They rushed me into the hospital with all my limbs detached, screaming in pain, but the doctor took one look at me and rolled his eyes.

β€œPull yourself together.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jollyben
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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Everyone’s bragging about how big their semi is

Odd I prefer my house detached

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sh_scotty
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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My wife groaned at this one (Not in the sexy way either...)

One of my wife's bosses is from China with the family name Wong.

Wife was telling me that said boss just had a baby a few months ago.

(At this moment, my dad powers started kicking in...)

Me: "Huh, that's cool. When her husband visits the office next time, you should ask them if the baby's Caucasian."

Wife: "What?! Why?"

Me: Cause I wanna know if two 'Wongs' make a 'White'..."

Her eyes rolled so hard they detached.

Edit: Thanks for front page folks! Glad I could make you laugh (or groan...)

Edit 2: Thank you for the gold!

Edit 3: WIFE'S IN THE THREAD!! Abort! Abort! Wee woo wee woo wee woo

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hephaestus1219
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2015
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What do you call an iphone whose screen came off ?

Detached retina

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zucc_the_lizard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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Dealing with some shit

I live on a sail boat and started what I thought would be a small project. I wanted to ensure that my toilet plumbing was working correctly before having a guest over so I turned on my macerator and began pumping clear water through the system to clean the toilet and clear the system completely. For those that don’t know, a macerator is basically a garbage disposal like you would have in your kitchen sink buttttt for your poop. It cuts up your poop and toilet paper so that it can be discarded over board in smaller pieces. Of course the pump wasn’t working correctly so I detached some plumbing, looked into the macerator motor and got way more into it than I had planned for. My guest was on her way and I didn’t want to necessarily tell her what I was dealing with because I didn’t want to gross her out. When she showed up I was just putting stuff away and had finished the project. Of course she asked what I was working on, I proclaim β€œ oh I just needed to deal with some shit” and left it at that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lzrdkng421
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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I was at a burlesque show and one of the performers had a wardrobe malfunction..

I leaned over to my wife and whispered "of corset didn't work"

she rolled her eyes so hard her retinas detached and she missed the rest of the performance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombie_riot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2016
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C-3PO: Dad-Cyborg relations

After his head was detached from the body of a droid by R2-D2 during the Jedi-droid battle on Geonosis:

"This is such a drag"

"I am quite beside myself"

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2015
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