Don’t always draw conclusions
When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word.
I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French
I’m always Frank with my sexual partners
I don’t want them to know my real name.
My girlfriend said, “I’m sick of it. You are always pretending to be a Transformer!”
I said, “But wait, I can change!”
My twin sister always takes the stairs, but I prefer taking the elevator.
I guess.... we are raised differently.
I've always dreamed of an ocean filled entirely with orange soda.
Coming first isn't always good.
My dad always use to say ‘Two heads are better than one.'
A wonderful father.
Terrible surgeon.
I always knock when I open the fridge
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
No matter how stressful my day is, I always sleep like a baby.
I crap myself and wake up crying at least once each night.
My dad always said "as one door closes another one opens"
He never quite got the hang of assembling Ikea furniture.
I think i know why people always get angry if you call them average.
Because it is a mean thing to do.
When I was little my parents always have me alphabet soup claiming that I liked it but they were just...
...putting words in my mouth
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...
...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
Why do they always use thieves as the high speed units in RPGs?
Because they're so dodgy.
My wife is always accusing me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
I always try to avoid cracks in the pavement
This guy always makes vegetable puns, i wonder what's tomato with him
During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...
...that's where I finally had to draw the line.
When ducks are flying south, they fly in a V formation. But one side is always longer. Do you know why?
There's more ducks on that side.
(As told by my father)
Good Christians always wear masks when going nextdoor, for God hath said:
Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor's wife.
My parents would always feed me alphabet soup when I was younger and they’d insist that I liked it
But I didn’t! All they were doing was putting words in my mouth!
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
Martha had always listened to her parents when they said ‘stay away from fire’, but today, her interests got the best of her and she intentionally lit herself on fire just to see what it felt like.
Martha was burning with curiosity
Why do sinners always have such dirty shoes?
Because their soles are unclean.
I’ve always been disappointed Nike and Mountain Dew never did a collab
Always beleaf in yourself
You can always win a fight with a tree.
They're all bark and no bite.
Friends who always stick around
Why do birds always need to go to the doctor?
Because they constantly have the flew
I was always wondering why hammers fall down.
My dad always told me, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
She knows how to make a bad decision and still stick with it.
I dont always tell dad jokes
As a chubby guy, I always avoid wearing skinny jeans.
I find it extremely difficult to pull it off.
Why does Spider-Man always have such good comebacks?
Because, with great power comes great response ability
Why should you always measure a snake in inches?
Because they have no feet!
(Courtesy of Snake Discovery on YouTube)
Whenever someone asks me if I prefer maples, elms, or oaks, my response is always the same:
"It's not a poplar tree contest."
I don't always eat breakfast
But when I do, I prefer dos eggies 🍳🍳
My wife claims that vacuum cleaners are always better for cleaning than a brush.
I said, “That’s a sweeping generalization.”
My Italian friend always locks himself out of the house...
When my Dad gets drunk, he always tells stories about his prize chickens.
He sure loves his cock-tales.
People always ask me how i sneak chocolate into theatres
Well, lets just say, i have a few Twix up my sleeve
I’ve always hated washing my hands with hot water
But I’ve started warming up to it
Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly,
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
Elton John doesn’t always get high as a kite...
But when he does it’s zero hour 9 am
I always find myself getting drunk on planes even though I dont drink
Maybe its because I always get seated on the portside?
My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults...
Good man, terrible geologist...
Why is a minnow always the first suspect for a crime?
Because he's always a little fishy
I have always liked to browse the internet
Why do cannons always spit out their ammo?
Because if they swallowed, it'd be cannonballism.
What do you call an electric oven that always gets dirty?
Ghandi spent a lot of time walking through the desert, so his feet hurt and he was always thirsty and weak. It's also very hard to brush your teeth in the desert.
He was a super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis.
Why does Peter Pan always fly?
Because he can neverland.
It is always make me uncomfortable when people ask about my step-ladder...
... I never even knew my real ladder
Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?
I’ve always felt bad for the silverfish
Sure, I know they’re disgusting little bugs. But I started taking pity on the little guys after they only came in second in this poll of people’s favorite animals.
The winner, of course, was the goldfish.
My uncle always jokes that reaching the remote is middle aged yoga.
I say, Yoga?! Pff, that’s a stretch.
Harry potter had always been hesitant about telling lies when under the invisibility cloak
people always said that they could see right through him!
You should always try and solve your problems while standing...
Cause it helps you think on your feet.
I always start my day with makeup
It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
My dairy farmer friend is always complaining about how little money he makes.
I think he’s just milking it.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated.
I always wanted to follow my dear Dad as a commercial fisherman..
But his Net income always put me off.
Ya know, I really like the singer Sia, but I'm a bigger fan of the band that always closes her concerts
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
I always lie behind my wife's back and I hate it...
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
Once a king, always a king
But once a knight is too much for your mom
Freind: Why do I always lose at Scrabble?
Very poor choise of words
I had a friend in high school who was a foreign exchange student, and he always took mine and my friend’s e-cigarettes
We called him the international juul thief
If i’m scared to go on a flight, i always bring a bomb.
Because what’s the chance of being 2 bombs on 1 flight?
I always have nightmares when I go camping
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
I got a buddy that keeps getting kicked out of bars but he always comes back
I think there’s a special place in hell for my friend Dante, because he’s always trolling animal rights activists.
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing
In case I get a hole in one
As a dad of boys, poop is always a solid conversation topic.
Sometimes, not so solid, either.
Whatever you do always give 100 %.
Unless you are donating blood.
Why are cows always moOOOdy?
Because there's a lotta beef.
I always mean to watch the sunrise
But then I realize I’m just not up for it
What are butchers always starting fights?
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
Why should you always wear a condom when having sex with a member of the Dark Side?
I always knock before opening the fridge
Just in case there is a salad dressing
I Always Knock On The Fridge Door Before Opening It...
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
When I was little, my parents always fed me alphabet soup, claiming that I liked it, but they were just...
...putting words in my mouth.
I don’t always tell dad jokes
I always knock on my fridge before opening the door
Just in case there's a salad dressing
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
Why do you always know ask on the fridge before opening it?
Just in case there is a salad dressing.
I don’t always tell dad jokes
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