Where do diamonds come from?

Carbon dating.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KhaleesiDog
πŸ“…︎ May 14
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My wife was looking at Canadian Diamonds...

Me: "Are the Diamonds C?"

Wife: looking confused "...uh, no."

Me: "Diamonds B?"

Wife: "No"

Me: "oh, I see. They're Diamonds, eh?"

(True story.)

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πŸ“…︎ May 18
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From my 7yo: What do you call a diamond in the rough?

A diamond.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BKStephens
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
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Make two rectangles out of a diamond using one line

This was a problem on my step sons homework. No matter what, he couldn't seem to grasp it. So, I grabbed some post-it notes, turned it to a diamond and said "this is a diamond correct?" he says yes. I then turn the post-it notes a few degrees and say "this is a square correct?" And he instantly got what he had to do. I then threw out this, grade "A" knee slapper of a line "Diamonds are just crooked squares, you can't trust'em".

I think I'm gonna put on my jorts and tube socks now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigbore_729
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
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I bought an imitation diamond engagement ring to propose to my Irish girlfriend on St Patrick's day. I just hope she doesn't notice..

..the sham rock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
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Maybe carbon doesn't want to be a diamond

it's just pressured into it

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
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Do you know how coal turns into diamonds?

It coalapses underpressure!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sudden_Ad220
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
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I bought my wife a Diamond ring

β€œYou told me she wanted a car” my friend replies

β€œYeah, I know but where would I find a Fake car” I said

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
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Dustin Diamond has passed away at the age of 44

His life came to a Screeching halt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevonicus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01
🚨︎ report
Diamonds In The Woof! Rough
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ithinkhisnameis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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They tried to make a diamond shaped like a duck

But it quacked under pressure

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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My grandfathers last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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Before he died, my grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s more expensive, a ladder or a diamond?

The latter.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tmart193
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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One Carrat Diamond Ring
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emotional_Plenty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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Husband told me he'd gotten me a 14-carat diamond. Sigh.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pargsnip
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2017
🚨︎ report
Just bought a diamond ring for the Wife from a green Leprechaun. I dunno...

...Think I was sold a sham rock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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What do you get when you mix COVID-19 and Neil Diamond?

Sweeeet quarantiiiiine...

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frasier_n_Chill
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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What do you get from putting a diamond in a printer?

A carbon copy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waterburst789
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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I bought a guitar made out of diamond.

Now I can play some hard rock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamieLaineRose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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What do you call someone who commits a murder with a deck of cards that only has clubs, spades, and diamonds?

Heartless

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lego_luke
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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My dogs started playing β€œLucy in the Sky with Diamonds”

Should’ve known since they are the Beagles..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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My favorite mineral would have to be the diamond. They rock.

Cos minerals are like...y'know...rocks. minerals. punny stuff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomPhoenix350
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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I asked my wife if she'd like a new Diamond Ring to celebrate our Anniversary

"Nothing would make me happier!" She replied

- So I got her nothing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/angster001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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This guy comes up to me at the karaoke bar and asks, "Are you the guy who spends all night singing Neil Diamond songs?"

"I am", I said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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What do you call an easily breakable diamond?

A frajewel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XX_RedSpace_xX
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.

I might have to deal with him later.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
The most expensive diamond in 2017 sold for $71.2 million USD

to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.

The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.

Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down the reality TV star, but Harrison was adamant telling Mr. Pooh, "If Chu wished to pawn the star, makes no difference who you are"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poortio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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My friend got her leg pierced with a lot of diamond studs...

She might have a gam-bling addiction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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My friend likes to get her leg pierced with diamond studs...

I think she might have a gam-bling addiction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My kid got tattoos of a heart, club, diamond and spadeβ€”all without my permission.

I might have to deal with him later.

πŸ‘︎ 196
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the diamond, super short sword that Annie the Orphan found?

It's a hard rock knife.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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Diamonds

Diamonds, pretty coal, eh??

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrpaul22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Puns about diamonds are hard.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedAnimationz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
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When I went to Karaoke Night, I was asked, "You the guy who only sings Neil Diamond songs?"

"I am," I said.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Dustin Diamond, aka Screech, was arrested yesterday, but thankfully didn’t spend the night in jail.

He was Saved by the Bail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Neil Diamond has just bought his new car, a Saab, on eBay. I guess you could say he got a Swede car online
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πŸ‘€︎ u/opethlike
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
What's cheaper, a plastic mould or a diamond?

The former...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dganjo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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A diamond extractor walks into a bar and orders a drink

The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve miners here."

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandfather’s last wish was that we should convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal...

...until the pressure got to him...

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report

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