Stub Puns

A crisis

Fouchy!

Crack - a - toe - a!

Mother Fokker

He was hopping mad.

I fought the wall, and the wall won."

While handing out my teams paycheck stubs at work I told everyone to "Enjoy your checks while they last, you won't be getting paid for the rest of the year!"

C-ouch.

"It Hertz!!!!"

Au Au Au

They were angry that I used fowl language

The Hurt of two feetie.

My dad poked his head in and said: ¨You rang?¨

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

My dad would ask if he should call a toe truck. Every. Damn. Time.

Couch!

Ibuprofanities!

And I said back to her, "Oh, so you were born from a stub?"

Dad: pinches me in the arm

Me: "Ow!!! What was that for?!"

Dad: "There, now your toe doesn't hurt anymore.

every. fucking. time.

He went into a Blind Rage!!!

MOTHERF*CKER!

Me: "You called?"

Ow mitosis!

-" You need a Tow Truck!?"

When I start cursing and yelling, the old man chips in

"You have to be more careful, you'll end up breaking the door like that"

Thanks dad...

He stubbed his pota-toe

Sorry, wrong stub.

My dad stubbed his toe and I asked if he was okay, he said, "No son... I am dad."

Make them stub their toe.

There is profanity. However, pro- is short professional, and very few people actually cuss for a living (like maybe rappers, boxing/wrestling announcers and comedians). I'm sure nobody is getting paid when they stub their toe and let out a big long string of cuss words.

Stubbed my toe on the bottom step.

It was a party mostly with parents and their children.

A kid (about 5 years old) stubbed his toe and started crying.

One of the dads said, “Oh, you stubbed your toe? Want to to call the toe truck?”

I know it’s not fresh, but I laughed my ass off and was slightly bitter that I didn’t think of it.

Years ago my dad got his ring finger torn off, so now all he has is a little stub.

So now when he meets new people he puts ketchup on it and puts a Chinese finger trap on. He walks up to them and puts on a flustered face. When they tell him he needs to "push together" he replies with "don't be stupid that won't work!"

He then proceeds to yank his finger out.....that's my dad.

*I stub my toe.

Me- "Ow, my toe!"

Dad- "Better call a tow truck!"

Dad- "Heh, never gets old."

But does it?

What did members of the Politburo wear to keep cool in the summer?

A: Lenin suits

What did the Soviet General Secretary say when he slipped and fell on ice in front of the Kremlin?

A: That'll leave a Marx!

What did the Commissar say to the workers on the collective farm when they slacked off?

A: Stop Stalin and get to work!

What did the Chinese President say when he stubbed his toe?

A: Mao! That hurts!

An officer in the Iranian army is talking to a subordinate.

The officer says, "Private, I think it's gonna rain."

The private says, "You think so, sir? The sky is completely clear and the sun is shining."

20 minutes later it starts to rain, a total deluge ensues.

The private says, "That was an amazing prediction, sir!. It did rain!"

The officer looks at the private, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Private, Ayatollah you so."

Dad: men swear only when they stub their toes on a table.

The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.

The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didn’t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxer’s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasn’t hiring me for my looks and I wasn’t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.

Max Dad P.I. - that’s me. Private Investigator’s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and that’ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.

“So as I was saying, Mr Dad,” she began.

“Please, call me Max”

“Alright, Max… well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?”

“No that’s alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,” I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, “I’m sure it’ll be a brief case.”

I was ripping ticket stubs for an opera performance at my college last night when an older gentleman handed me his ticket and said, "I'm a colonel. Is that still okay?" His wife and I were a bit confused, but I said yes, that was perfectly fine.

"Well this ticket says 'General Admission,' but I'm only a colonel."

His wife groaned and I laughed. Highlight of my night.

He was hopping mad.

Dad: Oh no! We better call the toe truck.