mad I didn't think of that before
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavidTorresHdz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2022
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Today was my son's fourth birthday party. I didn't recognize him at first.

I'd never seen him be four.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2022
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I got fired from a keyboard factory because I didn't put in enough shifts

So they wouldn't let me return or enter. They even changed the caps locks.

πŸ‘︎ 212
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevindavis338
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2022
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I didn't want to have a brain surgery

But they eventually changed my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2022
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I got a job at a farm but I resigned because they didn't have horses

I wanted something more stable

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hornyonion
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2022
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Someone told me that if I didn't want kids, I should get a vasectomy. So I did.

To my dismay, they were still around when I got home after my operation.

πŸ‘︎ 166
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2022
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I told a Saudi friend my best joke and he didn't get the reference.

It's like he's living under Iraq.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greedydita
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2022
🚨︎ report
I was warned about the danger of tornadoes, but I didn't believe it until I saw one myself.

I was blown away.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Masselein
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2022
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Typing things I didn't Nintendo
πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ“…︎ May 24 2022
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Son : My tooth hurts, I wish I didn't have nerves...

Dad : If you didn't have nerves, >!how would you feel?!<

Son: ...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zatsnotmyname
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2022
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My wife told me if I didn't stop listening to the Shrek soundtrack all day, she would divorce me. At first I thought she was kidding.

And then I saw her face

πŸ‘︎ 712
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astroblema72
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2022
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Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down Calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were hard.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcEmarc1966
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2022
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I didn't give two flux...
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stacytinker1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2022
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I rented a limo for $300, but it didn't come with a driver.

All that money, and nothing to chauffeur it.

πŸ‘︎ 579
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manuel_f_p
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2022
🚨︎ report
Civics didn't make a lot of sense when I was in high school.

Corollas were a much better choice.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2022
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so recently my wife gave birth, but I didn't feel dad jokes kick in....

.... Then all of a sudden my best friend became a comedian

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boss_man_ting333
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2022
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My wife and I decided we didn't want to have children.

The kids are taking the news pretty hard.

Happy Father’s day!

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jangooni
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2022
🚨︎ report
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop

but when I got home, all the signs were there.

πŸ‘︎ 510
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πŸ‘€︎ u/erindrapes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2022
🚨︎ report
I didn't get the job at the sunscreen factory.

But I'll just reapply after a couple of hours.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveBennett64
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2022
🚨︎ report
I told my friend I didn't like the xenomorphs from "Alien".

He said I should give it some time and they'll grow on me.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seeiously
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2022
🚨︎ report
I am sorry I didn't mean to push all your buttons.

I was looking for pause.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2022
🚨︎ report
I didn't get the branch manager job at the banks.

Apparently topiary wasn't a relevant skill.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vesurel
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2022
🚨︎ report
I opened the cabinet and didn't see the flatbread at first. But I had a gut feeling of where it was hiding.

I guess you could call it my naan-sense.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JAG1881
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2022
🚨︎ report
I really didn't mean to put on weight.

It happened by snaccident.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2022
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My girlfriend didn't like the horror movie I showed her.

I guess she couldn't stand IT.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foolt24
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2022
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my wife said she'd leave me if I didn't make an effort to end my infatuation of Neil Diamond and his songs.

I Am,I Said!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berkleysquare
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2022
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I dated a virus once, but it didn't work out.

There were too many strains in our relationship.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SolWishing12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2022
🚨︎ report
my friend the other day told me a joke about someone who poured dish soap on his head i didnt get it

then it dawned on me

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FNAF1fan
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2022
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I was pretty sure I didn't orthopedic shoes ...

...but I stand corrected!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uglypaperhaver
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2022
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My brother couldn't find his underwear and I told him it was under the bed but he didn't get it

"Under where?" he asked

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TGYHJDFGH
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2022
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I didn't think Monkee Pox was real

Then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gogo726
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2022
🚨︎ report
I was going to tell you a joke about a mirror, but didn't think you'd take it seriously.

You need to reflect on that.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/donutknow57
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2022
🚨︎ report
The builder who repaired the stone brickwork on my home was upset when I didn't pay him for the job.

I don't know why because he told me earlier that he was a Freemason.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berkleysquare
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2022
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I asked out this mermaid that I have been knowing for a while, but she didn't want anything serious.

She was only looking for hook ups.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrscottywiz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2022
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I told my nephew a cheesy joke, but he didn't laugh.

I think he might be laughtose intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/L_Circe
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2022
🚨︎ report
I didn't like the food they served on the plane.

It was pretty PLAIN.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evaldash
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2022
🚨︎ report
My 8 yo son just hit me with a classic dad joke and i didn't even see it coming!

I'm sitting here scrolling reddit when my son casually strolls out of his room into the kitchen...

Him: (knocks on the fridge door)

Me: (genuinely confused) what are you doing?!?

Him: Knocking on the fridge door

Me: Why?

Him: Just in case there is salad dressing in there...

It's a lame dad joke i know, but his execution was so spot on i couldn't help but laugh out loud.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvilResident86
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I didn't need ancestry DNA kit to find who my relatives are.

All I did was to win the lottery....They came running to me.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2022
🚨︎ report
My teachers didn't like how I write the number 4

It looked 2Β²

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PayNoNoticeOfMe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2022
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I got a new haircut a couple of days ago. I didn't like it a first but...

it's growing on me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhhokanything
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2022
🚨︎ report
My wife just told me the singer from the Monkees died. I didn't believe her.

But then I saw her face.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EgonVector
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I felt devastated that my girlfriend and I didn't have any chemistry together anymore

She switched classes, now we only have English

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1CUP2DAY
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2022
🚨︎ report
The cast of Friends banded together to build a new car. I took it for a test drive, but it didn't go very fast.

It's like you're always stuck in second gear.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EgonVector
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2022
🚨︎ report
I didn't know till recently that bees actually get every workers opinion before making decisions.

They're just experts at pollen'.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmeagoltheRegal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2022
🚨︎ report
I didn't get any thanks after helping my Spanish friend when he slipped and fell on the lawn.

All he said was "Grassy ass".

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuGMoiDroit
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2022
🚨︎ report
My son came home from his little league game with a big golden trophy. I said, "It was raining so hard today, I didn't think you'd get to play, let alone that you'd win!"

"I didn't," he said. "This is a precipitation trophy."

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noobtheloser
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2022
🚨︎ report
I worked with my mate in French dockyard but didn't get pay

Maybe the real treasure was the French ships we made along the way

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iZgonr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2022
🚨︎ report
I didn't think orthopedic shoes were for me,

but I stand corrected.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nefarious_Stew
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2022
🚨︎ report

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