Bilbo Baggins wakes up suddenly to βDonβt Stop Believingβ.
It was an unexpected Journey.
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︎ Mar 13 2021
Yes don't forget to take it.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Mar 03 2021
I don't like the fast and furious movies
There are too many spoilers
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︎ Mar 09 2021
Don't you dare CONSOLE my family
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︎ Mar 10 2021
Doctor: "Relax David, It's just a small surgery. Don't panic!!"
Me: "But my name isn't David."
Doctor: "I know, I'm David."
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︎ Mar 01 2021
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I donβt believe him.
But thatβs his story, and heβs sticking to it.
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︎ Jan 11 2021
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
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︎ Jan 09 2021
My dad always told me βdonβt be quick to find faultsβ.
Good man, terrible geologist.
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︎ Feb 01 2021
Why donβt ants get sick?
They have little anty bodies
(Courtesy of my fellow dad LT)
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︎ Mar 02 2021
We donβt have any vegetable jokes on this Subreddit yet...
So if you do, lettuce know.
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︎ Mar 12 2021
Why don't the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?
Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.
π︎ 14k
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︎ Dec 16 2020
They just donβt taste right!
π︎ 9k
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︎ Nov 27 2020
Whatβs the difference between Taxes and Texas?
Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
Sometimes I use big words I donβt fully understand.
It makes me sound more photosynthesis.
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︎ Feb 10 2021
What's the highest rank in the popcorn army?
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 17 2021
Why donβt ant colonies ever get sick?
.... because theyβre full of anty bodies
π︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 19 2020
Don't ban me...
π︎ 29
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︎ Mar 17 2021
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, βYouβre an 8 on a scale of 10.β
I still donβt get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
π︎ 9k
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︎ Mar 16 2021
Why donβt you ever see elephants hiding in palm trees?
π︎ 53
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︎ Mar 14 2021
You don't want to get on a tree's bad side.
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︎ Mar 12 2021
79% of people don't know opposite words for the following.
- Always
- Coming
- From
- Take
- Me
- Down
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Dune tell me you don't like this pun
π︎ 63
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︎ Feb 18 2021
If you are thinking of settling down, hereβs some advice: Donβt date soccer players.
Thereβs only a 1/11 chance that theyβre a keeper.
π︎ 60
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︎ Mar 06 2021
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.
There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
π︎ 22k
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︎ Nov 14 2020
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.
When I got home, they were still there.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Feb 27 2021
I don't know whether the chicken or the egg came first.
You could say I'm eggnostic.
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︎ Mar 12 2021
My girlfriend says if we donβt get married soon, sheβs gonna kill me.
...itβs a matter of wife or death.
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︎ Jan 26 2021
Did you know garbage men don't get any training?
They just pick things up as they go along.
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︎ Jan 29 2021
My wife and I don't want kids
So if anyone does, we can drop them off tomorrow.
π︎ 72
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︎ Mar 03 2021
I don't mean to brag, but...
cashiers are always checking me out.
π︎ 93
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︎ Mar 02 2021
I don't get how it's possible to reduce the social distancing requirement from six feet to three feet.
In almost all cases its impossible to have three feet between 2 people.
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︎ Mar 19 2021
I donβt hate leg day..
Itβs the two days after I canβt stand!!
π︎ 77
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︎ Mar 11 2021
If you don't pay your exorcist....
π︎ 33
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︎ Mar 07 2021
I don't like my friends either.
π︎ 76
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︎ Feb 26 2021
I hadnβt used my main in around a year but had a reason to burro back in my post history... I had forgotten about this, and I donβt mean to brag but this is the single greatest post Iβve ever made on reddit.
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︎ Feb 05 2021
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
π︎ 12k
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︎ Feb 26 2021
Why don't blind people like skydiving?
π︎ 40
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︎ Mar 09 2021
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. Nurse asked the rabbit what his blood type is
He replied " I am probably a Type O"
π︎ 3k
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
π︎ 53
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︎ Mar 02 2021
Why don't chicken coups really work?
Chickens don't have fire-arms.
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 18 2021
donβt spell part backwards
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︎ Mar 13 2021
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
Told him to use both and heβd probably find him a lot quicker.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
Wife: ...
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Daylight Savings pun. I donβt want to spring ahead. I want my Auerbach.
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 14 2021
My wife said, βI donβt understand the science behind human cloning.β
I said, βThat makes two of us.β
π︎ 154
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︎ Feb 13 2021
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 25 2021
If you don't laugh, Moooooove along ;)
π︎ 48
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Why donβt cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!
π︎ 23
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︎ Mar 13 2021
Two wrongs donβt make a right
But two wrights make an airplane.
π︎ 21
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︎ Mar 14 2021
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
π︎ 19k
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︎ Oct 11 2020
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