Belly Out Puns

She really saved my bacon.

The doctor asks: “When did you swallow it?”

“About 3 years ago.”

“Really? Why are you coming this late?!”

“Well… I lost my spare key.”

She gave me a mean look and said “I’M PREGNANT!”

And I said “Shame on you! You shouldn’t drink so much, you’ll hurt the baby!”

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Our 15 month old daughter was coughing at dinner and then spat out some phlegm and rubbed it all over her belly. My wife was disgusted so I turned to our daughter and said, "Why are you being so phlegm-boyant?"

My wife groaned and rolled her eyes.

Father "pats pregnant cousins belly": you're gonna make like a baby and head out?

We don't have any kids yet, though my husband - I believe, is prepared. It was after dinner he had this seafood concoction that contained rice, chicken, shrimp, and mussels. Anyway, he was super full afterwards and pushing hid belly out. The conversation went as follows:

Me: Full huh?

Hubby: yeah, (points to stomach) the shrimp is here, chicken here and rice here.

Me: What about the oysters (I don't eat seafood, please don't hate me)

Hubby: You mean mussels? (Proceeds to flex) All over!

Edit: hopefully spacing-posting on my phone.

I was a bit chubby for a few of my formative years and my Dad used to tell me that I had "Bootydoo"

The first time he told me this: Dad: It looks to me like you've got a case of Bootydoo. Me: What's bootydoo? Dad: It's when your belly sticks out further than your booty-do. Me: Daaaaaaaad!

Walking past him when out of the blue...

Dad: Hey timodachampo. What's that in front of you?

I look down and couldn't see anything.

Dad: Oh, it's just your belly.

I was in line at a store checking out and a kid says to his dad, "Look, there's camouflage Jelly Bellies!" And of course the dad responds, "I couldn't see them!" The kid definitely didn't get it and just goes about his business, but I am cracking up behind them in line. It was great.

Dunlap Disease:

Everytime we pass a fairly overweight person, he says:

Him: "Poor guy, he's got Dunlap's Disease. His belly done lapped over his pants."

Dicky-Do Disease:

Him: "Poor guy, he's got the Dicky-do Disease. His stomach pokes farther out than his dicky do."

My father-in-law, ladies and gents.

I'm home for the holidays so I was lying down in my room when suddenly my brother and father burst in! My brother is holding a tape measure.

They say "Hey, check out this new physics we've invented!" while my brother fiddles with the tape measure.

I looked up and with a mixture of horror and resignation I asked "What?"

"It's the principle of BELLYTIVITY!" while stretching the tape measure between their belly buttons.

Cackling they both ran out of the room.

I'm stuck here for five more weeks. I don't think I'm gonna make it.

Her breed was only supposed to have 2-3 per little, yet Pumpkin ended up squeezing out 7 of the little nuggets. So of course she had a lot of extra skin hanging from her belly. For the next 6 months, my dad took it upon himself to comment, "Oh Pumpkin, you look udderly ridiculous!" Followed by a hearty chuckle. Every. Time.

He would always look around to make sure at least one family member was there to appreciate this comedy gold. It got so bad that even the employees at his office begged him to stop.

But of course he did not, and will still bring it up every once in a while to this day.