I'm closely watching how this contested election affects the volatility of the stock markets.
I call it the "Al Gore Rhythm" method.
What do you call it when Trump gets the majority of delegates and still loses the nomination from a contested convention?
First Dad Joke today- I stuck a beer cap to my head and said I was a magnet. My boys contested that I, in fact, am not a magnet. I said are you sure...
A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef
A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef. He invites 3 renowned chefs from all over the kingdom to serve him and the favorite will become the new royal chef!
The first chef serves the king an enormous rack of ribs. "Very impressive," said the king.
The second chef serves a huge steak, cooked to perfection. "So satisfying," said the king.
The third chef gives the king a plate with small rocks on a bed of shredded cabbage. "What the hell is this," the king asks.
The third chef says, "These rocks fell from the sky into my back yard. Indeed, ribs and steak are very meaty, but asteroids are meteor!"
I entered 10 puns in a joke contest. I figured one of them would win...
I was in a contest where you lost if you talked.
It was quite the competion, to say the least.
I'm thinking about cosplaying as Junkrat for a cosplay contest...
But it'd cost me an arm and a leg.
I entered a seasoning contest and got first place.
The judges said my entry was the best of all thyme.
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
A woman entered an online pun contest. She submitted ten different puns in the hope that at least one would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
My friend entered a contest to win a trip to a city on the French Riviera. He didn't win...
I once finished runner-up in a Fidel Castro look-a-like contest.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
The competitive painting contest was an abject failure
What did John Mcenroe say when he was disqualified from the chese eating contest
A son tells his Dad he wants to win the limbo contest at his school...
His dad says, "That's a pretty low bar."
I'm going on a quiz show! There are lots of other contestants, but they're all grizzlies and polars. It's called...
Who wants to beat a million bears.
The Biggest Loser’s contestant talking about his opponent:
“I’m not worried about her, she is a lightweight.”
I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!
Have you ever wondered why the winner of all the Miss Universe contest...
...always came from Earth ?
I struggled hard in the bodybuilding contest.
Turns out, I've got atrophy
Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says
My cat got 10/10 points at a beauty contest
I've just made a list of the top 10 dad jokes I know. The first 9 are alright but the last one is absoutely briliant.
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- absoutely briliant
I've just entered the neighborhoods tightest hat contest..
I was all ready to host a limbo contest, but then I found out that someone stole my special limbo bar.
I mean, how low can you go?
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre
One of the local radio stations had a "Worst Pun" contest.
The best part was you could submit multiple entries, and I sent in a bunch, at least 10. I figured the more I came up with, one of them had to win.
But, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
If he won't talk I guess it's just a stairing contest
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
Did you hear about all the competition in the outdoor pickled cabbage contest?
Winning a German sausage eating contest is all about your mind set
You hope for the best, but prepare for the wurst
“Judge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus!”
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Ok. I want to contest half of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus.
A male dog and a female dog are having a pissing contest, which one will win?
Obviously the male dog because he has the-leg-up.
I entered a pun contest once
You had to send in your best puns, via snail mail, in an orderly list. I sent ten in, thinking at least one would win me a prize, but no pun in ten did.
Pet store
A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.
Two artists had an art contest. How did it end?
I was winning in a staring contest once...
and it was all taken away in the blink of an eye.
I came second in a dumpling eating contest...
...you dim sum, you lose some.
I sent 10 puns to a pun contest, hoping one would win
I entered a pooping contest once
Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says
I entered 10 puns in a contest hoping one would win.
I entered ten puns into a contest.
I hoped one would win, but no pun in ten did.
A man entered a pun contest and said ten pins, hoping one would win...
Unfortunately no pun intended
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
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