who had always held the theory that many hands make light work.
This literally just happened.
Context: I'm 30yrs old. Got my own place. My dad and his business partner are staying with me for a meeting they have in the morning. Dad's friend is browsing the news on his laptop. He casually says Neil Young's birthday is today. He's 70 years old.
My dad goes "I guess he's Neil Old now"
Is it a sign of getting old when I find his dad jokes hilarious?
..but really, it was just him putting words in my mouth.
Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors today while the rest are here posting jokes on reddit.
A young dolphin, having just watched two blue whales humping, was thinking about the facts of life and how the whales got together in the first place.
He turned to his mum and said “Mum, how did you and dad meet ?”
“Son” she said “We were following a fishing boat scavenging dead fish and your dad and I collided as we went for the same dead tuna fish.
He backed off and let me have the tuna, it was very gallant of him”
“What happened next Mum”
“We just clicked son”
The head ER doctor explained to his mom and dad: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son is suffering from acute kid knee failure”
Apparently, they are changing Legolas' name to 'Duplolas' in this version.
But, today there's cameras everywhere.
My daughter is in her final trimester of her first baby. She HATES dad jokes. Her husband LOVES dad jokes.
I need to make her life just a little bit more piquant. A dad joke a day would be awesome. Help? Please?
EDIT: Y'all are AWESOME!! My daughter is gonna kill me! Lol. Thanks so much!
But then I realized it was a dyeing art.
“Thinly sliced cabbage and mayo.”
A hootenanny
Here are 20 of the most popular dad jokes, which you can draw from in emergency situations where you quickly need a good dad joke:
- Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything. - I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.
I lost my case. - What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. - Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory. - What did one hat say to the other?
You wait here. I’ll go on a head. - What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador. - What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
This tastes a little funny. - Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood. - Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s okay, he woke up. - Can February march?
No, but April may. - Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels. - What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved. - Never leave alphabet soup on the stove and then go out.
It could spell disaster. - When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet.
Nobody knew why. - Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Right where you left it. - Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications. - Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months. - What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison. - What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta. - What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
NB: I curated these from a much longer list that was published by Reader's Digest, which is also why you see many of these appear regularly in this sub.
Now I just pop and crack
His dad made sure he was grounded before he got to start anything
But I couldn't deliver.
I was struggling to make hens meet.
"May I try on that dress in the window?" she asks the manager.
"Go ahead," replies the manager, "Maybe it will attract some business."
Homer Loan.
That is all. Pornhub jokes? Cmon guys.
Bambidextrous.
Turns out—that was a stereotype.
The bartender, after having owned the bar for 20+ years, tells the customer, "I've seen some crazy things go on in this bar and in this town. I don't think you can do it. You're on."
The customer reaches in his pocket, and pulls out a man who stands 10" tall. He tells the bartender, "watch this." Then tells the little man, "how about beethoven's 5th?"
The small man goes to the piano, climbs onto the stool, and plays beethoven's 5th symphony flawlessly.
With his mind properly blown, the bartender slides his customer a beer.
An hour later, the same customer challenges the tender to the same bet, who again, obliges.
The customer pulls a genie lamp from another pocket and tells the owner, "this genie has no limits. Make a wish."
In disbelief, he says, "alright, I wish I had a million bucks."
The bar immediately fills with white-feathered birds.
"I WISHED FOR BUCKS, NOT DUCKS!!"
The customer replied, "when was the last time you wished you had a 10 inch pianist in your pants?
Bready to Rye is all I’ve come up with so far. Give me your best bread puns
He gave Old Black five stars
You cantaloupe
They need to grow up…in a stable environment.
... so it could be charged as an adult.
Just buy root beer and put it in a square glass. The square cancels out the root and all that's left is beer!
Im no longer young
Who was camping with our group. He ended up scratching himself on his arm a little bit and comes crying to us. I tell him it looks pretty bad and he will have to cut his arm off. He starts to cry louder so I ask why? Is he attached to it or something?
Answer: 4. A left knee, a right knee, a hi knee, and a wee knee.
Id call it Marley and Me.
So I had to clean it up by giving that horse a bath.
Baltic toks
It's Trudeau...
PbS Kids.
As if their family hadn’t suffered enough, I just found out his cousin Brock is a vegetable!
"May I try on that dress in the window?" she asks the manager.
"Go ahead," replies the manager, "Maybe it will attract some business."
