Ho ho ho

Now I have a machine pun

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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Whoever named it a television ...

Should've called it a watching machine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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what's green and very dangerous?

A pea with a machine gun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Quantum_Alpha
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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My dog snores too much...

I'm getting it a CPUP machine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PablitoMadera
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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Something I came up with being unemployed during COVID...

Me to friend: "Hey is your washing machine working?"

Friend: "Yeah"

Me: "Darn, this economy is so unfair that your washing machine can work but I can't"

Friend: groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amanat361
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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What is the best way to send somebody an encyclopedia?

A facts machine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteadyingRuck
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
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I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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If time is money...

Then is an ATM a time machine?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CringeChilly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Computer Coffee..

I was telling my wife a story about a programmer that was able to run a computer script on a Coffee Machine.

It would brew the coffee for the person exactly as they reached the machine, my wife jokingly said, "he speaks computer coffee."

That is when Dad Joke came in and I said, you could say that he speaks Java.

She walked outside without saying anything and stared at the yard for a while.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scopecontro1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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A couple is divorcing in court, and they are fighting for custody of their only child:

The woman tries to pity the judge: -Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me! The judge is moved and says: -Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments. The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says: -Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elouan_lrch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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What do you call a machine that can read books and make reviews about them, but sadly can only detect red font?

An InkRedible machine

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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What's green and dangerous?

A gooseberry with a machine gun.
(Extra points as I actually learnt this from my dad...)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoorMetonym
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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I used to know a cat burglar named Carl.

Carl had this calling card of his. When he was nearly done burgling a house, he would put a brick inside the victim's washing machine, and switch it on. The washing machine would destroy itself, and the owners would know that the perpetrator could only be Carl.

Carl's number eventually came up, when he burgled a house with three savage guard dogs. They put an end to his burglary career.

I guess you could say, washing machines live longer with Carl gone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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What's black, dangerous & hides in trees?

A crow with a machine gun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Futureman16
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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Another from a whiteboard deep in a hospital somewhere.

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine ..

.. But Catscan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Equivalent_Squash
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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My first hand account at getting dad joke'd.

I was working nightshift at McDonalds and a dad and his son wanted some ice cream, chocolate, specifically. The machine wasnt acting right so I interjected and said, "the chocolate ice cream works, it's just acting funny" and the dad swoops in and asks, "does it tell jokes?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyhberLovesMemes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
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The scariest machine in a gym is the ...

Dreadmill.

Most carb filled machine? The breadmill

Machine that is easiest to sleep on? The bedmill

A running joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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[Request] pubs involving medieval terms

Hey all. I work at a place that sells medieval and Renaissance themed clothing, weapons, and armour. We are beginning to sell snacks in the breakroom for employees (sans vending machine) and I want to call the "shop" something silly/ridiculous. Ye Olde Snack Shack just won't cut it, I want a good pun in there. Don't hesitate to use fantasy inspired ideas either. I wanted to go with The Dragon's Hoard, but would rather have something funny as well!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/magic_vs_science
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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Dad jokes in real life.

Tonight my wife and I were explaining why my son had to wear pajama bottoms after putting anti-itch cream on his legs, because it kept it from rubbing off on the sheets. β€œBut doesn’t it rub off on the pajamas?” asked my daughter. My wife patiently explained that the cream could then rub back onto his legs.

β€œYes,” I said. β€œIt’s a perpetual lotion machine.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jofish22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2018
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Which Appliance has the most foul mouth?

The Washing machines it has Loads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteaminScaldren
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer, he hears a voice and realises it's coming from the bowl of peanuts on the bar "Looking very smart tonight sir and that cologne is hitting all the right notes. Oh yes!"

Somewhat taken aback, but also feeling confident he goes to the Gents to buy some condoms. Just as he's about to put the coins in a voice comes out of the machine "Don't waste your money mate! You haven't got a chance with the ladies tonight."

Astonished at this he relays all this to the barmaid. "Ah, thats easy to explain, the nuts are Complimentary and the condom machine is Out Of Order.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PompeyNige
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
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My wife and I talking dirty in front of the kids.

H: Do you think I can fit it all in there?

W: Yes babe throw it all in, that’s what it’s designed for.

H: I guess they don’t call it a high capacity washing machine for nothing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doravec88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Im a scientist and a cook

I just invented a thyme-machine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombiesAtHome
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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Math[s]

I was nonplussed at the ability of the student to add manually minus the aid of an adding machine!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LosGlasgow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
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Money is confusing...

For example: the machine used to print dollars, it just doesn't make any cents!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sush-E
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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Did you hear about the optometrist

...who fell into his grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vedanta99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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Famous last words

It was really hard on our family when my Grandfather passed away. He was waiting for a blood transfusion but the machine to test blood-type was broken. He always kept a brave face and inspired us all, and today was no different. I will always remember his last words. With his last breath the pulled me close, looked me in the eye and told me to be positive. Please, be positive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Picker-Rick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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What do you call a genie who can only grant cloth-related wishes?

A wishing machine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adgrig
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
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The long game

So a bus conductor in America was doing his job one day, happily printing and checking tickets all day long, enjoying the country views and feeling good about life.

A young lad gets on, chewing gum and being as loud and rude as all teenage lads are. There’s no-one else on the bus, so the conductor takes his ticket machine and bops the lad over the head, killing him. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

He gets his job back and puts the whole incident behind him. Until one day, a little old lady gets on the bus and starts to pay for a ticket in one cent coins. After about 10 minutes of fiddling with change, the conductor runs out of patience and bops the old lady on the head, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

After getting his job back again, life seems to go well for the conductor, until one day a young lady gets on the bus, casually putting her feet on the seat opposite. By now, the conductor is a little less lenient than in years gone by, so he takes his ticket machine and bops her over the head with it, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards ar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BloodAngel1982
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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Literally just got this from my father please help

β€œHey dad I got A sub today so I we can talk about getting that car

Father a true intellectual β€œMachine gun or sandwich”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/westin02
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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TIL During WW2, The Allies targeted the ball bearing factory in Germany where the Nazis made all of the bearings for the war.

They were trying to get the Nazi war machine to grind to a halt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sgpbabs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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My work is complete....

We were at the dinner table with my adult children and my son said he was teaching his physics class the concept of simple machines. He had given the class a brief intro about their usefulness and how they can be found everywhere. Then he asked the students to come up with all the examples they could think of.

My daughter, barely containing herself to wait for a pause in the conversation, said with only the slightest of grins, "So the lesson would be 50 ways to love your lever?"

My dadness has been passed on. Nothing left for me to do here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/randommillenium
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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Not my dad but hilarious nonetheless

So for background, I work at McDonald's. I have to scan every Euro Bill 50 € and up.

So one day a dad comes in with his two little daughters. He places his order and hands me a 50 € bill. I scan it and scan it again and the machine won't recognize its validity, when the dad says:'That's odd, I JUST changed my printer's toner' Daughters facepalm other dads in line nod

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kappas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2013
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Dad joke of all dad jokes (found on Tumblr)

I've been making dad jokes for years but my wife and I are expecting our first child and I've finally been making dad jokes while actually being a dad.

When we were in the hospital I got my wife a blanket. What was awesome was they were kept in this machine that was specifially made to heat blankets. I laid the blanket over my wife and siad. "do you think they keep these at womb temperature?" I heard a nurse laugh for a solid 3 minutes.

This is my legacy.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Isai76
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2015
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There's a new machine that lets dads experience the pain of child birth...

There's this new machine that lets fathers experience the pain of child birth. A couple tried it out...

On the 25% setting the husband didn't feel anything even though the mother's pain eased.

Surprised, they turn it up to 50%. The wife felt less pain and amazingly the husband felt nothing.

The machine was turned up to 100% and the mother gave a pain-free birth to two beautiful twins.

They returned home the next day to find the mailman dead in the front yard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gr8sk8
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2017
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While on shore leave, Captain Picard intends to fix a hole in his uniform the old fashioned way.

Without any replicators on the family orchard, he decides to do it analogue with his brother's old sewing machine.

He puts a thread through the needle, his uniform underneath, and switches it on. It whirs and grunts out clunking noises before being switched back off.

"Robert your machine is broken!"

"What do you want me to do about it, Jean-Luc?"

"I need you to make it sew!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MightyOtaku
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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What electronic doesn't lie?

A facts machine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mastrwill
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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Change is inevitable

Except from a vending machine .

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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My dad works in an industrial plant.

Huge place, lots of dangerous machines. One day, he gets his hand caught in one of the machines which removes it. After going to the hospital to get the wrist stump sealed, he calls me and tells me what happened before finishing "On the other hand, I still have five fingers."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Speciesunkn0wn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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Home Depot checkout line is as good a place as any for a dad joke

I needed to run to Home Depot just a little while ago, and my eight year old son has been driving my wife insane, so he was sent with me. He asked a hundred questions about what tool does what and why I needed this or that. Despite my distracted supervision, he surely mixed up several loose nuts and bolts.

At the exit of the self checkout line, there's a massive gumball machine that holds massive gumballs. I rarely carry change, so he's out of luck.

Sonny Boy: Dad, can I have a quarter?

Me (checking out): Nope. Don't have one.

Sonny Boy: You don't have any cents?

Me: If I had any cents, I'd have left you at home tonight.

No, he didn't get it, and I'm shocked he set it up so well by saying cents. But, the dude in the line next to me let out a solid guffaw. We made the satisfying, knowing eye contact of two dad joke aficionados. I'm glad someone else heard it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dtsjr
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2014
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Jury duty sucks

Even the vending machines are out of order

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HopelesslyFamous
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
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I managed to break even at Vegas this weekend. I lost a load of money on the blackjack table.

But then won it all back on the ATM machine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/monkeyupbirch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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I’ve never broken anything before...

Except for that Coinstar machine I knocked over, but that doesn’t count.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigbrainonb-rad
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
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I hate my parents

Im a smart 15yo boy, just trying to invent a machine that can direct thunder where I want.

I got grounded

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombiesAtHome
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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Grandpa joke

My grandpa told me this joke; mind you, it was in the '90s, before all the computer tech became relevant.

Inventor runs to the patent office:

  • I have a brand new machine idea!
  • What does it do? - asked the official.
  • You know how every man is tired of shaving every single morning? My shaving machine would be placed all over the city, for scruffy lads to just put their heads in the device, and in exchange for a quarter, it would shave their face for them! - replied the inventor.
  • But Sir, every person's face has a different shape!
  • ...At first!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DashcamWarriors
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2015
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Seriously, Dad: why would anyone need a machine gun?

To kill machines, I guess.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Werwanderflugen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
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My dad retired recently and I called him...

Me: "Hey dad, just wanted to ask.."

Dad: "Can you speak up please?"

Me: "Hey, I just wanted to a.."

Dad: "Speak up, I can't hear you!"

Me: "I JUST WANTED TO ASK IF..."

Dad: "Haha just kidding, this is my answering machine. Please leave a message."

πŸ‘︎ 544
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwiynwych
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2016
🚨︎ report
No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the ends.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PewPewWizard2000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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r/Dadirl and then some..

Dad: Take my advice ...

...I'm not using it β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Every time my step Dad comes up with a foolproof solution..

along comes a more-talented fool

..dad

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

When I married Ms. Right...

I had no idea her first name was Always.

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test

The other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

He who laughs last

...thinks slowest.

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Women sometimes make fools of men

...but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

I was going to give her the nasty look

..but she already had one.

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Change is inevitable

...except from a vending machine.

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

The grass may be greener on the other side

...but at least you don't have to mow it.

  • [ ]
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lifeis_amystery
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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"Dude I think that atm machine just lost a few pounds"

"Dude I think that atm machine just lost a few pounds," my friend told me after I withdrew some cash.

"Actually, I think it goes by USD here"

It was a proud remark of mine I had last night.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_ME_A_DOGE
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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Dad dropped a fucking brilliant one last night... needs some backstory

So my brother is a policeman and last night got a call about a stolen washing machine...

So he goes to it, ridiculous argument insues between the two parties then a slight wrestling match from my brother and the accuser and he gets nicked. So then my mum asks him

"What about the washing machine? Did the other man steal it?"

my dad replies instantly:

"It made a clean getaway"

I can't wait to have kids so my brain work the same way...

πŸ‘︎ 253
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JungleOrAfk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2016
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I lost my wallet...

It turned up this morning when I opened up the washing machine. Everything inside (cash, credit card, driver's license) was soaking wet.

Dad: "I'm calling the police."

Me: "Why would you do that?"

Dad: "You're guilty of laundering money."

ahh...

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gudea_of_Lagash
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
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Over chips and dip.

We had those Tostitos Scoops chips and I found a chip that was flat, so it apparently hadn't gone through the machine that makes it into the bowl shape. Showed my dad and he said "I guess we'll have to talk to the Scoopervisor."

πŸ‘︎ 802
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shellumsparkles
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2013
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Landed this on the 'Genius' in the Apple store...

Took my iMac in because the hard disc failed. The machine is 6 yrs old so I was made to feel embarrassed coz it was 'vintage and obsolete, Apple don't carry parts and can't help'. I was becoming a bit pissed off at the attitude I was getting then more pissed off when Mr Genius started to tell me to buy some suction pads that glaziers use to carry sheets of glass around, pull out the screen, undo 18 screws etc etc to change the disc myself. That's when I hit him with...

"Glaziers' suction pads? I thought they were only compatible with windows"

He didn't even flinch. Just completely ignored it and carried on sneering at me for having the audacity to be using an old machine. I left feeling like a piece of shit with only pride in my joke keeping me going.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smithmf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
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It worked

I’m about to use a time machine that will bring me 1 minute back in time.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mazzack
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
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My dad and I are in Las Vegas..

First casino we walk in he says to me. I bet you 20 bucks the first machine I go to I'll get 100 dollars. You're on. He then walks up to an ATM.

πŸ‘︎ 166
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hogy13
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2016
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I'm trying to create an automated contraption for growing herbs.

I think it'll be the world's first Thyme Machine.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegimboid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2014
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Getting some keys cut

I took my daughter to get some keys cut at Home Depot. She picked out a pink one and I picked out a super awesome Star Wars key. They cut her key first followed by mine

"Daddy, the machine is louder cutting your key"

"Well kiddo, that's because Star Wars keys need more Force"

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/minnick27
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Hitler invents a time machine...

It's some time in the second world war and Hitlers top scientists have built a time machine. Eager to use it, but fearing an accident, the fuhrer instead sends one of his henchman forward to 1985, hoping to gain knowledge of the future to use against his enemies.

Much to Hitlers chagrin however, the henchman quickly returns to the present with only a Casio Keyboard in hand. Breathless with excitement, he declares "Mein Fuhrer! With this device we shall wage sonic warfare on our enemies!"... He hits the demo button and the room is filled with sound.

"So... what do you think?" says the henchman.

Hitler, aghast at this otherworldly device says

"You must be mad Schultz! There's no place in this world for a Nazi Synthesizer!"

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomheist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2016
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A man walks into a bar...

And he sits down and has a nice, filling dinner. After dinner he gives the waiter his credit card to pay. The waiter returns soon after and says to the man "I'm sorry sir, your card won't work because it has a chip in it and our machine is out of salsa."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EndangeredBird
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked my teacher today

So, today was my CNC class. For those that don't know what CNC is, it's basically the computer programming, and execution of automated machining and manufacturing. To program it, there is a very long script you have to write to tell the machine what to do.

He was reviewing his own code in front of the whole class, when he realized something, he's missing an R-plane. He says "Where is my R-plane?" I respond, "Probably at the R-port"

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/She_Likes_Cloth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
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My wife works with mechanical engineers

It’s like working with a well oiled machine

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2017
🚨︎ report
My Dad got me today.

We were discussing a problem encountered with self-checkout machines at supermarkets. When buying lemons, you could buy 1 lemon, or 3 lemons. Not 2, because for some reason the machine won't recognise it.
Dad says "Well that makes sense, because if you buy 2 lemons then it's a pear; and they'll be a different price!"
I simultaneously laughed and facepalmed.

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tibbsy152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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I think I've taken this one to a whole new level

Dave is working at his job at the Time Travel Factory when his partner Bob comes back in his own time machine. "Come quick Dave!" he says "I just got back from the Middle Ages and have met a prince!" So Dave climbs into Bob's machine and they head to the Middle Ages.

They arrive at a castle and immediately meet the prince Bob was talking about. "Your Majesty" says Bob "Allow me to introduce my friend Dave. He works with me at the Time Traveling factory." As Dave bows, the Prince says "It is an honor to meet you my loyal subject. I am a Prince. My mother and father are Queen and King of this kingdom."

"It is even more of an honor to meet you, Your Highness" says Dave. "I have never met royalty before."

"It is indeed a rare honor for most subjects." said the prince. "Because of a strict guideline of pre-arranged marriage and inbreeding, there are only a small number of us around."

"Er...ok..." said Dave. "So tell me Prince, how vast is your kingdom."

"It is most large" said the Prince. "However my population has been dwindling lately. In recent months, I've had to behead a large number of my subjects. It fulfills my bloodlust and desire for authoritarian control by any means necessary."

Clearly uncomfortable, Dave turns to Bob and quietly says "I hate to say it, but this prince you've found is kind of a bummer."

Bob said to Dave "Well what did you expect, I told you. I have meta prince.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2017
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On a street demonstration outside MIT

-What do we want? A time machine! -When do we want it? It doesn't matter!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoMoreDays
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my friend in the car.

We were driving down a country lane when all of a sudden my friend says,

'Hey look, there's a washing machine on the road.'

There was indeed a washing machine standing at the edge of the road. As we drove up to it I said,

'I'd better wash out for that.'

He groaned, I laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeamusTheGreat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
🚨︎ report
The Cheerio Joke

Oh boy do I have a joke for you kids! Its called the cheerio joke.


So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes homeless, living out on the street, probaly an alchoholic. But he falls in love with a frosted cheerio princess. So one day he sneaks into the royal gala and goes up to the princess and asks her "will you marry me?" Now she says "I like your style, youre a good looking guy, a bit scruffy but I like you. Tell you what I will marry you if you can become a frosted cheerio" So our guy goes back with a determination and gets a job and starts to pay off his debts. Now by having a job and his debts paid he becomes a level 1 cheerio. So he works, and he works, and he works, and he WORKS and he finally becomes a level 2 cheerio. Now he goes back to the princess and askes her again, "will you marry me?" she says "no honey you really do have to become a frosted cheerio first." So he goes back and he works and works, hes a fryboy at McGrubers or something, I dont care. So he works and he works and he gets promoted at the restraunt and is making more money. And he works and he works and he works and by having that income raise he finally becomes a level 3 cheerio. He feels sucessful for the first time in his life but he is starting to fall back on his old ways. One day he goes to the casino and he loses and he loses and he loses and he gambled all his money away and he gets fired to boot because gambling is against company policy. So he is back down to a level 1 cheerio. He gets a job on a production line at a nearby factory and determines himself not to fall back ever again. So he works and he works and he works and he works and he WORKS, level 2, level 3, and he is doing great again. He is promoted to Floor manager of the factory and he is doing great and becomes a level 4 cheerio. But then one day a rival company sabotages their operation by putting poison in their toothpaste or whatever the hell they were making. They have to pay out damages and PR and the like and they declare bankruptcy. He is knocked back down to level 2 for the lack in income. But he is hired almost straight away by a branch of a huge conglomerate because they recognized how hard of a worker he is. So he works, level 3, works, level 4, and he works and works and WORKS. So he is promoted t

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/t17389z
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Got my wife while doing laundry

After filling the washing machine (which was recently purchased), my wife asked me if the load was even.

Me: Doesn't this have an automatic load-evener? Her: I don't think so. Me, grinning like an idiot: So what you're saying is, this washing machine literally can't even?

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradBot3000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2016
🚨︎ report
I groaned to say the least

So I have this habit of not taking my money out of my pockets before I put it in the laundry machine. Yesterday my dad came into my room holding a couple of dollars he had found in there. Dad: "You could get into big trouble for this you know...Money laundering is illegal"

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoapMyPotato
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Tonight's groaners at the dinner table ...

Did you hear about the broken change machine?

It doesn't make cents.

How about the skunk that couldn't spray?

It doesn't make scents either.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brousch
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2016
🚨︎ report
Wife beats me at last

So, I've been infuriating my wife with dadjokes for some time now. Phrases such as "I hate you" and "please don't ever speak again" are all-too-common.

Recently, my wife measured my size for a piece of a breathing machine that attaches to my nose (I have sleep apnea).

Me: Oh honey you were right about the breathing machine. I'm definitely a size medium!

Wife: I was right about the nose thing?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Would you say that my assessment was on the nose?

I stood back in awe. She had bested me. I will never, ever, be able to tell a dadjoke like that.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fudgebert
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
🚨︎ report
Rowing machine.

My mom was looking for a rowing machine so I brought up a few on the computer she could look at. She really liked one of them but didn't quite understand how adding resistance worked so she asked me 'How do I add weight to it?". My old man immediately yells from the living room, "You sit on it!".

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sonofmo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my fiancee this afternoon...

Was telling the fiancΓ©e how much our copy machine at work sucks...

Me: So that's why we call it Bob Marley

FiancΓ©e: Why would you call it that?

Me: Because it always be jammin'

I started laughing hysterically afterwards, and she just stared at me like I belong in a straight jacket.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gohawks44
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2014
🚨︎ report
Got a coworker with this.

A friend of mine posted a status along the lines of this: "No! No! Why did you have to die you stupid washing machine?!"

Without missing a beat, I commented:

"Well, looks to me that it's all... Washed up."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Returningdarkness
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked My Dad Last Night

I was eating with my folks last night. My dad wants to split a margarita with my mom. So he asks the waitress if he can order one. She then tells him that the freezing machine is down and he can't have one. I said, "Well that's not cool." The waitress rolls her eyes, and a tear streams down my dads face as he congratulates me on the joke. I've never been so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/biglineman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2014
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"You're ridiculous"

I said lovingly to my fiancΓ© (and really great dad to his daughter).

His reply, "I wonder if the first person was just...diculous".

I get to live with a dad joke machine.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crescuesanimals
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an computer program that can read books, and then make reviews about them, but sadly can only read text that has a red font?

An InkRedible machine.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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I often say to myself

I can't believe that cloning machine actually worked!

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/metalexca
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Huge list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeaconOnAChairMC
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Shredded cheese is a good idea

But whoever invented the machine for making it had the greater idea

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uglyoldbob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What's black and white and spins around?

A penguin in a washing machine.

My 4 year old came up with that one.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coverslide
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Our rap/rock band in high school was named β€œThe Shake Machine.”

Because β€œThe Shake Machine” is ALWAYS down.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M-comment
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a machine that makes a ton of the letter s?

A s lot machine.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/takemytwixbyforce
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Got out-dadjoked at work today

Was getting coffee from the coffee machine when the machine said: "Fill Beans"

So I turned to my coworker and said: "Who is this Fill Beans?"

To which he responded: "I think he's from the Philippines"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stebbib
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad just dropped this one on me.

I had just told him that I had sccidently put my pants in the washing machine with my wallet still in them. My dad looked at me and instantly said,

"Isn't that money laundering?"

πŸ‘︎ 524
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_dumbledore
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
🚨︎ report
Change is inevitable.

Except for the stupid vending machine at work.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2018
🚨︎ report
The coinstar machine at work was broken today.

I went up to the repair man and said "Fixing the machine? I guess its time for a change"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tater8q3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad pulled a double dad joke yesterday

Mom walks in

Mom: I have to go to Tuesday Morning to get a new shower curtain.

Dad: But it's Wednesday afternoon? Do you have a time machine?!

Mom: haha you're funny.

Dad: I'm not funny, I'm dad!

....

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyllama256
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
🚨︎ report

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