Wife: Suppose you hit a jackpot of a Million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of a million , what will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Woodblockprint
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did a constipated moses demand while on the toilet?

"Let my fecal go!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MasterNova924
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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Did you hear about this new soup that's highly in demand?

It's always out of stock

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/almondjoyeee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I own a fake town which is actually a horror theme park and I only let a few people in at a time to keep demand and prices high.

It's called artificial scare-city

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TomBaiRaise
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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A friend of mine is starting a new business... he thinks there's going to be a huge demand for cannabis-fed cattle.

I thought about investing, but the steaks are too high.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VA_DiagSexAddict
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Demand for trampolines fluctuate
๐Ÿ‘︎ 26
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/celerybreath
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
When she has demands
๐Ÿ‘︎ 37
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Elephantbookworm11
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
โ€œNationโ€™s Geologists demand more money for Marijuana researchโ€ I guess those geologists are a bunch of Stoners.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sK197666
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear that due to the high demand for toilet paper they are going to allow it to be used as currency?

They call it buttcoin.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/harrisbradley
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Currently in the hospital after the birth of our third child. Wife talking to lactation consultant about supply vs demand.

I chime in, "Sounds like MILKroeconomics 101."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JoshSamBob
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I tried to belch on demand

But I just didn't have it in me

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dmdeemer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why does Tom demand his egg cooked with a perfectly circular yolk?

Because he's eggcentric

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Disrupturous
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The lights on my roof damaged Santa's sleigh last night. I was really worried he'd demand I pay for the damages.

But I don't owe anything; it was on the house.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Maimonides_vii
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did the unappreciated on demand water heater say to the water softener?

This is a tankless job.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ThisismeCody
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What does the french fry god demand?

Sack-o-fries

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lemonoranges2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 04 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My buddy got a new job fixing on-demand water heaters

When I asked him how it was going he said, "it's a tankless job, but somebody's gotta do it."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yoquiero
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 12 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad demands an "upstairs maid" for my parents' one story house.

He says it's only fair since Mom has a pool boy.

...Neither of these things are true. He says this all the time. Pls help.

Edit: They don't have a pool either.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/attacktheblock
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There's a reason why archaeology majors are in such low demand.

It's a dying field.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bengalsix
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A friend demanded that I tell him about 2 types of water containers.

I responded with "Well dam!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HypnoSnurtle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A cop stopped me and demanded i get out of the car. "You're staggering" he said.

"Well thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 62
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I just got a letter from a herb and spice company demanding the $100 I owe them.

If I don't pay them within a week, they have threatened to send the bay leafs around.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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We got a new air mattress but it was too lumpy. We called customer support, very angry, demanding our money back!

They said we were blowing it out of proportion.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sir_Pluses
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
When I go grocery shopping, I always buy one pear

And then demand a second one, due to false advertising

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OK_lp
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
"That was so baaaad, Dad"

I remembered a good Dad joke moment.

My wife and I had picked up our daughter and two of her friends. They were in the back of our minivan.

My wife inquired about one of the kids mothers that she was friends with since we hadn't seen them in a while. They moved because of work to another town.

I guess the job was going well and they were making a good deal of money. The kid said, "She doing good, but she's spending a lot of money. She remodeled the kitchen and bought 4K TVs."

They kept chatting lightly and when there was a lull in conversation, I quietly said, "That's a lot of TVs." Just loud enough for everyone to hear but not loud enough to really demand anyone listen.

But then it happened. An uncomfortable pause - the fabled pregnant pause - and they started talking again. No one said anything about it but I knew it landed.

After we dropped the kids off, the first thing my daughter said, "That was SO bad. "

This was at LEAST 10 minutes after I said it. She had been thinking about that joke the whole time. She said the other kids were like looking around like WTF?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/loosebag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
College is the opposite of kidnapping....

They demand $100,000, or they will send your kid back.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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I went to my dads mirror warehouse

Upon further reflection i decided to leave

I just thought this up I hope its an original one

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kaoskrim
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife demanded that I take the spider that was in the kitchen, outโ€ฆ

Nice guy! We got a couple of beers. He wants to be a web developer someday.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 460
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BusyPooping
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I stormed into the library today demanding to know why the book on high conflict personalities I'd ordered still wasn't in.

"It's not our fault" said the librarian,

"That's the one" I replied.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rav4xle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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My boss sent me an email in big, dark letters demanding that I personally deliver my report to him ASAPโ€ฆ

Iโ€™ve got to hand it to him, that was pretty bold.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CorbanzoBean69
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 10 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A Jamaican man has stormed into my hairdressers and demanded I give him a new style

I'm dreading it

๐Ÿ‘︎ 408
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GaryTheKnight
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Once upon a time in the jungle...

Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story isโ€ฆ wait for itโ€ฆ

He who lives in grass houses shouldnโ€™t stow thrones.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Pirate-Frog
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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All donkeys of the world gathered in a rally and demanded a seperate nation for donkeys

The leader donkey got shot and killed.

Ass-as-a-nation

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/crazyjarvis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
[OC] Why is Sharon demanding to speak to your manager?

Because Sharon is Karen! (โ˜ž๏พŸใƒฎ๏พŸ)โ˜ž

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TimmyTesticles
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cc1963
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What has only one finger and is very demanding ?

A Ransom Note.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/frenzy3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion โ€“ but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits โ€“ all from late twentieth-century Terra โ€“ on a training study of Carterโ€™s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

โ€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are gradedโ€, exclaimed one student. โ€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?โ€

โ€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearbyโ€, said Feghoot. โ€œLet us walk that way while I explain.โ€ As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carterโ€™s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

โ€œI seeโ€, said the student. โ€œItโ€™s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s right,โ€ Feghoot went on smoothly. โ€œYou just hit the road jack and donโ€™t come back no mo.โ€

His students registered dismay and anguish.

โ€œIsnโ€™t that right, old-timer?,โ€ Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

โ€œAhm afraid not, suhโ€, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. โ€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. Itโ€™s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

โ€œSo you see,โ€ he finished, eyes twinkling, โ€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.โ€

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. โ€œAnd heโ€, he said, turning to his students, โ€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nomnommish
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."

The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.

The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"

The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.

The guy asks the dog "What do people put over the top of their house?" The dog replies "Roof!"

The bartender gets annoyed and gives the guy one more chance.

The guy asks the dog "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time? Babe......" The dog replies "Ruth!"

The bartender is fed up and throws them out. The dog says "Should I have said 'Lou Gehrig?'"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sarcasticpremed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.

Heโ€™s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, โ€œwhat gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?โ€she demands. โ€œWhat does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?โ€

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

โ€œYou keep out of this! She yells, โ€œIโ€™m talking to that little jerk on your knee!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/crazyfortaco
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did the banker break up with his girlfriend after she demanded that he forgive her loan?...

He lost interest

Edit: *Why

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Vladipus222
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
If Karen had a job, what would her position be?

Head of the chain of demand.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Anonymous8776
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife demanded i stop singing that Oasis song.

I said, "Hey now!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ganders81
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 26 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole

Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.

Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 528
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/johnblu5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Ron worked at Chihuahua Nation Incorporated.

One day, a blind customer came in with his chihuahua and demanded a return. โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong with your CNI dog, sir?โ€ Ron asked. He yelled, โ€œThis isnโ€™t what I meant!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/morsodo99
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So a friend of mine was saying that her son was too demanding and that he needed to learn the world doesn't revolve around him.

I told her that hers does because he's her son and the world revolves around the son.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Calthropstu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Alice realized she would have to delay her trip a day since the White Rabbit demanded she give him a trim right now. She sighed, "Oh well..."

"...hare today, gone tomorrow."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/johnabbe
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So the music exec demanded we put together a band out of just fishermen and soda jerks

Apparently he wanted to churn out catchy pop songs

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jesset77
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......

The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."

The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.

"How??" Demands the first one.

"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."

"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.

"You see my friend" sighed the second one "I still have my wife!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ball5deeper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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