how there's seemingly billions of white flying rats that the world calls Seagulls.

Fast forward a few weeks to us being back home in Kansas City, MO where no beaches or seagulls are to be found. My dad and I were running errands and found ourselves at the local Target, where in the parking lot I spotted dozens of white birds that looked eerily similar to the Seagulls I had learned about weeks before.

"Dad, what're those?" I inquired

"Oh, son those are called Parkinglotgulls. Yeah they're close cousins of the seagull!"

And that's how I came to call those white birds that flock around parking lots worldwide "Parkinglotgulls" even to this day.

👍︎ 6
👤︎ u/monroeshton
📅︎ Jan 22 2016
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dad-joked my dad twice

Parents were visiting for the holiday, my dad and I were talking about a little project we wanted to do. He said "I might be willing to do that if I was so inclined" He was standing up, so I paused and said "Well, you look pretty vertical right now, so I guess that's a no"

A short while later, I had run some errands, and when I came home, my dad was laying on the couch. I asked him about the project, since he was now inclined.

👍︎ 36
👤︎ u/Tullyswimmer
📅︎ Dec 02 2014
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My girl friend said this today,

As we walked out the front door to run errands, she looks up and says, "these birds are so indecisive, every time we come outside their on the fence"

👍︎ 4
👤︎ u/hillbillybuddha
📅︎ Apr 30 2015
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Dad just sprung this one on me

"Hey, I'm going to do some errands."

"Ok sounds good I'll be here"

"Do you know where I'm going to do those errands?"

"No, where?"

"At the Errand Space Museum" and then he did his patented Dad Fake Laugh and walked out the door.

God dammit

👍︎ 6
👤︎ u/TheQuakerator
📅︎ Dec 23 2014
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One of my friends showed his dad aptitude over lunch today.

I had to run a couple of errands between then and now, so my memory might be a bit fuzzy, but I'll do best.

Friend 1: "Sarah"

Friend 2: "Shawn"

Future dad: "Sam"

Sarah: There is no good way to eat a taco. (There is a dismembered taco sitting on her plate.)

Shawn: I know, right? It's seriously the worst-designed food, like, ever.

Sarah: Back in [hometown], there's this restaurant that sells authentic Mexican tacos. There's no grease or anything, just chunks of chicken with guacamole and salsa and a bit of cheese on top, and it's SO GOOD. I really shouldn't even talk about them, it's just making me homesick.

Sam: You mean you shouldn't taco 'bout them?

👍︎ 2
👤︎ u/teuast
📅︎ Dec 11 2013
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Blue Laws

Running an errand Sunday afternoon:

Me: Oh, we need to hit the liquor store while we're out! Hubby: But it's Sunday, dear. Me: Goddammit Hubby: Yes, so they say.

👍︎ 3
👤︎ u/larissap112
📅︎ Sep 22 2014
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The car wash.

I've been too busy to go get an emissions test, so while my mom and I went out to run some errands, my dad did that and also filled my tank and took my car through the wash.

Dad: Did you notice anything different about your car?

Me: No.

Dad: I got you a carwash. I heard that the dirt needs to be changed every 6,000 miles.

Edited because I'm a dummy.

👍︎ 4
👤︎ u/Nogoodverybad
📅︎ Feb 26 2014
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Had to think about this one for a second...

Was out doing some errands with a friend today, he needed to stop into an electronics shop to get some supplies for the lightsaber he's making. Conversation went like this:
Friend: Where can I find thumb screws?
Sales guy: Have you tried the Love Shop (adult store) downtown?

A little less appropriate as far as dad jokes go, but it definitely had us laughing after we got over the initial '... did he actually just say that?'

👍︎ 2
👤︎ u/reddittailedhawk
📅︎ Jan 22 2014
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