The doctor or nurse always ask me my date of birth.
I tell them November 1st
They ask what year?
I say “Every year”
We both do a quick obligation laugh
I’ve done this 20x, always the same reaction
Whatrestraunt is always full of white people?
Why does Willem Dafoe always play villians?
If he played a good guy, he'd be Willem Dafriend.
My daughter just got me good… I said, “Did you know you can always see your own nose and your brain just ignores it?”
She said “yeah because it NOSE it’s there”
Why do hipsters always burn their mouths eating pizza?
They got into it before it was cool.
I've decided to quit my job as a Personal Trainer, I'm always feeling drained, and just not physically up to it..
So I've just handed in my too weak notice..
My granddad always used to say, "as one door closes another one opens"
Wonderful guy, terrible cabinet maker.
Edit: thanks for the updoots and awards! You made my Reddit cake day! 😁
My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.
That way, I always make a grand entrance.
Why are there always two medics in an ambulance
They’re not called pair a medics for no reason
I really loved the Harry Potter books. But the Gryffindor Ghost, "Nearly Headless Nick" has always annoyed me.
I think it's because he really was poorly executed.
When you see geese flying in the famous V formation, have you ever noticed that one side is always longer than the other? Do you know why that is?
There's more geese on that side.
From my 7yo Nephew, Why should you always bring toilet paper to gatherings?
For all the party poopers!
What letter is always wet?
I don't always tell Dad jokes
But when I do he usually laughs.
I’ll tell you what always catches my eyes?
Short people with umbrellas
I always put my laughter in a jar...
I make the best laughing stock in town
Why do communists always use lower case letters?
because they're not filthy capitalists!
How do you always keep yourself warm?
Go to the corner - it's always 90 degrees!
I've always wanted to watch the show "Gone in 60 Seconds", but I can't find the DVD.
I swear I saw it here a minute ago!
Always use a lid when boiling water.
It’ll make it boil a lid-le faster!
Wife asked me why do I always knock on the fridge before opening it...
I said: "There could be a salad dressing"
My biggest talent is always being able to tell what's in a wrapped present.
Why do professional bakers and chefs always use butter?
Because there's no margarine for error.
Why do Soviets always write in lower-case?
Because they hate Capitalism.
When speaking with Spanish people, make sure to always mention "mucho"
Why do they always put swimming pools near the math department?
cuz chlorine kills algae bruh
I stopped using the freight scale to weigh myself, because it was always so rude…
No matter how much weight I lost, it kept calling me gross.
Why was Frankensteins’ monster always so angry?
He was all screwed up in the head
I asked my friend why he always wears tank tops...
He told me he has the right to bare arms.
My wife hates how I always pretend we are on walkie-talkies
Wife: our relationship is over.
Me: our relationship is what? Over.
6 year old came home with this one. She always giggles before the punchline: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Peter Pan always flies because
Why does Peter Pan always fly?
What's the name of the asian guy who always has enough money in his pocket?
Whenever I go to funerals, I always say "plethora".
People tell me it means a lot to them.
Why are red heads always careful?
They do everything gingerly
I told my son, “I always wanted to give you a lesson on how to make a salad.”
Son: Why?
Me: That’s something that needs addressing.
Why is San Francisco always so breezy and cool?
I always say Lobsters are sketchy....
They are always getting caught Red-Handed. 🦞
My fans are always screaming
when I play a video game.
Why are the lights always low in a Chinese restaurant?
I always thought orthopedic shoes were stupid
But now I stand corrected
Did you know the Bible dictates that the man should always make the morning coffee?
Yep! It says it right here, Hebrews.
I don't always take care of my teeth
But when I do, they love me despite all my floss
Always knock before opening the fridge.
There could be a salad dressing.
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