Why did the Red Cross not allow Jesus and Muhammad to volunteer?

It’s a non-prophet organization.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/walrusgumbel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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What do volunteers clean up outside of libraries?

Literature.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/squasher04
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.

I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.

πŸ‘︎ 798
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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How many volunteers do we have for my army ?

"385, my liege."

"Okay, round them up."

"400, my liege."

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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TIL The 1st United States Volunteer Cavalry, one of three such regiments raised in 1898 for the Spanish–American War, had dogs to go with them...

The were The Ruff Riders.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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I used to enjoy being a volunteer garbageman.

I threw it all away for nothing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tvkyle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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I volunteer at a shelter and this guinea pig's name is Piggy Smalls.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AristonD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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I've decided to do volunteer work with an organization that builds homes for sea creatures.

It's called habitat for huge manatees.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earth_humanoid
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
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My dad and I used to volunteer to "socialize" with the friendly cats at the animal shelter

"I like my cats how I like my women: desperate and incarcerated"

Edit: I told my dad I posted this here. He's happy about the upvotes but also mad because "MY JOKES ARE FUNNY, GOD DAMMIT"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggmarie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
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I volunteer at a winery and vineyard on Wednesdays...

We're eating lunch outside yesterday after working in the vineyard all morning. The neighbor walks over to say hi.

Neighbor: "How's the vineyard going?"

Me: "Grape!"

Neighbor: "Oh..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/steve_z
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2014
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A volunteer at my work just told me this one.

Volunteer: "Do you know how they make Budweiser?" Me: (like an idiot)"No, how?" Volunteer: "You send him to school!"

This was 30 minutes ago, still groaning.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sitzpinkler89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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Craig David has volunteered to help out at the next Olympics, he has been assigned to Archery...

He said β€œHe’s delighted to be the bo selecta”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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I’m worried about volunteering to help my uncle at work tomorrow at the coroner’s office

It’s a pretty big undertaking

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Axnjxn_55
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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A bit nervous, but yesterday I volunteered for the COVID-19 vaccine trials.

The vaccine is one that was created in Russia. I received my first shot this morning at 7:00 am, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshΞΊΞΉ Ο‡oρoshό я Ρ‡ΡƒΠ²ΡΡ‚Π²ΡƒΡŽ сСбя Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ странно ΠΈ я Π΄ΡƒΠΌΠ°ΡŽ, Ρ‡Ρ‚ΠΎ Π²Ρ‹Ρ‚Π°Ρ‰ΠΈΠ» ослиныС ΡƒΡˆΠΈ.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pot8toes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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My wife and I don't want kids

So if anyone does, we can drop them off tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lez566
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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I want to push you around, yeah I will. I want to push you down, yeah I will. I want to take you for granite, yeah yeah yeah...

Rob Thomas volunteers to help the wheel chair bound elderly remodel their kitchen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_LumberZack_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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While I was volunteering in a shop, I came upon this shirt, m’lady
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Infiltron
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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Once I had children of my own, I could finally see why my father always volunteered to go to the store.

I just wish he would come back now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cfox1B
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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I recently started volunteering at this place called Muhammad's Bakery.

It's a Naan Prophet organization.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/akoro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2017
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At the Olympic 100 meter dash, they had no tape for the end, so a bunch of people from Finland volunteered to stand at the end in place of the tape. It was a Finnish line.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotSuspicious_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2017
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Patrick Roy, perhaps the best goaltender of all time, was having a family reunion.

Being a wealthy celebrity, he'd volunteered to hold the proceedings at his home. The spread was excellent and Pat's father drew him aside as things were winding down.

"I have a feeling your team is going to do great this year!"

"Why's that Dad?"

"I feel like God can't help but root for a man who's a father, a son and a goalie-host."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrobeOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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Volunteering makes no cents
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LastProtagonist
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2017
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Volunteered at a bike shop today

This bike shop takes in old bicycles, repairs them, and sells them for an incredibly low price. I volunteer there pretty frequently mostly because I want to learn about bike maintenance.

Another volunteer and I were working on evaluating a bike to see if it was alright to sell. We were both trying to get the tires off the rims.

"Fuck, this tire is not coming off!"

"Yeah, it's being really tiresome."

He looked at me, shook his head, gave a slight groan, and started to laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emperor_of_Cats
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
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Are these my only two options?
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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Nobody laughed at my joke but I'm proud of it.

I was volunteering today at a vegan grill event for an animal rights group. After only an hour we barely had any grilling to do as there weren't any guests.

Me: This doesn't feel like I'm at a workplace at all, it's actually quite chill. But then again, it's a low stakes environment.

Everyone else: Crickets and blank stares

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marmelado
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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I recently went to a joke bar with a couple of friends...

Persons volunteer to tell jokes and whoever laughs has to pay $5. Since my friends and I were all lovers of quality humor, we accepted this challenge.

The guy proceeds to tell his joke and I've never laughed so hard in my life, my friends had tears in their eyes as well, from this clever witty joke.

We all proceed to grab our cash and pay him to which he replied:

"Don't worry about it guys, the joke's on me"

I gave him my wallet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaynesky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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Wife thinks I am nuts!

So my daughter is in Girl Scouts. Everybody knows that the Girl Scouts sell cookies, but they also sell chocolates, nuts, and other snack food. Since we have only one car and a large garage we usually volunteer as a cupboard. Basically we get a few pallets of stuff and the area troops pick up from our place.

Me: [stopping mid pulling into the garage] What is that?!

Wife: [concerned] What is it?

Me: [shaking my head] That is nuts!

Wife: [eyes roll] Really?

Me: [laughing uncontrollably]

My son didn’t laugh either.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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There's no reason to transfigure this pun!

Professor- Ok Class, I am your professor, McGonagall, and today I will be teaching you about the transfiguration spell, Now do any of you actually know of the spell?

(silence)

Professor- Well then, I'll just have to Show you.. now, the hand movements are precisely like... this(hand movement)!Now any volunteers.?

Me- Raises hand

Professor -Ok then, your task is to turn this bear into a.... Clock!

Me-Oh no! I can't Bear to watch!!!!!!!!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DonnAwesome
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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Got rekt by my Political Science Professor

lecture about US political culture

Prof: You guys like magic

Class: Yeah!

Prof: Okay I need a volunteer

I raised my hand so he picked me

Prof: Okay pull out a dollar bill and point out the wings of the bald eagle

I do

Prof: Okay I want you to fold the bill 3 times long ways then hand it to me

i fold it then hand it to him

Prof: You can still see the wings right? okay I am now going to fold it sideways into 3rds then I want you to hold out 3 fingers with your palm up

he places the folded bill onto my fingers with the center third flat on my hand

Prof: now say wing 3 times

Me: Wing wing wing

prof picks up the bill and holds it up to his ear

Prof: Hello?? This is Professor Frank, who is this?

The whole class couldn't stop laughing for like 10 minutes xD

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SN1P3RJOE
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2015
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Little known biblical fact...

Cain didn’t kill his brother Abel until after he had killed their other two brothers, Edward and William Nigel. To be fair, they practically volunteered to be killed; after all, they were Eddy, Will N., and Abel.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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I really respect the folks who make and source small items for movies.

Props to them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSpaceCowboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2017
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Tree joke

I was volunteering at a tree-identification event at a local park with about 15 people from work when I chimed in on the following exchange.

Leader: Alright, we've identified a couple of types of maplewood. Can anyone tell me what kind of tree THIS is? (points to a tree)

Someone: is it... it's a Dogwood?

Leader: Very good! Can anyone tell us how we know that it's a Dogwood?

Me: Because of its... bark.

Everyone: groans into laughter

I took a bow (or bough).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lucifurnace
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2016
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Did you hear about the restaurant supply truck spill?

A truck delivering frozen restaurant foodstuffs had a major spill on the highway. Since it was early morning and the authorities wanted to avoid a melty mess, they sought volunteers to spread evenly along the ditch picking up frozen mozzarella sticks. It was a cheesy pickup line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TangoKiloBandit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
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My family was celebrating my nephew's birthday tonight

We started talking about making plans for Thanksgiving, and who could host. My brother in law started to offer his house, but then said "well I don't want to volunteer [his wife] - she's going to have a lot on her plate.

I replied, "It's Thanksgiving. We're all going to have a lot on our plates."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2017
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Need some creative help for making a t-shirt for a school group.

Using this image, can you give me a good catch phrase that is punny using around 7 letters or fewer, and having something to do with taxes, finance, helping people. The t-shirt is for a volunteer group at a law school that helps indigent people file taxes and participates in community education and advocacy in the area of financial literacy.

Thanks for all of your help!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beef_creature
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2013
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Retired Nazis and animals

Why did a group of retired Nazis volunteer at an animal clinic?

They were all veteran Arians.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_moonmonkey_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2017
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My son just graduated

My 11yo son just attended his first debating class yesterday. At one point, the teacher asked for volunteers to be chair. After the volunteer gets up my son raises his hand, points back to the chair the volunteer got up from and says: I think he may be better qualified than you.

Dead silence.

I'm so proud.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2015
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My wife and I planned the perfect date and then.

Wife: "now we just need to find someone to watch our kids"

Me: "well I'd volunteer, but I have a date!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JordanMichael08
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2014
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Last field trip my dad went on!

My sister took my dad on a field trip. He was reading a list of parent volunteers and saw another dad was called Mr. Pickle. So of course he says, 'Wow, he must be a really big pickle!' The kids just stared at him and Mr. Pickle was behind him, very tall and giving him a scary look. My dad mumbles, '-it's for the kids.' This is why my sister doesn't take our parents on field trips.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamJamKyogre
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
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Lowe's: A place for dads

At Lowe's volunteering my truck to move some lumber that a friend is using to make his girlfriend shelves. He and I are standing with the boards, distracting her kids while she settles up at the counter. Among the continuous babble from her youngest was "I'm thirsty." Simultaneously from three directions around him, my friend and I and a passing Lowe's employee:

"Hi thirsty, I'm Mike!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Dave!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Neil!"

We all shared a moment while mom shot us the most exhausted and disappointed look I've ever seen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BubbaFeets
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
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Dad at the zoo

My father volunteers at the zoo in Phoenix and so when we visit he loves to give us tours and lots of information about the animals we see.

We were walking by the coati exhibit and he was noting that coati can turn their feet backwards in order to more easily walk down trees. He then turned to my son and said, "their feet kind of look like bear feet, don't they?"

"Yeah," my son answered.

Dad then asked, "do you know why?"

My son was really interested and asked, "why?"

Completely deadpan, my father looked at him and said, "because they don't have any shoes on."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElkanahLinnell
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2016
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Adult diapers

My mom was giving me grief about how she used to change my diapers and stuff, to which I replied 'watch it, I'll be changing yours in a few years'

Dad (from the next room): glad to hear you volunteer to to that. It's a real... load...off my back.

Me: that's a pretty... dumpy ...way to treat your son.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeahifuck
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2014
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My daughter gets Dad Joked every week at school

She's in 2nd grade and every Friday (pizza day) her teachers Dad comes in to volunteer. He stops by her class and has this exchange:

Dad: Hey kids, I brought you all pizza!

Kids cheering: Where is it?

Dad: The cafeteria!

They all groan and walk off to wait in line for lunch, thinking they were going to have a pizza party. They fall for this every week.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HamiltonFAI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
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My wife volunteers as a crossing guard, but gets really mad at me when I tell everyone about it.

I say, β€œShe’s into human trafficking.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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This week I volunteered for the Russian developed Covid-19 vaccine...

I received my first shot yesterday at 4:00 pm, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshΞΊΞΉ Ο‡oρoshό я Ρ‡ΡƒΠ²ΡΡ‚Π²ΡƒΡŽ сСбя Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ странно ΠΈ я Π΄ΡƒΠΌΠ°ΡŽ, Ρ‡Ρ‚ΠΎ Π²Ρ‹Ρ‚Π°Ρ‰ΠΈΠ» ослиныС ΡƒΡˆΠΈ.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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