My wife demanded that I take the spider that was in the kitchen, outโ€ฆ

Nice guy! We got a couple of beers. He wants to be a web developer someday.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 464
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BusyPooping
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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All donkeys of the world gathered in a rally and demanded a seperate nation for donkeys

The leader donkey got shot and killed.

Ass-as-a-nation

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/crazyjarvis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A Jamaican man has stormed into my hairdressers and demanded I give him a new style

I'm dreading it

๐Ÿ‘︎ 411
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GaryTheKnight
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did the banker break up with his girlfriend after she demanded that he forgive her loan?...

He lost interest

Edit: *Why

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Vladipus222
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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My wife demanded i stop singing that Oasis song.

I said, "Hey now!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ganders81
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 26 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So the music exec demanded we put together a band out of just fishermen and soda jerks

Apparently he wanted to churn out catchy pop songs

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jesset77
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Alice realized she would have to delay her trip a day since the White Rabbit demanded she give him a trim right now. She sighed, "Oh well..."

"...hare today, gone tomorrow."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/johnabbe
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I own a fake town which is actually a horror theme park and I only let a few people in at a time to keep demand and prices high.

It's called artificial scare-city

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TomBaiRaise
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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A friend of mine is starting a new business... he thinks there's going to be a huge demand for cannabis-fed cattle.

I thought about investing, but the steaks are too high.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 26
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VA_DiagSexAddict
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call the kid in class that always demands the teacher give the exam results ASAP?

Markus

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lakkabrah
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Demand for trampolines fluctuate
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/celerybreath
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
When she has demands
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Elephantbookworm11
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
โ€œNationโ€™s Geologists demand more money for Marijuana researchโ€ I guess those geologists are a bunch of Stoners.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sK197666
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I stormed into the library today demanding to know why the book on high conflict personalities I'd ordered still wasn't in.

"It's not our fault" said the librarian,

"That's the one" I replied.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rav4xle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Currently in the hospital after the birth of our third child. Wife talking to lactation consultant about supply vs demand.

I chime in, "Sounds like MILKroeconomics 101."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JoshSamBob
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2020
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My boss sent me an email in big, dark letters demanding that I personally deliver my report to him ASAPโ€ฆ

Iโ€™ve got to hand it to him, that was pretty bold.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CorbanzoBean69
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 10 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear that due to the high demand for toilet paper they are going to allow it to be used as currency?

They call it buttcoin.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/harrisbradley
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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Toilet paper companies have decided against increasing production to meet current demands.

They said it would make business plunge.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheOrderOfARA
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Ron worked at Chihuahua Nation Incorporated.

One day, a blind customer came in with his chihuahua and demanded a return. โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong with your CNI dog, sir?โ€ Ron asked. He yelled, โ€œThis isnโ€™t what I meant!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/morsodo99
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
If Karen had a job, what would her position be?

Head of the chain of demand.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Anonymous8776
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
[OC] Why is Sharon demanding to speak to your manager?

Because Sharon is Karen! (โ˜ž๏พŸใƒฎ๏พŸ)โ˜ž

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TimmyTesticles
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I tried to belch on demand

But I just didn't have it in me

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dmdeemer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What has only one finger and is very demanding ?

A Ransom Note.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/frenzy3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......

The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."

The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.

"How??" Demands the first one.

"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."

"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.

"You see my friend" sighed the second one "I still have my wife!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ball5deeper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole

Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.

Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 529
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/johnblu5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The lights on my roof damaged Santa's sleigh last night. I was really worried he'd demand I pay for the damages.

But I don't owe anything; it was on the house.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Maimonides_vii
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why does Tom demand his egg cooked with a perfectly circular yolk?

Because he's eggcentric

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Disrupturous
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did the unappreciated on demand water heater say to the water softener?

This is a tankless job.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ThisismeCody
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So a friend of mine was saying that her son was too demanding and that he needed to learn the world doesn't revolve around him.

I told her that hers does because he's her son and the world revolves around the son.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Calthropstu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What does the french fry god demand?

Sack-o-fries

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lemonoranges2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 04 2018
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I had a job as a Librarian...

but I found the work quiet demanding.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/youtellmebob
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My buddy got a new job fixing on-demand water heaters

When I asked him how it was going he said, "it's a tankless job, but somebody's gotta do it."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yoquiero
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 12 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A guy walks into a bar with a girl

They walk up to the bartender and order. The girl orders water and the man orders magic water. The girl asks him "What's magic water?" The man replies "Its just like water but when you drink it you can fly." The girl exclaims "I don't believe you, prove it." So the two run up the stairs to the roof and the man jumps off and glides to the ground safely. The girl runs back down the stairs and meets back with the guy. She demands that he should give her some magic water to fly. So he does and the both go back up to the roof and jump off. The guy glides down and lands safely while the girl just feel and died. The guy reentered the bar and the bartender told him "You can be a real dick when you are drunk Superman"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BbBTripl3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What is Salvador Dali's favorite breakfast food?

Surreal.

EDIT: My coworker demands that I give her credit for this. And she's right

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JMCatron
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My son asked me what it was like being married...

So I asked him to leave me alone and when he did I demanded to know why he was ignoring me!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 103
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bakedschwarzenbach
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 26 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There will likely be fewer gifts from santa this year

The elves have been on strike.

Their biggest demand is universal elfcare.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jakmcbane77
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There's a reason why archaeology majors are in such low demand.

It's a dying field.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bengalsix
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The Cheerio story

So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasnโ€™t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this ladโ€™s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the familyโ€™s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasnโ€™t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the โ€œAmerican dreamโ€ and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jackcrackaman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad demands an "upstairs maid" for my parents' one story house.

He says it's only fair since Mom has a pool boy.

...Neither of these things are true. He says this all the time. Pls help.

Edit: They don't have a pool either.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/attacktheblock
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There was once a communist dictator...

There was once a communist dictator who was unable to fulfill his promises of peace, land, and bread. Angered, the citizens of his country demanded he apologize and tell them his plans for the future. All night, he thought about what he would say. When he finally got on the stage, the crowd was eager to hear him โ€” but he didnโ€™t speak. Why?

I donโ€™t know. He was just Stalin.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Thesmartguava
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The gunslinger walks through the saloon doors...

and he just stands there, surveying the assemblage as the room goes quiet. And suddenly he yells, "All you dirty bastards, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

And the crowd rushing the exists raises a cloud of dust, obscuring vision. When it settled, the gunslinger notices one little wizened old man tucked in a corner beside the piano. The gunslinger walks over, his spurs making a small jingling sound. He stands in front of the still-seated old man. "WELL?," he demands.

The old man looks up earnestly into the gunslinger's face, "Sure was a lot of 'em, wasn't ther?".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Shagata_Ganai
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Goats don't instinctively know, and have to find out for themselves, that if you sleep with a jackass, mule regret it.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pnewell
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The issue with duck eggs.

Two farmers, Ben and Dave, are discussing their produce. Ben mentions that there has been a strange recent demand in duck eggs, and is going to begin producing them. Dave replies that he tried to produce them long ago, but had to stop due to issues with their delivery.

"What issues?" Asks Ben, with a confused expression on his face.

"They caused way too much mess in the delivery truck," Dave explains, "You'll find out soon enough, duck eggs quack really easily."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rapidToothbrush
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A rope walks into a bar...

he sits down and orders a drink. the bartender says, "I'm sorry. we don't serve ropes at this establishment". The rope shrugs it off and leaves. The next day, the rope thought to himself, maybe it was just the one bartender who was a jerk. I'll go back and try again. He walks into the bar, see's a new bartender, and sits down to order a drink. Alas, this new bartender says, "we don't serve ropes at this bar". The rope is getting pretty heated at this point. He storms out of the bar, ruffles his ends, gets himself all twisted up, marches right back in, and demands a drink. The bartender responds, "aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" the rope responds, "no, I'm a frayed knot"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/1_h473_l337_5p34k
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 25 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Had to return my chocolate chess set to Thornton's

Me: I demand a refund!

Assistant: what's wrong with it?

Me: It's stale mate.

Assistant: Surely not?

Me: Check mate.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/occasionallylurking
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 08 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Whatโ€™s with all the hype over sawed-off shotguns?

I know, right? With that level of demand, youโ€™d think theyโ€™d be called โ€œsawed-after.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kittyabbygirl
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I was going to get a job a crematorium,

But I'm lactose intolerant

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/preston98_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/M3gaC00l
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Don't accept shampoo...

Demand real poo...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Banished to the couch for having soul

As stated my wife banished me to the couch for this.

She had a late start at work today, so she did some work around the house, including hanging the wreath.

After picking her up from work that evening we got home and she asked me if I liked the wreath. I responded with "the Franklin? It looks good".

She wasn't happy about that, and kept insisting I call it a wreath. Our friends all came over for D&D and I continued to interject whenever she showed someone that it was called "A Franklin".

Eventually she got really mad and demanded to know why I wouldn't call it a wreath. So I hugged her and said "I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't know it was so important to you. I mean, A-Wreath, A-Franklin, what's the difference?".

So yeah, sleeping on the couch.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Azuya
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The story of Kenneth Lamar Noid

The following story is true.

Perhaps you have heard of The Noid. He was a character created by Domino's Pizza to act as a villain who would attempt to make your pizza taste crappy due to lack of freshness. Thankfully, according to Domino's, The Noid could easily be foiled by their 30 minute delivery guarantee.

On January 30, 1989, a man by the name of Kenneth Lamar Noid took the creation of the little guy as a personal attack on his character. Not one to take such a slight lying down, Mr. Noid took a Domino's location in Atlanta hostage, forcing them to make a special pizza and salad against their will. His demands included $100,000, getaway transportation, and a copy of the hit science fiction novel, "The Widow's Son".

Eventually, Mr. Noid surrendered to the police. After the incident, when reached for comment about Mr. Noid, Police Chief Reed Miller was quoted as saying, "He's paranoid."

Thank you for your time.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/salty904
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife

Demanded my neighbor.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/eltegs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
"I'd like to return this, please," I told the cashier.

"Sorry, sir. We can't do that."

"But I have the receipt here! I'm demanding my money back!" I shouted.

"You can't do that with a lottery ticket, sir," he replied.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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A friend of mine is annoyed about the upcoming Tetris movie trilogy

He said nobody wants a Tetris movie.

I told him demand will fall in place very shortly.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wjack12
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 01 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Girlfriend was tired of large words

My girlfriend and I were driving for a long while and under my coercion she was reading Dune to me. After the first chapter she grew rather tired of the amount of large words mixed in with made-up sci-fi words. She demanded that she be exempt from large words for the test of the day. I replied, "So I guess defenestration is out the window."

She hit me. A lot.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/plax77
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 14 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
[request] Punny name for a lime tree

Hi all,

so my boyfriend purchades a lime tree and wants to name it. As an aspiring dad and a pun artist his only demand for the name is for it to be punny.

Can you punny people come up with a funny name for alime tree?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bluediarrhea
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My barber charged me $20 to get a hair cut.

But I demanded that he cut the rest of them as well.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Onegodoneloveoneway
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 06 2017
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My wife just got me bad.

Watching TV and some show has a commercial on and it says "catch up now OnDemand!". I'm only half paying attention to it when my wife looks at me and is like "but what if I want mustard?"

EDIT: Removed accidental extra word.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 38
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/IUindy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 17 2016
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John started working in a color pigment company...

John started working in a color pigment company which specialises in mixing and editing different color pigments according to their customers's demands. Once the color pigments were done, they would be mailed out to the customers with a detailed note commenting on the properties of the produced color pigments. John was placed in the 'Pink Pigment' department which was incidentally between the 'Red Pigment' and 'White Pigment' departments. He was really good at his job and was constantly praised for the great work he produced.

However after a month or so, John found that a number of his work was being duplicated and mailed to almost all of his customers. Worse of all, instead of a proper note commenting on the color pigment properties, these duplicated products were accompanied with rather bad puns and jokes. One repeating joke which irritated him the most was: 'What do you call a country with only pink cars? A pink car-nation.'

Upset, he went to his manager to complain about the problem. After listening to John, his manager said, "Oh boy, looks like I need to talk to the manager of the 'Red Pigment' department again. This is not the first time that it has happened. Those Red-editors in that department love to copy and repost other people's original work as their own."
John then asked, "How are you so sure that it was them who are responsible?"
His manager replied, "Well, you can be certain that it is them as they always love jokes or puns especially in the comment section."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AesSedai99
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 22 2018
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Bloody Foreigner!

Coming over here, demanding to know what love is!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cheesbaby
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 20 2017
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sherlock and watson camping in the woods

Sherlock says look up watson, what do you see? Wayson says, stars. Dedeuce says sherlock. Well therer's millions of them replies watson. deduece further demands sherlock! well a lot of them are galaxies, and if I do the math, there must be life around least one of them, replies watson.

And more asks sherlock?

Well if there is life around at least one star, it stands to reason that there is intelligence up there, says watson.

That's great replies sherlock, but you never noticed that someone has stolen our fucking tent.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/eltegs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2018
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For any chemistry dads out there

So there's a bunch of small charged particles and they work at a factory. They work hard but the boss is really tough. So they start coming together and grouping up demanding better conditions. They realized the best way to be taken seriously was by being unionized

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/32543
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 28 2017
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In a little-known piece of rock history..

Courtney Love once asked Jon Bon Jovi to name her new band. Bon Jovi jokingly suggested 'Hole'.

Love though this was great - provocative and rude - so she went with it. Her ex, Corey Hart, of 'Sunglasses At Night' fame, did not approve. He sought to confront Bon Jovi on the night of Hole's first gig and, a little drunk, tried to climb the fence of Bon Jovi's LA estate.

Bon Jovi, thinking Hart an intruder, winged him with a gun belonging to Bono and The Edge's tour manager, who was dining there that night. The ensuing fracas was in all the papers, overshadowing Hole's debut, and angering Kurt Cobain, who was interested in Hole's lead singer.

Cobain sent Jon Bon Jovi a note, demanding he apologise, and Bon Jovi replied ...

"Shot Corey Hart, and U2 blamed. You give Love a band name."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Flanky_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
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Punny names of Dark Souls 3 bosses.

For reference: Link to wiki

Some of these are done in a kind of "news headline"-style:

  • Choir leader fired after using too much sexual innuendo; "Lewd Ex Cantor."

  • Video on demand about a street where nothing happens; "Vod of the Boring Alley."

  • Man's brutal cousin turns out to be a great bloke; "Raw-Ted, Great Dude".

  • Panic spreads as toilet facilities take over the world; "Cry! Stall-Age."

  • A man orders a book of basic letters to look after his daughters belongings while he looks after the others; "ABC, Watch Her's!".

  • Sams brother cheats a dude; "Dean Cons the Peep."

  • A ride in the amusement park offers a wide range of emotions; "High! Low! Woo! Nah."

  • A weird and hard to describe new dessert; "Cold Lemon Thing."

  • A new star in stand up rises! Come see "Puntiff Sulyvahn."

  • Pirates start eating fava beans and a new drink is required; "Yo! Ho! The Chianti!."

  • A Long lived man has an unusual apetite for fish; "Old-Rick, Devourer of Cods".

  • In Bacteria-Town, a devastating disease strikes one inhabitant working at a hotel; "Cancer of the Borrelia Valet".

  • Roman god Cubid is ordered to take a woman to cave and kill her; "Drag and Slay Her Amor"

  • Osiris's statue has been in way too many marriages and people have started to call it; "Osiris the Consummated Thing."

  • The choir leader from before is transformed into a mushroom; "Champignon Cantor"

  • An english man becomes the leader of a Polish airplane company and gets nicknamed; "LOT-Rick"

  • An impatient tree person attacks a random mythical hunter; "Antsy Ent! Why Hern?!"

  • Horse named Elvis keeps making noise and a man shouts;"Neigh Less King!"

  • A child opens a chocolate egg and a white spirit jumps out; "Soul of Kinder"

Sorry about the possible typos.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dralnu22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 13 2016
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College is the opposite of kidnapping...

They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2016
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You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...

They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.

You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DrakeMaijstral
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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I dad joked the entire party last night

I had a bunch of people over at my place last night to throw a birthday party for my best friend. We were just hanging out, drinking beer, and bouncing some ping pong balls around. I proceeded to try some shots like bouncing the ball off the table, then wall, then back to me. I did one that bounced off of two walls and back to me that impressed my friend. She then jokingly demanded that I do it again.

However, when I attempted it this time the ball ended up hitting a beer can on the table. As soon as I saw this I just shrugged and said "I can't!"

The entire party groaned together as I proceeded to laugh myself silly.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/googie_g15
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
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Amanda, don't you mean...

Context: My mother's name is Amanda

My and my parents are sitting in the kitchen, getting ready for dinner.

My Mom asks me to grab something from downstairs.

Me: uh, you're so demanding /s.

Dad: Don't you mean demanda.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dairfey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 31 2016
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Son, if you decide to call a psychic to talk to me after I die...

...and you're going "Oh my gosh, I'm so overwhelmed," and the psychic doesn't say "Hi, So Overwhelmed, I'm dead," demand your money back.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thefizzynator
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 03 2016
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Three for one at Denny's

Homeless regular at Denny's sits down next to me at the counter.

He says, "Hey, Judy, I'll have a streak and eggs."

Judy, a waitress of sixty-some years inquires, "Do you have enough money for it?"

The man says, "I'd stake my life on it."

Judy gets annoyed and demands to see it, to which the man responds, pulling out a ten dollar bill, "Un-eggs-pected, I know."

She said, "No tip again, huh?"

He shoots back, "C'mon! Meat me in the middle here!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Flipnotyk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
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Could've just asked the concierge.

I was at the airport waiting for my flight home the other night when over the P.A they asked everyone from flight DJ-478 to Sydney to make their way to the service desk, so myself and my fellow passengers make our way over to the desk, where the very embarrassed and obviously distressed desk worker informs us that our flight has been cancelled, and the next one isn't till the morning, she then tells us that the airport will happily put us up in the 5 star hotel around the corner, and have us dropped back at the airport at 7am the following morning. Most the people there accepted this, after the desk lady told us it was for our personal safety and that there wasn't a lot more they could do, except this one particular gentleman, who storms over to the desk, and tells the woman that he needed to be in sydney tonight, and demands a flight be made available. (It's like 9:30 by this point, surely it could wait till the morning?). After again apologizing to the man, she tells him that won't be possible, and she sends us all on our way to the shuttle bus, with our bags already on there, and off we go to the hotel. The entire bus trip this guy carried on whinging and swearing, getting angrier and angrier by the second. We get to the hotel, and he's about 30 people behind the front of the queue to check in, and he gets impatient with the time it's taking, and again, storms his way up the line, past me (I was at the front), walks over to the desk, slams his fist down and says to the woman behind the desk "I want the biggest room you have, I want it in the next 30 seconds or so help me god, you aren't gonna like what happens", the woman looked up at him and said "Sir, the airport has paid for the rooms we already have organized, if you'll take your place back in line, we'll be with you as soon as we can", the guy got really angry about being asked to move back to his spot, he threw his bag down, and yelled at the woman, "Fuck this, call me a taxi, right fucking now, I'll find somewhere else to stay", that's when i decided to step in.

I said. "Oh okay then, you're a taxi".

He took his place back in line pretty quick.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/iCappa
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
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Seein eye dog.

A blind person and his seeing eye dog go to a Walmart. Standing in aisle 5, he suddenly grabs the dog and hurls it around above his head a couple of times.

This naturally causes a commotion and the floor manager comes running.

"What are you doing!?" he demands, in a rather accusing way.

The blind man goes "Oh, just looking around"...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/diMario
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 20 2014
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My AP Econ teacher must be a dad

I DEMAND that you SUPPLY me with answers to the following questions:

p. 96 #'s 1, 2, 3, 6, 8, 9, & 11 finish for Monday

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PeterDhugeD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 26 2014
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Girlfriend dadjoked me about my hair

My girlfriend has said before that I have baby hair due to it being soft.

At the store she jokingly mentioned that I buy baby shampoo.

Her:"Your hair demands that you get baby shampoo"

Me:"I don't think my hair demands anything"

Her:"You're right... it debabies it"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/aggierogue3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 16 2014
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Boycott shampoo!!!

Demand real poo.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 17 2018
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Don't accept shampoo...

Demand real poo!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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