Was in my local gardening centre looking at outdoor floor boards when the owner asked me if I wanted decking?
Luckily I got the first punch in.
I went to B&Q the other day; the shop attendant asked me if i wanted decking
So i turned round and punched him first.
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
The only deck of cards we have at home have all the aces missing...
I don't know how to deal with this.
My friend couldn't figure out why he kept getting wet on his deck when it rained. Turns out he wasn't standing under the awning.
I own a XXL deck of cards
I'm a big deal around here.
Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..
You keeled my father. Prepare two die.
*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?
^(What a freaking professional)
The only gift I got for Christmas was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with this.
Well, I decked the Halls today...
They kept coming over singing those damn Christmas carols. Bah humbug!
My dog pooped on the deck yesterday and now it's all hard.
Which card in a deck can fix your dog?
How does a deck of cards get around?
It shuffles.
(a true dad joke, from my 9-year old)
A pirate walks in a bar with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch
The bar tender says “wow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks “and the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds “well we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, “ok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds “I was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull shit right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says “that made you lose your eye?” “No” says the pirate “it was my first day with the hook!”
Anyone I ever dated was impressed when I told them I liked to relax on my poop deck.
They were always disappointed when I showed them it was just a regular deck with dog poop on it.
I got locked in a room with a deck of cards.
I was in solitaire confinement.
A pirate walk into a bar
The bartender comes to him and says 'you look different now, is anything wrong'
Pirate: 'Oh nothing'
'What about your leg, where did it go'
'I boarded a ship, slipped and it got eaten by a shark'
'What about the hook, where did the hand go'
'I lost it in a heated swordfight'
'Then how did you get the eyepatch'
'I was cleaning the deck and a bird pooped in it'
'That doesn't make any sense, how can you get an eyepatch from a bird pooping in your eye'
'It was my first day with the hook'
Why can't the pirate play Magic the gathering?
Because he is sitting in his deck
Reposting a deck.
https://preview.redd.it/6fjp1ey3av951.jpg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5f316e956e212e100c3fe44cbaef56333f1c2c9a
Where did Noah keep his bees?
I woke up on an island, just me and a deck of cards.
So far, I’m not a big fan of solitairy confinement
I was sitting on the deck with my son. My neighbor walked by and asked “Are you babysitting?”
I said “No, I’m dad sitting.”
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote “Ant” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
What do you call someone who commits a murder with a deck of cards that only has clubs, spades, and diamonds?
Me : "Doctor Doctor, I feel like a deck of cards"
Doctor : "Sit down, I'll deal with you later"
Marriage is like a deck of cards
It starts with Hearts and Diamonds and ends with a Club and a Spade
I called the casino to ask why the used card decks I ordered were still undelivered.
They assured me they were dealing with it.
I got into a fight with an employee at my local hardware store today!
He asked if I wanted decking...
Lucky I got the first punch in
Why couldn't the sailor play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck!
I once played poker with a deck of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died.
How does a pirate clean cards?
A pirate walks into a bar and it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.
A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
short-funny.com/best-puns…
All I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with this.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m finding it hard to deal with this.
A man bursts into his therapist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looked up from his paperwork and said, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
A patient bursts into his therapist's office and shouts, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I'm trapped in a deck of cards!"
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
A therapist was with a client when another client burst in and said, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep having a nightmare that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards."
The therapist looked at him calmly and said, "I'm with another client. I'll deal with you later."
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find it extremely difficult to deal with.
I got locked in a room with nothing but a deck of cards.
I was in solitaire confinement.
The only gift I got for my birthday is a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.
The only birthday gift I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I accidentally locked myself in a room with nothing but a deck of cards..
I was in solitaire confinement.
For my birthday, all I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very difficult to deal with.
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