I'm closely watching how this contested election affects the volatility of the stock markets.

I call it the "Al Gore Rhythm" method.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickShaw530
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when Trump gets the majority of delegates and still loses the nomination from a contested convention?

Unpresidented.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vetokend
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2016
🚨︎ report
First Dad Joke today- I stuck a beer cap to my head and said I was a magnet. My boys contested that I, in fact, am not a magnet. I said are you sure...

I am very attractive...

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LiquidRitz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
🚨︎ report
A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef

A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef. He invites 3 renowned chefs from all over the kingdom to serve him and the favorite will become the new royal chef!

The first chef serves the king an enormous rack of ribs. "Very impressive," said the king.

The second chef serves a huge steak, cooked to perfection. "So satisfying," said the king.

The third chef gives the king a plate with small rocks on a bed of shredded cabbage. "What the hell is this," the king asks.

The third chef says, "These rocks fell from the sky into my back yard. Indeed, ribs and steak are very meaty, but asteroids are meteor!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ppardee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I entered 10 puns in a joke contest. I figured one of them would win...

But no pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 212
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I was in a contest where you lost if you talked.

It was quite the competion, to say the least.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carts614
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking about cosplaying as Junkrat for a cosplay contest...

But it'd cost me an arm and a leg.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fr0st_mite
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I entered a seasoning contest and got first place.

The judges said my entry was the best of all thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kngfbng
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman entered an online pun contest. She submitted ten different puns in the hope that at least one would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolf_taylor
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend entered a contest to win a trip to a city on the French Riviera. He didn't win...

It was a Nice try tho.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I once finished runner-up in a Fidel Castro look-a-like contest.

Close, but no cigar.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TehIrishSoap
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....

Lord of the Wrings.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The competitive painting contest was an abject failure

as it ended in a draw.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What did John Mcenroe say when he was disqualified from the chese eating contest

You cannot brie serious

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barrybilly2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A son tells his Dad he wants to win the limbo contest at his school...

His dad says, "That's a pretty low bar."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kellzone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm going on a quiz show! There are lots of other contestants, but they're all grizzlies and polars. It's called...

Who wants to beat a million bears.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The Biggest Loser’s contestant talking about his opponent:

β€œI’m not worried about her, she is a lightweight.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afarro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you ever wondered why the winner of all the Miss Universe contest...

...always came from Earth ?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I struggled hard in the bodybuilding contest.

Turns out, I've got atrophy

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Masked_Death
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says

"Well prayed"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My cat got 10/10 points at a beauty contest

Purrfection

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomenmeta
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I've just made a list of the top 10 dad jokes I know. The first 9 are alright but the last one is absoutely briliant.
  1. alright
  2. alright
  3. alright
  4. alright
  5. alright
  6. alright
  7. alright
  8. alright
  9. alright
  10. absoutely briliant
πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skycam3014
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I've just entered the neighborhoods tightest hat contest..

..hope I pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I was all ready to host a limbo contest, but then I found out that someone stole my special limbo bar.

I mean, how low can you go?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.

They were quite MEADiocre

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashnakag3019
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
One of the local radio stations had a "Worst Pun" contest.

The best part was you could submit multiple entries, and I sent in a bunch, at least 10. I figured the more I came up with, one of them had to win.

But, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
If he won't talk I guess it's just a stairing contest
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thorvals
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated

I guess you could say the steaks were high

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ife2105
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about all the competition in the outdoor pickled cabbage contest?

It was a krauted field.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/citrusguy9
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Winning a German sausage eating contest is all about your mind set

You hope for the best, but prepare for the wurst

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ali_whi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œJudge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. I want to contest half of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I won a crying contest.

It was a weepstakes!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A male dog and a female dog are having a pissing contest, which one will win?

Obviously the male dog because he has the-leg-up.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/W00D-CHUCK
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I entered a pun contest once

You had to send in your best puns, via snail mail, in an orderly list. I sent ten in, thinking at least one would win me a prize, but no pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 296
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AcidBathVampire
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Pet store

A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spinnaker190
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Two artists had an art contest. How did it end?

It ended in a draw.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/entangled_dicks
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I was winning in a staring contest once...

and it was all taken away in the blink of an eye.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/richy923
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I came second in a dumpling eating contest...

...you dim sum, you lose some.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I sent 10 puns to a pun contest, hoping one would win

But no pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VisualEyez33
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I entered a pooping contest once

I got turd place

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JLA1984
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says

"Well prayed"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I entered 10 puns in a contest hoping one would win.

No pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 447
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I entered ten puns into a contest.

I hoped one would win, but no pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pasd84
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A man entered a pun contest and said ten pins, hoping one would win...

Unfortunately no pun intended

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ducks_ARE_real
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œJudge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!

πŸ‘︎ 936
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report

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