Our city’s main reservoir leaked and now water supply is dependent on a network of bores

Which to be honest I think is a pretty mean way to refer to our city council, however dull they may be.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Why can't you depend on crustaceans?

They're shellfish.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oneidamojo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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Depending on your golf handicap you can move your tee forwards or backwards

Move it too far forward and it becomes a birdie tee.

Too far back and it becomes a bogey tee

Get it just right?

Now that's a party.

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πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder

Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.

"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."

"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."

The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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At the height of my lunacy, I would dig in my lawn like my life depended on it.

It's all well now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Veni
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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How many degrees does a circle have?

Depends on how long it’s been in school.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/turbo8891
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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The other day somebody asked me if I liked the office

I told them It depends on how much work I have pending

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Finikkin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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What's a cavern?

Depends on the calves job.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wage_slave
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?

It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dennyitlo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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"Hey Superman, are you a part of a gang?"

"Several, actually, depending on the day. I'm a kryptonight."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombie-narwhals
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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Wife dadjoked me, depends on who you ask

Just started playing Zelda:Skyward Sword and named my character Colby after my dog. My wife asks me if I'll name Link that every time, or change it when we have kids. I answer, depends.

Depends? You'll name him Depends? I didn't think you were old enough for those.

So. Proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/euphomptus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2015
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Thought of a good one while at work today (slightly morbid depending on your outlook)

I work in the claims department at a life insurance company. A recent addition to our department mentioned that she had an insured who died from a bowel obstruction. I couldn't help but say: "Sounds like a real shitty way to go..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/three-eyed-crow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
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Depending on your date format, if you worked yesterday you could claim to be working twentyfour/seven.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/torb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2015
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Normal is just the same as average...

So if thats true then depending on where you are you would be of an average race, have average hair, etc.

And going down from that, alot of people have the same name, making certain names normal or "average".

What im saying is, thats a really complicated way to find the average Joe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/superdolmiosauce
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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Just another viral rant.

All right reddit, I have to get this off my chest. I’m absolutely SICK of this pandemic. Everywhere I go, I’m constantly being PESTERED to wipe down surfaces and sanitize my hands. It’s a complete infestation of my personal space!

Let’s face it, our ailing democratic rights have taken a huge hit. And this is a symptom of a larger problem. Namely, our ruling class seems totally impaired! We are being totally ill-informed by people who claim they know everything about this disease.

For example, this whole situation has been plagued with problems since the beginning! It’s a scourge on what’s left of humanity.

So I say, it’s time to break out of the shackles and seize our lives back! We need to combat this virus that flew around the world with everything we’ve got. Because this lock down is bugging the hell out of me! This is a cold call to do your part. The health of our society depends on it!

Happy quarantine, everyone!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daloonik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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My friend asked me if Roshomon was a good movie or not.

I told him it depends on who you ask.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuillofNumenor
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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What is the average lenght of a dad joke?

Depends on their age

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dragon_owns_a_cat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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How many feet in a yard?

Depends on how many people are standing in it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheineken
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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Am I the asshole in this situation?

So a bit of background here, I am fully dependent on my carer. Where he goes, I go. What he eats, I have to eat too. And because of that, if he wants to eat the wrong thing, I suffer.

I have no control over what he feeds us and I can't always tolerate the foods he likes. If he eats food that is too spicy, I yell at him. Like a lot. I've even made him cry a few times. But the thing is, I can't control myself. Every time I talk, it is shit for everyone in my vicinity, especially him. That's why I need him as a carer. I really tried to not give him shit for a couple weeks by not talking at all but he thought it was so bad that I did that he took me to the doctor to force me to keep giving out instead of bottling it all up.

I don't know what to do. I'm literally the end point of his digestive system. Am I the asshole?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
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I've started a new competitive pun gameshow podcast entitled 'Punnit' and I'm looking for contestants! First two episodes in the comments.

'Punnit' is hosted by myself and played over three rounds. The first two rounds consist of one category (say, Musical Genres & Ailments), with each contestant going in turn and giving their best 5 entries. Such as, HIVy Metal, Honky Tonksillitis, Indiegestion etc.

These two categories are known about a week or so prior so everyone can bring their best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) but the third round is entirely on the spot, with the entrants shouting out whatever they can think of for a category. One of the recent being American Presidents & American States, with OklaBama winning that one.

It's all very much in the early stages but I would appreciate both feedback on the format and people getting in touch if they wanna duke it out.

Here are the episodes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKJOzYgG9MW7CQHAZQahiqw/videos

Follow us too @thepunpodcast

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PattersonHoodlum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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Trivia question! How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?

It all depends on the conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The420Wizard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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Is it still called beef when vegans fight

It depends on what's at steak

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maddvloggs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Sometimes after work, I stop in at the local watering hole and enjoy a frosty Heifeweizen.

Depending on the day, I might even drink the whole weizen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealwinterzero
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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This isn't a dad joke.

But it can be an adjective, definite article, pronoun, or adverb depending on how it's used.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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How much does a dragon weigh?

Depends on the scales.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HUMANPHILOSOPHER
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
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A Russian couple is arguing about the weather.

One says it is raining, the other says it is simply a mist.

To settle their dispute, they stop and ask a guard outside the Kremlin for his opinion.

"Rudolph, please help us with this disagreement! Is it raining, or not?"

Rudolph replies, "It is raining."

"I knew we could depend on you, Comrade. You see," he says to his partner, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/finestjuggler
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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You know what sucks?

A vacuum

or a prostitute depends on what context.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fazielr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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The knight had many standing positions for masturbating to chose from

Depending on the circumstances

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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Is it okay to say President Obama's middle name?

Depends on Hussein it.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2016
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My son has to save the world with Trigonometry.

I told him the Theta the universe depends on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatRaz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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How long does it take to reach F from E?

I don't know, depends on the tank.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhymeswithsyringe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said β€œMike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CCisme5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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When ever someone asks me to hold the door for them.

I keep it closed like my life depended on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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[Meta] Dadjokes aren't just puns.

As a big proponent of the dadjoke I want to argue that a dadjoke is not just a pun. I see lots of material submitted here that might be better suited for /r/punny.

Speaking as a dad, for me a classic dad joke is highly dependent on the context.

I can't whip out old standbys at any moment and call them proper dadjokes. If I'm driving my kid to school I can't just ask him "Hey, do you know why the kids couldn't see the pirate movie? It was rated aaarrrgh!". That's just a bad joke.

OTOH, if my kid says "are" kinda funny (which he has before), and I make a joke about him being the youngest pirate I know (I may or may not have done this before), then that's a dadjoke. A shitty one, but still a dadjoke. The best context ones are where a situation presents itself and the dad takes the opportunity to make the lame joke (as in a post from awhile back where the OP overheard three or four dads make almost the exact same joke at an aquarium).

Straight up puns should go to /r/punny. Context specific jokes which rely on vagaries of the language or the funny situation, should stay here.

Just my two cents worth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smileyman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2016
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A guy walks into a bar

he later leaves the bar, because he realizes that his alcohol dependence is driving a wedge between him and his family. After a while he returns to the bar, because he was so drunk that he forgot his wallet their. He then drives home, crashes into his own front lawn, knocks on the door, to find his wife standing their with a bread roller in hand. She asks him, "are you drunk you swine?!" he replies, "no ma'am, I just forgot my wallet at the bar, so I had to swing back and get it....because I was their getting drunk, I'm sorry for lying to you officer..." his wife then leaves him and goes to the same bar to get drunk.... his entire family consists of alcoholics...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nirvanaspirit666
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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How much would a trip to spain cost?

It depends on where you live . For example, if you live in Spain,it's free

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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How far you can travel when tireless

depends on whether you're running or driving.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
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"Do you know that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

" Really, Honey?"

β€œDepends on how fast you carry the flashlight.”

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
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How many children does it take to change a light bulb?

Well it depends on wattage they are.

If theyre bright enough they can do it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mischiefkel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
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How many meters are in a day?

Just depends on how long it is.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bragisson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
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How many feet are in a yard

Depends on how many come to the barbecue

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EasyGmoney
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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How many feet are in a yard?

Depends on how many people are standing in it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Farmof5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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Got my boyfriend the other day

I asked him if we could make plans on his day off. He said it depends on the catch up he has. I asked him, what if it's heinz?

πŸ‘︎ 322
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elephanttusk123
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2015
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How many feet are in a yard?

Depends on how many people are in the yard

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daniel_m132
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
🚨︎ report

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