When I was a baby I slept all the time but I slept less and less as I got older....
...I didn't want to be accused of kidnapping.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
My friend rolled the ball down the lane 10 times, knocking over all the pins each time!
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 27 2021
My wife asked me to stop quoting Taylor Swift lyrics all the time
I never saw it coming, wouldnβt have suspected it
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 12 2021
What do you call a person with one eye that's sad all the time?
π︎ 32
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Are you someone who has to be around people all the time?
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 23 2021
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
Columbus,Marco Polo etc are not the bravest explorers of all time.
Its the Internet Explorer.
It is brave enough to ask to be my default browser.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 17 2021
For all the time they spend in a school, you'd think that fish are really smart.
But it turns out, they're all below C level.
π︎ 23
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︎ Dec 14 2020
Iβm sick of having great little ideas all the time, I think I have...
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 03 2021
they just keep getting served all the time
π︎ 95
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︎ Oct 03 2020
The other day my daughter asked me why the dog follows her around all the time.
I answered, because she (the dog) looks up to you.
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 20 2020
I canβt believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
Iβve been moving them around all day but they still say they are βOut of Orderβ
π︎ 56
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
Patrick Roy, perhaps the best goaltender of all time, was having a family reunion.
Being a wealthy celebrity, he'd volunteered to hold the proceedings at his home. The spread was excellent and Pat's father drew him aside as things were winding down.
"I have a feeling your team is going to do great this year!"
"Why's that Dad?"
"I feel like God can't help but root for a man who's a father, a son and a goalie-host."
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
I had to choose between three cats. The first was super affectionate, like a dog. The second prefers to be alone all the time. I picked the third, whose personality is somewhere in between.
I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he wonβt do that.
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 08 2020
What's the greatest cheese of all time?
π︎ 5
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︎ Oct 31 2020
What can you use to prevent stepping on your cat all the time?
π︎ 11
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︎ Sep 27 2020
People overcome adversity all the time... Look at Beethoven.
They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
π︎ 48
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︎ Aug 16 2020
What's the most groundbreaking invention of all time?
π︎ 294
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︎ Mar 12 2020
How do you make 3 old ladies all yell profanities at the same time ?
Have a fourth one yell "BINGO"
π︎ 12
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︎ Aug 28 2020
One of my friends brags all the time that he can make a perfect circle
π︎ 11
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︎ Jun 26 2020
Why do scientists chew gum all the time?
Because they like ex-spearmints.
π︎ 27
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︎ Jul 18 2020
I just found out spiders are dizzy all the time.
All they do is spin around.
π︎ 4
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︎ Aug 27 2020
What do you call Spider-Man when his hands shake all the time?
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 01 2020
One of the greatest NBA teams of all time, the 98 Chicago Bowls
π︎ 8
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︎ May 29 2020
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
π︎ 29
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︎ Jul 22 2020
What is the most ground breaking invention of all time?
π︎ 11
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︎ Jun 29 2020
An architect friend of mine keeps going on and on and on about how he has designed the greatest skyscraper of all time.
But I think he's built it up too much.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 14 2020
Original joke time! The apples I had to remove the peals from all appeared in twos, matched for use together.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 03 2020
I get asked all the time why I enjoy fishing
I tell them, "just for the halibut"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 05 2020
Warned my son about the dangers of drugs today. Told him a story about a girl I knew who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time. Surprised, he asked, "Really?" I replied, "Yes, absolutely true."
"She became a little spore addict."
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 22 2020
What type of pants would Mario wear all the time.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
I write my name in cursive all the time -
π︎ 305
π
︎ Nov 27 2019
If Iβm being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If Iβm being objective, itβs Dr. Whom.
π︎ 304
π
︎ Oct 31 2019
Dogs talk to us all the time
You just have to know what questions they're answering, like, whatβs a tree trunk covered in, whatβs the french word for egg, how does sandpaper feel, whatβs on the top of a house, whatβs 1 divided by two
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 12 2020
By the time my brother got out of the 4th grade, we all knew what he was gonna be when he left high school
π︎ 20
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︎ Apr 30 2020
Why are physicists so serious all the time?
They understand the gravity of the situation.
π︎ 90
π
︎ Feb 18 2020
An old woman goes to see the doctor. "I'm very gassy, but fortunately my farts are quiet and don't smell. In fact, I've farted three times since you came in, but know you haven't noticed at all."
The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.
A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset. "I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival!"
The doc says "Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas!"
π︎ 24
π
︎ Apr 16 2020
What part of your body is worried all the time?
π︎ 46
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︎ Dec 22 2019
Things have been a bit tense with my wife, with both of us stuck in quarantine all the time. We even had an argument about herbs the other day.
To be honest, it was about thyme.
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 16 2020
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 27 2020
The moment I learned that βphα»β is actually pronounced βfuh,β I knew the time was ripe to write a Google review for my all-time favourite phα» restaurant. (I guess this qualifies more as βracy wordplayβ than it does βpunnyβ?)
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 10 2020
My Dad once told me this: "People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven."
"They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?"
π︎ 14
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︎ Aug 17 2020
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