How do you feel about canned food?

Personally, I'd give it an ate out of tin.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bslavens
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I just ate the complimentary food at a hotel, now I can't stop sharting

Guess they should call it incontinental breakfast

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/duckbeachdog
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My 9 month pregnant wife is ready to have our child any day now, but they just won’t come. She’s tried everything she can at this point. Sex, walking, dancing, spicy foods, etc... So when I asked her what I could do to help she said β€œany means necessary.”

To which I replied β€œNo it doesn’t.”

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshStartGo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Can dogs stand spicy foods?

...or will they sit down?

From my 11 year old. So proud haha.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrDadJoke99
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I can’t even stop that pointy eared tree mouse from stealing my food

It’s safe to say I hate mice elf

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jcbrnld
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my son, "Have you heard that they're shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can't eat?"

"Canteens?" he asked.

"No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 242
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother thinks he's the smartest person alive. He thinks onions are the only foods that can make you cry.

So I threw a coconut at him.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
"What can you offer this restaraunt as the new food runner?"

"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iwrestledmeonce
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A man should always carry a knife. It can cut your food, open beer bottles, be a screwdriver, or even be used as a toothpick. It works great for cleaning your fingernails, and it's quite useful in an emergency situation

like when you have to change someone's mind.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Oman! You’re about to read some terrible stuff.

β€œI live in Spain without the β€˜s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the β€œBah”.

  1. I have a double China without the β€œa”.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the β€œan”.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the β€œJ”.

  5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the β€œKu”.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the β€œNe”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the β€œDen”, of course.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/anipanreads
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Grocery store lettuce know we can leaf with safe food
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ucchan801
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can't blind people eat ocean fish?

Because it's see-food!

my 11 year old daughter ran in here while cooking greens and dropped that knowledge on us. I couldn't be more proud lol.

edit: just wanted to let those of you who have is awards that I appreciate it! I told my daughter about them and she asked if she can keep telling jokes for me to put on here lol. should get fairly interesting.

thanks all. I hope you had a great turkey gobble day

πŸ‘︎ 153
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberrich
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Babies can't even have food on their own

They suck a tit

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/that-dankguy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What kinda food can a shark get cavities from?

SWEDISH FISH!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashtehstampede
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Security Guard: You can’t bring outside food in here.

Me: it’s a service burrito.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dohpaz42
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
LPT: If your girlfriend can cook spicy Chinese food, marry her.

Because Schezwan of a kind.

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I was having dinner with two Pastors once.

I couldn't reach the food, so I said, "Excuse me Pastor, can you pass the pasta past the Pastor?"

(This actually happened, but it was kind of a letdown - they both just looked at me blankly, then resumed eating.)

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Any good food puns related to sex?

Things that we can say about food that sounds very sexual? Any ideas welcome!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/morcille
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.

She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/obrainless
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
If your girlfriend can cook good Chinese food, you’d better marry her...

Szechuan of a kind!

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/downonthestreet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My kid at their grad celebration: β€œI can’t believe all the food is already gone!”

Me: aren’t you β€œgrad-u-ate” before we came here?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LukeHezlyn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Spent all day rinsing several palates of damaged Coca-Cola cans at the food bank today. The stuff at the bottom was ... gross. At home mom asked what we did.

We sorted sorta sordid sodas.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/welloveramillion
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I Can't Eat Mediterranean Food

It makes me Falafel

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/almondjoyeee
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Food preservers do it when they can
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/who_body
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife: Do you like the food I made? Me: Yes. Wife: You can always give me feedback...

Me: (In high pitch voice) EEeeeeeeOOoooooooo!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/seventhlaw
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the one food you can't share?

Nachoes .

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Lazy-Lemur
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can't hyenas bring their food back to their dens before they eat it?

It'd be too much carrion'

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rhedkiex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I can't believe I accidentally drank food coloring.

The doctor says I'll be fine, but it feels like I dyed a little on the inside.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fukhed69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
What kind of food can go to church?

Perishable food

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TimHP
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife just told me that you can strain curdled milk, then use the resulting liquid as a food additive! I was like, "no way!"

She said, "whey!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
🚨︎ report
After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the desert menu.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.

"Certainly," he replied.

I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"

πŸ‘︎ 145
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his β€œpromposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Reddit, what are some of the punniest things you can say about food?

Go ahead and dish it out, nothing is too cheesy for me.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lifesucksatlife
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2012
🚨︎ report
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 143
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are stranded on desert island.

Whilst gathering food, they find a magical golden lamp. The Englishman says β€œrub the lamp!” They do, and a genie appears. β€œI only have three wishes to offer,” he says, β€œso I’ll give you one wish each.

The Englishman says, β€œI’d like to be living in a penthouse in London with Β£1,000,000 in my bank account.” His wish is granted.

The Scotsman says β€œI’d love to live in a renovated Scottish castle with Β£2,000,000 in my bank account.” His wish is granted.

The genie then turns to the Irishman: β€œAnd what do you wish for?” The Irishman says to the genie, β€œIt’s getting a bit lonely here, can I have the other two back?”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LTAD2108
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to write a story about a man who wants to be the best Chinese food chef. But he needs to get his life together so he can focus.

I'll call it "Wonton Distraction."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/adez23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2016
🚨︎ report
A woman asks her husband in the morning regarding breakfast.......

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
ALWAYS read the label!

Jake returns home after a long days work, finds the cupboards bare and thinks "that's strange we went shopping this week". He goes to the garbage can to find jars of peanut butter, yogurt, pill bottles, assorted food they've just bought discarded. He asks "Honey why is all the food in the garbage?" he finds her watching TV in the living room she says "Roger is dead", stunned he runs to the backyard to find their pet seal dead. He runs inside shocked and says "wow that's terrible, but why did you throw out all the food?!" she replies "They containers all said DO NOT USE IF SEAL IS BROKEN".

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ph00p
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What's Russia favourite streaming platform?

Nyetflix.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/conormatthews98
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A young man worked at a carpet selling business

A young man worked at a carpet selling business and one day his boss came up to him and said:
"We have been impressed with how you sell the products. We're going to send you to a carpeting convention in Las Vegas so you can learn all the tricks of the trade. We will pay for your flights, accommodation, and all your food!"
The young man was excited and went and got ready for his trip. The day of the trip came and the young man's boss called and asked him if he was excited for his adventure to which the young man replied:
"Yes I am! I'm gonna seize the day because I've got a carpet per diem"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/esjay_
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad joked by my toddler....a proud day

Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons.

Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly.

As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?"

To which my son replies, "No..like twotons"

My son's first joke and it's a dad joke...i'm just so proud lol....

πŸ‘︎ 238
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jaheiner
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Pun Request!!!

Hey all! I'm writing a play for my third grade class all about healthy habits and it's full of TV parodies. One show is Game of Thrones. For example, one character is Jon Snowpea. Can you guys help me come up with some food or exercise puns for the full title of Danaerys: Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name,Β The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regent of the Seven Kingdoms,Β Breaker of ChainsΒ andΒ Mother of Dragons”. Thanks!!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AllieBallie22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Oman! You’re about to read some terrible stuff.

β€œI live in Spain without the β€˜s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the β€œBah”.

  1. I have a double China without the β€œa”.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the β€œan”.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the β€œJ”.

  5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the β€œKu”.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the β€œNe”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the β€œDen”, of course.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/anipanreads
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.