A list of puns related to "Dig Out"
The first mole says “I can smell the clean air and grass! We’re almost there!”
The second mole says “I can smell the fresh wet dirt! We’re almost there!”
The third mole says “Really? All I can smell is molasses.”
So I sent them a 'Get well' card.
Turned out to be quite the shin dig.
But I was able to dig myself out of it
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡I was wandering in circles for ages, but then I remembered some advice my dad gave me. I started digging around until I found water, and I knew I had found the way out. What was his advice? “Where there’s a well, there’s a way.”
Rolling back 40 yrs or so, here's the story I told to my 2nd grade class.
To catch an elephant, you first need to go to the jungle where elephants are found. Then you cut down all the trees in a big circle, and dig a hole out. Put the trees in the hole and burn them down to ashes. Carefully line the edge of the hole with peas.
And when an Elephant comes to take a Pea, you kick him in the Ash-Hole!
Everyone about died. Hell, even the teacher and principal were laughing about it. Dad was amused. Mom was not.
Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.
The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...
ahem...
Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.
Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.
Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.
The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.
That's the theory, at least.
Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.
Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out
... keep reading on reddit ➡1 - Dig a huge hole, big enough for an elephant.
2 - Light a giant wood fire in the hole and let it burn out completely.
3 - Set peanuts out around the edge of the hole as bait.
4 - When an elephant starts eating the bait, quickly run up behind him and kick him in the ash hole!
Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.
"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.
"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.
They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.
"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.
"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.
"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.
"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"
"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."
"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.
"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."
As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.
"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.
"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."
"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.
"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.
"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.
"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.
"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.
"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."
One day a man looks out his window and finds one of his fence posts dug up and put in the ground somewhere else.
For the next couple of days this continues on but with a new fence post.
Yesterday was the last straw, so the men sat on his balcony all night to see who the culprit was.
Sure enough at 2am a couple of teenagers show up and get ready to dig up another fence post.
Man: "you goddamn teenagers! Stop digging up old posts and reposting them!"
Go out in the woods and dig a large hole about 6 or 7 feet deep. Fill it with ashes and put peas around the outside of the it.
When a bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
After a few hours of digging, one of the archaeologist bursts out laughing, the other one asks, "what's so funny?" The archaeologist stops laughing holds up an arm and says "well, I found this humerus"
and noticed they were setting out the turkeys for thanksgiving. I decided to go ahead and buy mine for this year so I started digging around for the largest one they had looking for a good 20+ pounder but couldn’t find anything over 17 lbs. I turned to the stock boy and asked,
“Do these get any bigger?”
He answered with
“Well seein as they’re dead I reckon they’ve stopped groin.”
We were digging out where the fish pond was going to be, and he went to get his sister to help because it was "fun for the HOLE family"
I threw a light bulb in the glove compartment of my car, because it had burnt out at work, i'd swapped it, and put it in my pocket. I had put a black X on it in sharpie to mark it as bad. Some months later, someone was digging and found it. He asked me why i left it in the glove box, and i told him "yeah, i guess that's a bad idea." He slapped me at the next red light.
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
Long post is long:
Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!
Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.
Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!
Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!
Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...
Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.
Her: Thyme is running out...
Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!
Her: Aim for Potato Garden!
Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!
Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!
Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!
Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!
Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!
Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.
Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!
Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!
The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.
Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!
Are the spinach still operational?
Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.
Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...
Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!
Her: And the squashes and peas!
Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!
The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.
**Her:
... keep reading on reddit ➡I've honestly heard him tell this over 100 times by now. My Dad always provokes people to ask him how to catch a bear and when he finally gets someone to ask he replies with "You dig a hole and fill it with ashes. Then put peas all around the hole. Then when the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ash-hole" (It sounds better when you say it out loud)
My son is 14 but he still picks his nose. A lot. He also eats it after. A lot. Grosses me out to the extreme, so I rib him about it hoping he'll stop, even using bribery, but no progress yet.
A couple of nights ago I saw him doing it again out of the corner of my eye, then he suddenly got up and ran into the kitchen for a napkin. Yup, bloody nose, no surprise there.
"Find what you were digging for?" I asked him.
"No," he says. "I was digging for gold but struck oil."
This was told to me by my father's older brother but thought it belongs here.
I repeated this as a 7 year old during Christmas dinner to everyone.
A penguin was driving along in the desert when all of the sudden his engine begin smoking. Luckily there was a mechanic shop near by so he dropped his car off. The mechanic said it will be an hour or two. The penguin decides to wonder around the small town and sees a grocery store. To beat the heat he heads to the frozen section and hops in the ice cream cooler. He sees a tub of his favorite vanilla ice cream so he opens it up and digs in. Two hours go by and he hops out of the cooler and heads back to the shop to pick up his car. The mechanic say "You blew a seal." The penguin wipes his mouth and say "Oh no it's vanilla ice cream."
We had just finished setting up the tree, and she went through the ornaments picking out the ones she liked so I just went and sat on the couch.
While digging through the ornaments she came across a Nativity Scene ornament and exclaimed "Oh no! Jesus is missing!" to which I replied "Don't worry, just check again in three days."
Riding down the road with a co-worker, I happen to see a "Sale" flag next to a cemetery advertising a land auction.
Me: "Hey look, the cemetery's having a sale. Wanna pick up a few cold ones?"
Other dad: "That's a sale people are dying for."
Me: "They had to put up a fence to keep to keep them out."
Other dad: "They were really digging it. Doesn't look like they have any takers though."
Me: "I bet there were a few under-takers."
We laughed for the next mile.
We've been burning a lot of junk wood and had a huge pile of ashes. (Works better when you imagine it spoken out loud)
Me: What am I supposed to do with all these ashes?
Dad: Use them to catch a bear!
Me: what?
Dad: Well, you dig a big hole and put all the ashes in the bottom. Then you line the hole with peas. When the bear reaches for the peas, you kick him in the ash hole!
I told him his dad jokes are getting better.
In the car with my brother and parents, heading out to a restaurant. Brother brings up a ski trip we're going on...
Brother: "I'm probably going to take it easy for the first day or two. Ski a couple blue squares, just do some minor things-"
Dad: "Dig for gold?"
My friend said this on facebook: "Really digging this new Living Sacrifice Album. Also excited to find out that Still Remains released a new album!!"
My response, as if there could possibly be more than one:
"So, you're saying that Still Remains... still remains?"
I'm a dad to a 19-month old, so I have to get all my practice in now that way I'm a pro by the time he's old enough to understand my awesome dad jokes.
I spent a good portion of my youth rolling my eyes at my father's jokes. But deep down, I loved 'em. I have a great Dad. But I'm not really the best at saying "I love you". I was reading /r/dadjokes recently and I had an idea. I should turn my Dad's favorite joke into a t-shirt. Then, on Father's Day, I could video chat with him while I wear the shirt.
I think he would love the shit out of that, you know? Like, maybe he will think "Wow, my son gets it. He actually likes my humor!"
Then I thought, I could turn a bunch of these jokes into shirts. So I did. You can see them here:
http://www.funnyshirts.org/s/dadjokes
And then I thought, man, if I could get more people to do nothing else on Father's Day but to embrace their Dad's sense of humor... that would be pretty cool. It would make a lot of Dads happy.
So I wrote the Dad Joke Manifesto:
http://dadjokemanifesto.tumblr.com/themanifesto
You don't have to use t-shirts. Just make a good joke. Employ puns. Think about your Dad's style, his favorite joke, and embrace it.
If you can dig it, then join the movement. Send me your favorite Dad Jokes. Join us on:
If nothing else, follow along for some good dad jokes.
So my girlfriend goes to her friend's house and spends the night. In the morning her friend's parents always make them eggs, toast, etc. When the friend's dad comes out and pulls out a pack of turkey bacon.
Dad: "Do you guys want any bacon? Here we have some Turkish bacon."
-digs around in refrigerator-
"......and this is the Pig-ish bacon!"
My girlfriend said nobody laughed but her and the dad. Everyone looked at her like she was "lame." I thought it was gold.
Over dinner with the family my mom delivered the news that my 30 year old cousin, who has been a burn-out his whole life, got himself a job at a mine on Nevada.
Dad: "looks like that boy is just digging himself deeper in the hole."
Had to high five him for that one.
I was recently on a diet. A week ago I came home and entered the living room (where my dad and brother were watching T.V.) digging through a bag of chips.
Brother to me: "What kind of diet are you on?"
Before I can answer, my Dad blurts out: "A seafood diet. Because whenever she see food, she eats it!"
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