I got booted off stage at a Karaoke bar. I was trying to sing 'Danger Zone' from that Top Gun movie. I forgot the lyrics three times.

They said I exceeded my Loggins attempts.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slartibartfastBB
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Got booted out of a Dollar General store today.

I asked for something specific.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnny_dam_aged
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?

He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lurking_digger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
🚨︎ report
I caught my dog chewing on my boots.

I guess he has really good taste in footwear.

πŸ‘︎ 180
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IrateScientist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Im quivering in my boots
πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bloodywolfeyes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people told their dad that Dora has a visual impairment and that Boots and the viewers were her eyes. Then the father bought them Dora-themed gifts for Christmas.

And then someone commented "They must've thought you were a-Dora-ble.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

πŸ‘︎ 25k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amalgamxtc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
A friend decided to gift me the boots I’ve been drooling over

They weren’t the color I wanted, but beggars can’t be shoes-y.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/serialcompliment
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I was in a bar in Texas, when a man walks in wearing a paper cowboy hat, a paper shirt, paper jeans,paper chaps and paper boots.

Anyway, the sheriff burst in and arrested him for rustling.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Teslegs Roadstar.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatincomingvirus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my boss, β€œSorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œHey Watson, is that mud on your boots?”

β€œNo, shit, Sherlock.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do you send your boots when they've been misbehaving?

Boot camp

Edit, "boot camp didn't work out so the boots went on a sole searching adventure."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PantsHelpMe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Apple bottom jeans boots with the purr
πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RajuNeupane
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
During lockdown I discovered that there are only 3 shops I need: Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ugpom
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A man enters a bar....

A man dressed in rubber boots, orange overalls, yellow hard hat with a light on, blacked up face and a canary on his shoulder walks into a pub. The whole pub goes silent and everyone stares at him for a few seconds then carries on what they were doing. It was only a miner distraction.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bob9109
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My Dad and the Home Depot Bucket.

When I was 15 there was a Home Depot bucket next to the front door for a while. One night I was watching tv with my mom. She was laying on the couch and I was laying on the floor.

My dad got home from work and as he was taking off his boots he asked β€œHey, where did that Home Depot bucket come from?” And without skipping a beat I said β€œI don’t know. Home Depot?” My mom laughed so hard and my dad was pissed. I got grounded for a week for β€œbeing a smart ass”.

I’m now 26 and to this day when my dad and I go to Home Depot I always chuckle and point to the buckets and ask β€œHey dad, where do you think those come from.”

On one of these trips I picked one up and was examining it when my dad asked me what I was looking for. I turned the bucket upside down and said β€œWell would you look at that dad. They’re from Lowe’s.” I thought he was gonna knock my ass out right there.

TLDR: My dad: β€œWhere did that Home Depot bucket come from?” Me: β€œI don’t know. Home Depot?”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malfoy1743
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Cowboy Boots

A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked him if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me for mah services before."

"Don't be flattered," she said. "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A conversation I had with my stepkids

8-year-old: "Dad, did you know that Humpty Dumpty and Puss in Boots are brothers?"

me: "You know being Humpty Dumpty's brother is not all it's cracked up to be?"

everyone: silence

me: "Give me a break, I am new to this dad joke thing."

teenager: Cracks up

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/withouta3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My buddy John gave his size 13 boots to his little brother, Phil. Problem is, Phil wears size 9.

John left large shoes to Phil.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lameguy13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
So, I went in to boots and asked for some benylin.

"For cough" She growled. "Alright love, I only asked." I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What is made of leather, a foot long and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HydrosFear
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œI love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. β€œAll you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. β€œWhat did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

β€œYou herd me!"

πŸ‘︎ 781
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was there a dead calf in the boot of a Germans car?

It’s his spare veal

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cormac-Dockry
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't feel sexy when she wears snakeskin boots.

It's a reptile dysfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InterwebWeasel
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you after an Apple turns bad?

You open windows.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Di_Ma_Re_Bra
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Windows
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Atg2411
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Android crashes on boot when running from SD card
πŸ‘︎ 945
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheJackHughman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2017
🚨︎ report
I tried to bargain the walking boots down to $5 for the pair.

The shop owner told me to take a hike.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Black shoes and boots are made out of

Carbon dyed ox hide.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are Canadians so good at picking out shoes?

They know what it's all a-boot. Eh.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I kicked my boot off a cliff today.

It was an assisted shoe-icide

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tricky_Nick007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to army boot camp and I got in trouble for skipping camouflage training

The instructor said he'd never even seen me in the classroom.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nonions
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Mommy tomato, daddy tomato, and baby tomato were all out for a leisurely Sunday stroll

They walked through the flower gardens at the park. They skimmed stones across the lake. They fed the ducks bread.

It was a perfect Sunday.

Then daddy tomato had a call that his brother was in hospital. Across the road was a bus destined for that very place.

They ran back through the park dodging ducks and tripping on stones and getting tangled in foliage. Baby tomato was starting to lag a little. So daddy tomato, in a panic, shot glances at the arriving bus and his helpless offspring. He Ran to his son and with all his might squashed him into the pavement with his Dr Martins boots and said

"Ketchup"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My father pointed at these boots at the store today and told me 'they're half off'. Thought this deserved to be here.
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thicc_boi37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Holmes: "Is that mud on your boots?" Watson: "No, shit, Sherlock"

Holmes: "Is that comforter on your bed?" Watson: "No, sheet, Sherlock"

Holmes: "Is that a long note on your desk?" Watson: "No, chit, Sherlock"

Holmes: "Is that your residence?" Watson: "No, shed, Sherlock"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
When my father left to buy cigarettes ten years ago, he forgot to put on his size 14 boots, and I'm keeping them because of the sentimental value.

That's why I'm still carrying around these huge daddy-shoes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djknutbanan
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Double parked my boot. It got toe-d
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Armyman365
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
🚨︎ report
A jewish pastor becomes a missionary...

...and ends up on the Island of Trid. The people there are starving and explain to the pastor that it’s because whenever they try to harvest the fruit at the top of the mountain, the nasty giant comes out of his cave and boots them all back down the hill. This infuriates the pastor who then declares that tomorrow he will join them on their next attempt. The next day they all march up the mountain together, and sure enough, out comes the giant who proceeds to kick all of the locals back down the hill leaving only the new guy to gather fruit at his leisure. Finally, he stops and asks the giant, β€œWell, aren’t you going to knock me off the mountain?”. Shaking his head, the giant says, β€œSilly rabbi, kicks are for Trids”.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Ever have your kid come up with a better punchline than your original?

I went to ask my daughter:

Where do you park when you visit the moon?

(Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!)

But straight faced she replies:

Anywhere you can find space.

Then she grinned... (she knew what she was doing)... space dad. get it? in space....

Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
From r/softwaregore Oh it's definitely a large boot.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UselessScrapu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Glove and Boots | What is Pun? - 5:12 youtube.com/watch?v=RNta_…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MagnusRune
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I accidentally wore my Spanish friend’s rain boots instead of mine.

Turns out these boots are made for Joaquin.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you cross a shoe with a tent?

Boot camp!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DecIsMuchJuvenile
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I wish my girlfriend would quit obsessing over her new sheepskin boots!

Ugg!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
🚨︎ report

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