mad I didn't think of that before
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jun 29 2022
Today was my son's fourth birthday party. I didn't recognize him at first.
I'd never seen him be four.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jun 04 2022
I got fired from a keyboard factory because I didn't put in enough shifts
So they wouldn't let me return or enter. They even changed the caps locks.
π︎ 212
π
︎ Jul 04 2022
I didn't want to have a brain surgery
But they eventually changed my mind.
π︎ 138
π
︎ Jul 16 2022
I got a job at a farm but I resigned because they didn't have horses
I wanted something more stable
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 26 2022
Someone told me that if I didn't want kids, I should get a vasectomy. So I did.
To my dismay, they were still around when I got home after my operation.
π︎ 166
π
︎ Jul 03 2022
I told a Saudi friend my best joke and he didn't get the reference.
It's like he's living under Iraq.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Apr 22 2022
I was warned about the danger of tornadoes, but I didn't believe it until I saw one myself.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jul 21 2022
Typing things I didn't Nintendo
π︎ 211
π
︎ May 24 2022
Son : My tooth hurts, I wish I didn't have nerves...
Dad : If you didn't have nerves, >!how would you feel?!<
Son: ...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 21 2022
My wife told me if I didn't stop listening to the Shrek soundtrack all day, she would divorce me. At first I thought she was kidding.
π︎ 712
π
︎ May 03 2022
Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down Calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Mar 10 2022
I didn't give two flux...
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jun 23 2022
I rented a limo for $300, but it didn't come with a driver.
All that money, and nothing to chauffeur it.
π︎ 579
π
︎ May 17 2022
Civics didn't make a lot of sense when I was in high school.
Corollas were a much better choice.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 17 2022
so recently my wife gave birth, but I didn't feel dad jokes kick in....
.... Then all of a sudden my best friend became a comedian
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 15 2022
My wife and I decided we didn't want to have children.
The kids are taking the news pretty hard.
Happy Fatherβs day!
π︎ 93
π
︎ Jun 19 2022
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop
but when I got home, all the signs were there.
π︎ 510
π
︎ Apr 19 2022
I didn't get the job at the sunscreen factory.
But I'll just reapply after a couple of hours.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 11 2022
I told my friend I didn't like the xenomorphs from "Alien".
He said I should give it some time and they'll grow on me.
π︎ 32
π
︎ Jun 15 2022
I am sorry I didn't mean to push all your buttons.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 13 2022
I didn't get the branch manager job at the banks.
Apparently topiary wasn't a relevant skill.
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 30 2022
I opened the cabinet and didn't see the flatbread at first. But I had a gut feeling of where it was hiding.
I guess you could call it my naan-sense.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 12 2022
I really didn't mean to put on weight.
It happened by snaccident.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 10 2022
My girlfriend didn't like the horror movie I showed her.
I guess she couldn't stand IT.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 25 2022
my wife said she'd leave me if I didn't make an effort to end my infatuation of Neil Diamond and his songs.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 09 2022
I dated a virus once, but it didn't work out.
There were too many strains in our relationship.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 22 2022
my friend the other day told me a joke about someone who poured dish soap on his head i didnt get it
π︎ 27
π
︎ May 27 2022
I was pretty sure I didn't orthopedic shoes ...
...but I stand corrected!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 01 2022
My brother couldn't find his underwear and I told him it was under the bed but he didn't get it
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 02 2022
I didn't think Monkee Pox was real
Then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer.
π︎ 17
π
︎ May 28 2022
I was going to tell you a joke about a mirror, but didn't think you'd take it seriously.
You need to reflect on that.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 23 2022
The builder who repaired the stone brickwork on my home was upset when I didn't pay him for the job.
I don't know why because he told me earlier that he was a Freemason.
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 29 2022
I asked out this mermaid that I have been knowing for a while, but she didn't want anything serious.
She was only looking for hook ups.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 24 2022
I told my nephew a cheesy joke, but he didn't laugh.
I think he might be laughtose intolerant.
π︎ 33
π
︎ May 07 2022
I didn't like the food they served on the plane.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 19 2022
My 8 yo son just hit me with a classic dad joke and i didn't even see it coming!
I'm sitting here scrolling reddit when my son casually strolls out of his room into the kitchen...
Him: (knocks on the fridge door)
Me: (genuinely confused) what are you doing?!?
Him: Knocking on the fridge door
Me: Why?
Him: Just in case there is salad dressing in there...
It's a lame dad joke i know, but his execution was so spot on i couldn't help but laugh out loud.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Dec 06 2021
I didn't need ancestry DNA kit to find who my relatives are.
All I did was to win the lottery....They came running to me.
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 09 2022
My teachers didn't like how I write the number 4
π︎ 53
π
︎ Apr 16 2022
I got a new haircut a couple of days ago. I didn't like it a first but...
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 31 2022
My wife just told me the singer from the Monkees died. I didn't believe her.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 11 2021
I felt devastated that my girlfriend and I didn't have any chemistry together anymore
She switched classes, now we only have English
π︎ 24
π
︎ Apr 27 2022
The cast of Friends banded together to build a new car. I took it for a test drive, but it didn't go very fast.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 09 2022
I didn't know till recently that bees actually get every workers opinion before making decisions.
They're just experts at pollen'.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 17 2022
I didn't get any thanks after helping my Spanish friend when he slipped and fell on the lawn.
All he said was "Grassy ass".
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 17 2022
My son came home from his little league game with a big golden trophy. I said, "It was raining so hard today, I didn't think you'd get to play, let alone that you'd win!"
"I didn't," he said. "This is a precipitation trophy."
π︎ 43
π
︎ May 08 2022
I worked with my mate in French dockyard but didn't get pay
Maybe the real treasure was the French ships we made along the way
π︎ 76
π
︎ Mar 29 2022
I didn't think orthopedic shoes were for me,
π︎ 28
π
︎ May 15 2022
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