Hot and fresh, made to order puns!
Do you need a pun? Just ask!
I can do puns with just one subject, puns that connect two subjects, pun pickup lines, and pun-chlines for jokes of the form "____ walks into a bar."
Just comment on this post with the subject you need a pun on, and I will get back to you as soon as possible.
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 18 2019
TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested.
π︎ 18k
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︎ Jul 08 2020
He's just following orders
π︎ 51
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︎ Sep 13 2020
Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and 2 huricanes...
Bartender says, βThat will be $20.20.β
π︎ 298
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︎ Aug 27 2020
What do you call the biggest size of soup you can order in restaurants?
π︎ 7
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︎ Sep 09 2020
Next time this will be my order in bar for this year
π︎ 14
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︎ Aug 24 2020
I tried to order a table from IKEA, but I misplaced an umlaut in my search text. I got a couch instead.
π︎ 24
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︎ Sep 18 2020
A neutron goes up to the bar and orders a drink.
When asking the bartender how much it costs they reply βFor you? No charge.β
π︎ 12
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︎ Sep 11 2020
The butcher kept getting my order wrong. He gave me a porterhouse instead of a filet mignon!
He said it was a mis-steak.
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 24 2020
Hey r/subway, subway gave me the wrong order. What should I do?
π︎ 22
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︎ Sep 17 2020
A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink
The bartender says βSorry we donβt serve food here.β
π︎ 43
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︎ Aug 25 2020
We ordered some mail-order chickens a few months ago. Today, one of my housemates said it's looking like one of them is turning out to be a rooster.
I'm like, "Well see, we shoulda gotten female-order chickens instead, that's our problem right there. We're lucky the rest didn't turn out to be roosters too!"
This was an honest-to-god real conversation I just had with my housemate earlier tonight. :)
π︎ 11
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︎ Sep 02 2020
My uncle is really good at fishing. He always knows exactly what kind of worm to put on his fishing hook, in order to catch the desired kind of fish.
One might say he is a master baiter.
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 18 2020
So the customer asks the chef if anyone orders steak raw and the waiter replied βyeh but thatβs rareβ
π︎ 20
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︎ Aug 22 2020
After a long day I want to take a dump as soon as I get home, but it's not my first order of business.
π︎ 53
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︎ Sep 06 2020
The order for this countertop has no address
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 16 2020
How does Chipotle' inform their customers that their order is ready?
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 16 2020
What did the cannibal order at a restaurant?
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 28 2020
Auditoriums are specially designed so that sound will bounce around the walls and ceiling in order to be projected to the audience. However, if you place a pigeon on the stage, the coo of said pigeon will not bounce.
This is because of a-coo-sticks.
π︎ 160
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︎ Jul 17 2020
A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink
The bartender asks him how will he be paying. The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill"
π︎ 5
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︎ Jul 09 2020
A horse enters a bar and orders a drink.
When heβs finished, the barkeep asks if he wants another. The horse replies, βI donβt think I do...β and vanished from existence.
To get the joke, you need to know Rene Descartesβ theory βI think, therefore I am.β But if I explained that before the joke, I would be putting Descartes before de horse.
<Staring into the crowd like Fozzie Bear>
... Iβll show myself out.
π︎ 11
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︎ Jul 24 2020
Whatβs Lightning McQueenβs favorite takeout order?
π︎ 16
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︎ Aug 15 2020
I applied for a job as a short order cook...
...but I didnβt get the job. They said I was too tall.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jul 21 2020
A tall order
π︎ 51
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︎ Jul 08 2020
God, they are invading us: we need LAW & ORDER!!!
π︎ 27
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︎ Jun 16 2020
I donβt care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy Iβve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
π︎ 13
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︎ Jul 23 2020
What did the ninja delivery boy say to the office manager when he was delivering an unexpected order of pens, pencils, and paper goods?
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 19 2020
I told my wife I was going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order. She said "Where would you find the time ?"
I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"
π︎ 19
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︎ Jul 22 2020
Help! I started arranging them by artist but that wasnβt right. Then by title, but that wasnβt right either. Nor by colour. Nor alphabetically by first track title. Finally, I arranged them by number of tracks, but I just couldnβt get them in the right order. So I got rid of them all. Do I have 0CD?
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 12 2020
You would expect A Queue to go in order
but it skips b c d e f g h I j k l m n o and p
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 05 2020
How does the computer programmer order all her books?
By the Dewey Hexadecimal System!
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 03 2020
I must have 10 New Order records but I only ever seem to play one of them.
I have a serious Substance abuse problem
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 31 2020
A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips.
The barman replies βsorry mate we only do plainβ
π︎ 10
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︎ Jul 28 2020
In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, Iβve been dancing in public while insulting people.
I practice social diss dancing.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jul 24 2020
My wife just gave me a restraining order..
Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander....
π︎ 54
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︎ Jun 08 2020
What does a pirate order in a Vietnamese bar
Pho Hoe Hoe and a bottle of rum
π︎ 15
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︎ Jul 12 2020
God, they are invading us: we need LAW & ORDER!!!
π︎ 7
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︎ Jun 16 2020
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...
Looks like the boa cons tricked her...
π︎ 104
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︎ May 13 2020
What did the russian author order for breakfast?
π︎ 3
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︎ Jun 25 2020
Whenever my friend smells, he says things in the wrong order.
He's got a terrible case of body Yoda
π︎ 28
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︎ Jun 09 2020
How does Cyndi Lauper order her spices?
π︎ 38
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︎ Jun 04 2020
A mathematical analysis is in order....
π︎ 12
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︎ May 27 2020
An beautiful woman orders a turkey sandwich at a deli, with pickles on the side. The guy behind the counter looks at her and says, "You like big pickles?" and winks. As he slides her a pastrami sandwich she looks at him, smiles, licks her lips and says
π︎ 671
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︎ Feb 04 2020
Went to my butchers for my dinner but he gave me the wrong order
π︎ 10
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︎ May 17 2020
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000.
Mario: Why?
Judge: It's a fine.
Mario: No, itsa not.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 12 2020
Sir, why aren't you eating dat order?
Because of eating disorder.
π︎ 3
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︎ May 17 2020
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said alphabetically or by age
π︎ 41
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︎ Apr 24 2020
So we were at a mcdonald's and they got my dad's order wrong 5 times.
Dad goes "Get me your mcfucking manager."
π︎ 4
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︎ Jun 08 2020
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
π︎ 48
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︎ Mar 13 2020
A guy came into the bar to order a glass of Coca-Cola's first diet drink, saying to put it on his bill.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jun 04 2020
What drink does a frog order at the bar?
π︎ 13
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︎ May 17 2020
I was fired from Jimmy Johns because I kept mixing up peopleβs orders.
π︎ 17
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︎ Apr 10 2020
You can order bathroom fixtures online and have someone at you door in a couple days ready to install it,
π︎ 5
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︎ May 25 2020
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.
Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
π︎ 528
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︎ Dec 12 2019
Judge: Order in the court!
Me: I'll have a cheeseburger and fries
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 10 2020
A man walks into the pizza shop and orders a pizza. The worker asked if he wanted it cut into 4 pieces or 6 pieces.
The man said 4 because he probably wasnβt going to eat 6.
π︎ 2
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︎ May 19 2020
Some reorganization is definitely in order for me.
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 08 2020
I thought we're supposed to isolate in order to "flatten the curve,"
but I'm only getting fatter.
-My dad
π︎ 16
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︎ Mar 24 2020
A queen ant's job is to keep order in the colony...
π︎ 6
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︎ May 11 2020
two cops go around the block and see if everything is in order...
one of them says "look, there's a dead bird!"
the other looks up into the sky
"where?"
π︎ 2
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︎ May 22 2020
If cows donβt have Internet, how do they order things?
π︎ 76
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︎ Feb 14 2020
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: Iβll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say βwaiter thereβs a hare in my soupβ after I bring it
...
DAD: Iβll have the chicken
π︎ 98
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︎ Feb 06 2020
What drink did the judge order?
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 12 2020
Where does Elsa order her sandwiches?
π︎ 50
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︎ Jan 06 2020
My wife always orders her Indian food with the highest level of spiciness.
Sheβs very curry-ageous.
π︎ 15
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︎ Feb 23 2020
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, β oh thatβs just a freebie.β
π︎ 124
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︎ Jan 04 2020
Would you like your order fΓΌhrer or to go?
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 19 2020
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 15 2020
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order: 456123?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
π︎ 384
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︎ Oct 16 2019
What did the mathematician order at the Spanish restaurant?
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 02 2020
Congratulations are in order
π︎ 40
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︎ Jan 06 2020
I just saw a Buddhist order a hot dog.
He said, "Make me one with everything. "
π︎ 42
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︎ Jan 10 2020
I'm concerned people aren't staying in and taking the whole stay at home order seriously
Car dealerships have more cars in their lots than ever!
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 26 2020
I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.
π︎ 9
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︎ Feb 13 2020
A man orders soup at a restaurant
He orders turtle soup, the waiter takes his order and starts to walk off. The main suddenly sees his favourite pea soup and calls back the waiter. The man says "Waiter im terrible sorry but would you mind holding the turtle and make it pea?"
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 15 2020
Don't order the carat cake at a jewlers' convention
The quality is excellent, but the serving size is only 0.2 grams
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 24 2020
Since the government's instituted shelter-in-place orders, lions have been roaming main street...
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 21 2020
Whenever I find a difficult level on a game I give up and go search for a walkthrough in order to clear it.
I really should get past this phase.
π︎ 11
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︎ Feb 19 2020
A guy walks into a bar and orders a Corona and two hurricanes
The bartender says, βthatβll be $20.20β
π︎ 200
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︎ Aug 23 2020
A man walks into a bar, orders Corona and 2 hurricanes
Bartenders says, βThatβll be $20.20β
π︎ 28
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︎ Aug 23 2020
Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and two Hurricanes.
Bartender says, βThatβll be $20.20.β
π︎ 21
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︎ Aug 24 2020
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says " sorry, we don't serve food here!"
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 14 2020
A man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and two hurricanes
Bartender says, "Buddy, don't you think you've had enough of those today?"
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 24 2020
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks, "How much?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"
π︎ 41
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︎ May 29 2020
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
π︎ 90
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︎ May 04 2020
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. The bartender says...
"Sorry we donβt serve food here."
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 04 2020
Sir, why aren't you eating dat order?
Because of eating disorder.
π︎ 9
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︎ May 17 2020
I told my wife that Iβm going to arrange all the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.
She said, βWhere would you find the time?β
I said, βEasy. Right next to the sage.β
π︎ 29
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︎ Apr 10 2020
Judge to Mario... I order you to pay Β£10000
Mario: Why?
Judge: It's a fine
Mario: (Sadly) No its a not
π︎ 11
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︎ Feb 15 2020
A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
π︎ 32
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︎ Feb 11 2020
I told my wife, βIβm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.β
She said, βWhere would you find the time?β
I said, βThat should be easy. Next to the sage.β
π︎ 8k
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︎ Dec 07 2018
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