True story: many years ago I adopted a new dog. Took him to his first visit to the vet.

The lady at the vet: β€œwhat’s his name?”

Me: β€œThe shelter told me his name is Toby”

Her: β€œWell, what does he think his name is?”

Me: β€œ........ Kunte Kinte”

She didn’t get it. Once in a lifetime joke wasted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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My wife works in animal medicine and rolled her eyes at me. "Where does a vet who specializes in neutering live?"

A cull-de-sack

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πŸ‘€︎ u/waldo06
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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My 2 pet birds got stuck together, so I took them to the vets to see what they could do.

Apparently, he couldn't do anything, because it was just....

Toucan-fusing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.

Confused and upset, I asked why.

The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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There is a religious veterinarian who has a strict rule that only one vet can work on large animals at a time

Because it is a sin to co-vet an oxen or donkey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glowing-fishSCL
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"

The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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My dog was acting a bit angry since I took him to the vets and get him neutered

But I’m not worried, since he doesn’t have the balls to do anything

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tetrahedral_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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My female cat just got fixed, but the vet insisted on referring to it as "feline ovarian removal".

Look, sometimes you have to call a spayed a spayed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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Pet owner: "Vet , my birds are stuck together."

Vet: "I'm sorry, I don't understand. It's toucan fusing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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My dog ate a string of Christmas lights, but the vet was able to remove them.

My dog was delighted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiosMioMan2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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The vet told me my parrot was sick...

...he has chirpes.

'What's that?'

'It's a cararial disease... and, by the way, it's untweetable.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmatlack1023
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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I have a horse that's really asthmatic and I'm scared it may not make it. The vet prescribed some

bronco-die-laters

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Letthembeefcake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Company password

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacremento"

When asked why they had such a long password, the employee rolled their eyes and said "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsAndIT
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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POV you're a vet trying to arrange a date with a patient

Vet: "are you picking up what I'm putting down"

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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Called the vets this morning...

Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."

Vet: "Ok what's the problem?"

Me: "He's holding his head to one side."

Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"

Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, β€œhere is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, β€œare you a vet?”

He said, β€œvet? I’m fucking soaking”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rohanlahiri05
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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As a newly qualified vet, I'm now allowed to treat animals.

Yesterday, I took a herd of cows out for drinks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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The vet said our chick has survived through the accident, but his brain was damaged so he’d have to live the rest of his life a vegetable.

Guess we’ll call him Eggplant now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoohsySlayer69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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As I was leaving the vet’s office, he said β€œHere is the bill..

Sorry, that we were unable to reattach it to your duck.”

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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My 4y olds temp is a bit high this morning so I told her she was as sick as a dog we have to take her to the vet.

She was a bit scared a very confused until we showed up at grandmas house as usual. Happy Veterans Day to my mom and those who served ! and thanks to all of you that are AD | NAD | TRS | TAMP for your service.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coloredboyadvance
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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Dentist or vet?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueDisciple
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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My robot dog wasn’t working properly but the vet said he couldn’t do anything.

I don’t understand. Don’t people take their pets to the vet to get fixed all the time?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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I ran into the vets this morning and said to the blonde receptionist, "Quick, I think my daughters hamster is in serious trouble".

"Hamster?" she laughed, "That's a snake".

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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My horse was very sick so I had to take him to the vet.

Thankfully, he’s in a stable condition.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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My wife threatened to leave me unless I take my iguana to the vet.

She says I have a reptile dysfunction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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My Vet said our puppy requires supervision at all times.

I told him that I would be happy to consider LASIK, but wondered how it would help us potty train him?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlyinDanskMen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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I took my dog to the vet.

I took my Rottweiler to the vet because it’s cross eyed, he lifted it up to look at it then said:

β€œI’m going to have to put this dog down.”

β€œWhat!? Why!” I exclaimed. β€œBecause it’s cross eyed?”

β€œNo, because it’s heavy”. He replied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HorrorANDComedy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Found this heading into the vet
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cameroo_n
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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I had to have my pet centipede put to sleep this week, after he lost 84 of his limbs.

The vet said, he was on his last legs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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Took my iguana Ralph to the vets, he's very lethagic and hardly gets up anymore.

Apparently he has a reptile dysfunction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frumpbumble
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Why do injured cats get to the vet faster than injured dogs?

Cat litter's more common.

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πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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Why didn’t the vet treat the eagle?

It was ill-eagle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBrokeABone
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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I work at a vet and my dad texts me this:
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jRaeLupa
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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Ooh I’m so vet
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KM-Lim
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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I took my dog to the vet yesterday...

When I walked in, I saw a lady holding a leash attached to a miniature pony. I asked what was wrong with it, she said "he's just a little hoarse."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reptarticle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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Our cat came home from the vet allergy safe.

Yep, he’s nut free.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/splinter1983
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
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A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. β€œMy dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”

β€œWell,” the vet says, β€œLet’s have a look at him.” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, β€œI’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.”

The shocked owner replies, β€œwhat?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!”

β€œNo, because he’s heavy.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blueholeload
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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My dog was terrified to see the vet again after his first visit

I guess he had no balls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daddymirza
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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I noticed my dog starting to shake every time he barked, so I took him to the vet.

She confirmed my worst fears. Diagnosis: Barkinson's disease.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimBobBoBubba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?

He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mojomofos4
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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What did the vet say to the dog?

Heal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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We need help naming some murderous cats.

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sveil96
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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I’ve started an organization that grants scholarships to former armed services individuals that want to become animal doctors. Grantees are awarded based on an interview process.

I call it β€œBest bets for vetting vets for vets”

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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I bought a chameleon and it wouldn't change colour....

The vet said it had a reptile dysfunction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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My horse was very sick so I had to take him to the vet.

Thankfully, he’s in a stable condition.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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