Hot and fresh, made to order puns!
Do you need a pun? Just ask!
I can do puns with just one subject, puns that connect two subjects, pun pickup lines, and pun-chlines for jokes of the form "____ walks into a bar."
Just comment on this post with the subject you need a pun on, and I will get back to you as soon as possible.
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︎ Sep 18 2019
TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested.
π︎ 18k
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︎ Jul 08 2020
Auditoriums are specially designed so that sound will bounce around the walls and ceiling in order to be projected to the audience. However, if you place a pigeon on the stage, the coo of said pigeon will not bounce.
This is because of a-coo-sticks.
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︎ Jul 17 2020
A horse enters a bar and orders a drink.
When heβs finished, the barkeep asks if he wants another. The horse replies, βI donβt think I do...β and vanished from existence.
To get the joke, you need to know Rene Descartesβ theory βI think, therefore I am.β But if I explained that before the joke, I would be putting Descartes before de horse.
<Staring into the crowd like Fozzie Bear>
... Iβll show myself out.
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︎ Jul 24 2020
A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink
The bartender asks him how will he be paying. The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill"
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︎ Jul 09 2020
I applied for a job as a short order cook...
...but I didnβt get the job. They said I was too tall.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jul 21 2020
I donβt care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy Iβve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
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︎ Jul 23 2020
A tall order
π︎ 48
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︎ Jul 08 2020
I told my wife I was going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order. She said "Where would you find the time ?"
I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"
π︎ 18
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︎ Jul 22 2020
God, they are invading us: we need LAW & ORDER!!!
π︎ 25
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︎ Jun 16 2020
You would expect A Queue to go in order
but it skips b c d e f g h I j k l m n o and p
π︎ 4
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︎ Aug 05 2020
How does the computer programmer order all her books?
By the Dewey Hexadecimal System!
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 03 2020
I must have 10 New Order records but I only ever seem to play one of them.
I have a serious Substance abuse problem
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︎ Jul 31 2020
Help! I started arranging them by artist but that wasnβt right. Then by title, but that wasnβt right either. Nor by colour. Nor alphabetically by first track title. Finally, I arranged them by number of tracks, but I just couldnβt get them in the right order. So I got rid of them all. Do I have 0CD?
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 12 2020
A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips.
The barman replies βsorry mate we only do plainβ
π︎ 8
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︎ Jul 28 2020
In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, Iβve been dancing in public while insulting people.
I practice social diss dancing.
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︎ Jul 24 2020
What does a pirate order in a Vietnamese bar
Pho Hoe Hoe and a bottle of rum
π︎ 13
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︎ Jul 12 2020
My wife just gave me a restraining order..
Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander....
π︎ 53
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︎ Jun 08 2020
What did the russian author order for breakfast?
π︎ 3
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︎ Jun 25 2020
God, they are invading us: we need LAW & ORDER!!!
π︎ 7
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︎ Jun 16 2020
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...
Looks like the boa cons tricked her...
π︎ 102
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︎ May 13 2020
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
π︎ 89
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︎ May 04 2020
Whenever my friend smells, he says things in the wrong order.
He's got a terrible case of body Yoda
π︎ 24
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︎ Jun 09 2020
How does Cyndi Lauper order her spices?
π︎ 38
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︎ Jun 04 2020
A mathematical analysis is in order....
π︎ 14
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︎ May 27 2020
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000.
Mario: Why?
Judge: It's a fine.
Mario: No, itsa not.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 12 2020
Went to my butchers for my dinner but he gave me the wrong order
π︎ 10
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︎ May 17 2020
Sir, why aren't you eating dat order?
Because of eating disorder.
π︎ 4
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︎ May 17 2020
An beautiful woman orders a turkey sandwich at a deli, with pickles on the side. The guy behind the counter looks at her and says, "You like big pickles?" and winks. As he slides her a pastrami sandwich she looks at him, smiles, licks her lips and says
π︎ 669
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︎ Feb 04 2020
So we were at a mcdonald's and they got my dad's order wrong 5 times.
Dad goes "Get me your mcfucking manager."
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 08 2020
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said alphabetically or by age
π︎ 39
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︎ Apr 24 2020
A guy came into the bar to order a glass of Coca-Cola's first diet drink, saying to put it on his bill.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jun 04 2020
You can order bathroom fixtures online and have someone at you door in a couple days ready to install it,
π︎ 4
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︎ May 25 2020
What drink does a frog order at the bar?
π︎ 13
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︎ May 17 2020
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
π︎ 48
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︎ Mar 13 2020
I was fired from Jimmy Johns because I kept mixing up peopleβs orders.
π︎ 18
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︎ Apr 10 2020
A man walks into the pizza shop and orders a pizza. The worker asked if he wanted it cut into 4 pieces or 6 pieces.
The man said 4 because he probably wasnβt going to eat 6.
π︎ 3
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︎ May 19 2020
Judge: Order in the court!
Me: I'll have a cheeseburger and fries
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 10 2020
two cops go around the block and see if everything is in order...
one of them says "look, there's a dead bird!"
the other looks up into the sky
"where?"
π︎ 2
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︎ May 22 2020
A queen ant's job is to keep order in the colony...
π︎ 5
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︎ May 11 2020
Some reorganization is definitely in order for me.
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 08 2020
I thought we're supposed to isolate in order to "flatten the curve,"
but I'm only getting fatter.
-My dad
π︎ 16
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︎ Mar 24 2020
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.
Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
π︎ 525
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︎ Dec 12 2019
If cows donβt have Internet, how do they order things?
π︎ 80
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︎ Feb 14 2020
What drink did the judge order?
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 12 2020
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: Iβll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say βwaiter thereβs a hare in my soupβ after I bring it
...
DAD: Iβll have the chicken
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︎ Feb 06 2020
My wife always orders her Indian food with the highest level of spiciness.
Sheβs very curry-ageous.
π︎ 15
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︎ Feb 23 2020
Where does Elsa order her sandwiches?
π︎ 52
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︎ Jan 06 2020
Would you like your order fΓΌhrer or to go?
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 19 2020
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 15 2020
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, β oh thatβs just a freebie.β
π︎ 124
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︎ Jan 04 2020
What did the mathematician order at the Spanish restaurant?
π︎ 7
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︎ Feb 02 2020
I'm concerned people aren't staying in and taking the whole stay at home order seriously
Car dealerships have more cars in their lots than ever!
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 26 2020
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order: 456123?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
π︎ 383
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︎ Oct 16 2019
Congratulations are in order
π︎ 40
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︎ Jan 06 2020
I just saw a Buddhist order a hot dog.
He said, "Make me one with everything. "
π︎ 39
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︎ Jan 10 2020
A man orders soup at a restaurant
He orders turtle soup, the waiter takes his order and starts to walk off. The main suddenly sees his favourite pea soup and calls back the waiter. The man says "Waiter im terrible sorry but would you mind holding the turtle and make it pea?"
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 15 2020
I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 13 2020
Since the government's instituted shelter-in-place orders, lions have been roaming main street...
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 21 2020
Don't order the carat cake at a jewlers' convention
The quality is excellent, but the serving size is only 0.2 grams
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 24 2020
Whenever I find a difficult level on a game I give up and go search for a walkthrough in order to clear it.
I really should get past this phase.
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 19 2020
Who keeps order in the food court?
π︎ 4
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︎ Feb 26 2020
What does an aardvark order on their pizza?
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 13 2020
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 23 2020
Nurse: Okay doc, here's the list of heart and kidney donors in alphabetical order
Doc: Wow, it's very organized ;)
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 16 2020
A man walks into a restaurant and orders chicken
The waiter asks him, βwhat kind of chicken?β To which the man replies, βIβll roll with rotisserieβ
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 17 2019
Coworkers were planning lunch orders
Boss asked for a number 7, coworker asked what it was, I replied with the one after a number 6
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︎ Feb 13 2020
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 29 2019
What kind of cookies doesn't follow orders
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 19 2020
My daughter has to screen the light from windows and doors in order to get ideas...
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 05 2020
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
π︎ 35
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︎ Oct 18 2019
Iβve started growing herbs in my garden. To help identify them iβm growing them in alphabetical order. My neighbour asked me, how you find the time. I said, easy, itβs right here next to the sage.
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︎ Aug 15 2019
How does the Dali Lama order pizza?
π︎ 17
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︎ Dec 21 2019
Why did the milk get a restraining order against the grocer?
It said he was a stocker.
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︎ Oct 26 2019
I got into a huge argument with my wife over what kind of bread to order at the Indian restaurant
But it turned out to be a naan issue
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 04 2020
To order pizza or make it at home
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 01 2020
In order to have a murder of crows, there must be probable caws.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Sep 04 2018
What did Shakespeare order when he went to McDonalds?
π︎ 19
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︎ Dec 08 2019
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks, "How much?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"
π︎ 42
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︎ May 29 2020
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. The bartender says...
"Sorry we donβt serve food here."
π︎ 5
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︎ Jul 04 2020
Sir, why aren't you eating dat order?
Because of eating disorder.
π︎ 7
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︎ May 17 2020
I told my wife that Iβm going to arrange all the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.
She said, βWhere would you find the time?β
I said, βEasy. Right next to the sage.β
π︎ 28
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︎ Apr 10 2020
Judge to Mario... I order you to pay Β£10000
Mario: Why?
Judge: It's a fine
Mario: (Sadly) No its a not
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 15 2020
A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
π︎ 32
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︎ Feb 11 2020
I told my wife, βIβm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.β
She said, βWhere would you find the time?β
I said, βThat should be easy. Next to the sage.β
π︎ 8k
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︎ Dec 07 2018
So a dead battery walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender how much.
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︎ Jan 06 2020
What did the monk order at the hot dog stand?
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 16 2020
Is it worse to be out of order
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 06 2020
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