Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.

wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SocialPerformer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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What animal do you want to be when you're cold?

A little 'otter

Joke by my grandpa

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeetball128
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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Animals should be treated kindness, respect and....

... a little bit of salt.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NZOC
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Dad: Son, what be a pirate's favorite restaurant? Son: Arrrrby's! Dad: Correct! And what be a pirate's favorite animal? Son: Arrrrmadillo! Dad: Right again! But what be a pirate's favorite body part? Son: Easy. The arrrrrm!

Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!

πŸ‘︎ 261
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wileydan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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The first animal to be mechanically milked must've been pumped.

I know it's an old joke, I'm just milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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Trying to fall asleep a few nights ago, I asked my wife, "If you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be?"

She said, "Cats. They check all my boxes." We let that sink in before we both started laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cartgladi8r
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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Designed these punny animals to be made into pins and stickers :)
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/otterly__adorable
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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Animals should be used to represent school subjects...

English should be a hawk, they have good eyes, and you need good eyes for reading. History should be bowhead whales since they’ve lived through more than anyone else. And finally, maths should be snakes, I hear they’re great Adders.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OriginalName172
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal

He was sick of me horsing around

πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hdeifh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder

Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.

"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."

"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."

The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."

πŸ‘︎ 262
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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What animal is not born yet but can also be an adult at the same time

Womb bat

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ol-CAt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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Thanks for calling the predatory animal lifting agency. We’ll be with you in a minute...

...Please hold the lion.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/J_Sphere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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What happens when Animals are being served on a plate?

They become animeals

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Death_Killer183
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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There is some important criteria for an animal to be classified as a grizzly...

if all of it applies to the animal, it fulfills the bear minimum

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marcoyolofrimig
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
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Damn! I hear his new album will be animal! imgur.com/h6G6k6P
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specky
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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She's a bitch but she makes up for it by being an animal in bed

God I love my dog

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2016
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If the Animal Kingdom was a dictatorship, why would a cow be named ruler?

Because cows have udder control.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cobbywriter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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Eons ago, a series of genetic mutations created a new species of winged animals, with the original animal being a pig.

Pigeons.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/davidisrussia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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What kind of animal would a semicolon be?

A comma comma comma chameleon.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevinh456
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2018
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My kid asked me, β€œDad, what are condoms used for?”

I said, β€œUsually to avoid answering questions like these.”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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Why can animal shelters be moved so quickly?

Because they only weigh one pound

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ironfist221
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Animals Being Jerks (x-post from /r/funny)
πŸ‘︎ 195
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paulathekoala59
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
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What's the best animal to be when you're cold?

A little otter.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/count-buttula
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
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What animal would you be if you were a tall thug?

A G-raffe

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpurEH
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2017
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Guy used to be in the army. Real good looking guy too. Blond hair, tall, blue eyes. But now tends to sick animals, helping to diagnose and treat them so they can get better.

He's a veteran Aryan.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/someredditorguy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2016
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How do I get into hunting?

I'm aiming for where to start. All of my resources are shot. I'm gunning to go soon. Please be a deer and let me know.

I've herd the animals go out with a bang.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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So I know of this mall that uses animal employees...

I was walking along the food court when I saw this one animal that was incredibly overdressed compared to the others. While most where in their uniform, this one was in a red and gold robe, and was strangely being followed by a bunch of Buddhist monks.

I asked one of the customers if it was an Alpaca Packer.

They said no.

It's the Deli Llama.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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I met a rancher who told me the apocalypse would soon be upon me.

Moments later an animal kissed me, that’s when I realized he’d said the Alpaca lips would soon be upon me.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hephsters
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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500 bricks on an airplane and one falls off. How many are left?

((To be played back and forth with a friend as questions and answers))

[499.]

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? [1. Open door. 2. Put elephant in. 3. Close door.]

What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? [1. Open door. 2. Remove elephant. 3. Put giraffe in. 4. Close door.]

All the animals attend a birthday party for the king of the jungle, except one. Who didn’t attend? [The giraffe. He’s still in the refrigerator.]

A girl swims across an alligator infested river, but safely makes it to the other side. How was that possible? [All the alligators were at the birthday party.]

The girls still dies though, how come? [The one brick from the airplane fell on her head.]

πŸ‘︎ 253
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaShMa_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2018
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Genies work differently than you think they do (long joke)

A man walks into a peculiar bar. There’s a small man no more than a foot tall playing the piano in the corner, men with horns and many other odd things. He noticed people huddled around a table. He walks up to the bartender and asks β€œwhat’s going on over there?” The bartender replies,” oh it’s a game, if you win a genie will grant you one wish”. β€œReally! Can I wish for anything!?” The Bartender says β€œyup just be specific and enunciate. Trust me” β€œHow do you play!?” The man asks excitedly β€œIt’s simple if you roll snake eyes you win. Everyone gets one chance and no more” The man runs over the the table and waits his turn. Once he gets up to the table he rolls snake eyes, he’s ecstatic. A genie appears over the table and says”you get one wish” The man is jumping up and down in excitement. He can hear the bartender saying something but ignores him and says”I want a million bucks!” The genie says”done” snaps his fingers and disappears. In that moment one million male deer, elk, antelope and other animals fill the bar spilling out into the street. After several minutes the stampede leaves the bar and the man says” what was that that wasn’t what I wanted!?” The bartender says β€œwhat did I say!? I told you to be specific and enunciate!” β€œOooh I see But how did you know that would happen” the man says β€œDo you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirOrville
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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A horse is sitting at home watching MTV

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatDekuTree3
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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My professor (who is, indeed, a dad) told me this this QUALITY joke.

A man in Australia took a train to the town of Mercy, where he heard there was a coffee shop that served drinks named after Australian animals. When he arrived, he decided to try the Koala Tea. He received his order quickly, which turned out to basically be a cup of hot water filled with whole eucalyptus leaves.

The man asked the barista, "Excuse me, there seems to be a lot of loose leaves in my tea."

The barista replied, "Yes, sir, the Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/exceedinglyhappy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
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My Dad's Favorite Joke

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoceros and once he gets going you cant stop him. Soon the first half is over and the score is 24-7. The second half begins and while in the huddle Rhinoceros looks over at B-Decks defensive line and sees Centipede on their defensive line. "Give me the ball," he says, "There aren't going to be any centipedes in the new world because I'm crushing this one right here and right now" The Center snaps the ball and the quarterback hands it off to Rhinoceros who begins charging down Centipede. Centipede rears up grabs Rhinoceros by the legs and SLAMS him to the deck. Ball pops loose, centipede grabs the ball. He's rushing down the field weaving in and out and TOUCHDOWN!!! The crowd goes wild! C-Deck's captain, Lion rushes over and says, "Centipede that was amazing! Where were you in the first half?" "Well I was lacing my shoes."

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobby_849
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What is the meaning of life?

According to the dictionary: "the existence of an individual human being or animal"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neudeu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A family goes to a zoo

They see a lot of animals such as giraffes, lions etc. Finally the come across a cage with alligators, next to them they see a sign that says there will be a show with the alligators later. They decide that they will come back later to see it. Before walking away dad glances at the alligators and says: "See you later alligator"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFearItself
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Story time!

A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.

Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.

Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.

Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.

Their home became a sort of an animal sanctuary, and Attila took care of all animals with love and passion. But, the family business was starting to suffer when his father the baker got ill.

Being the amazing young man he was, Attila stepped up and started learning secrets of the trade - he started baking like no one else.

But, since he devoted his time to the bakery, the animals were starting to be neglected. He tried feeding them, petting them, but nothing helped.

Slowly, one by one the animals passed away leaving behind only the most resistant ones - the snake and a few spiders.

The spiders were easy to take care of, but the snake wouldn't eat, no matter what. Saddened, Attila came to his mother and asked for advice as he was all out of ideas. Of course, being the caring mother she always was, she passed on her knowledge to Attila:

"This anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, Hun."

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeviantClam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
🚨︎ report
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.
πŸ‘︎ 23k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StewPaddasso
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal,

and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report

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