An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are stranded on desert island.

Whilst gathering food, they find a magical golden lamp. The Englishman says β€œrub the lamp!” They do, and a genie appears. β€œI only have three wishes to offer,” he says, β€œso I’ll give you one wish each.

The Englishman says, β€œI’d like to be living in a penthouse in London with Β£1,000,000 in my bank account.” His wish is granted.

The Scotsman says β€œI’d love to live in a renovated Scottish castle with Β£2,000,000 in my bank account.” His wish is granted.

The genie then turns to the Irishman: β€œAnd what do you wish for?” The Irishman says to the genie, β€œIt’s getting a bit lonely here, can I have the other two back?”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LTAD2108
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them

So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HalalPork97
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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Got myself stranded today so I rang my wife. She called me an idiot but it’s been 45 minutes and they still haven’t turned up.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rurgtide
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
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Three men were stranded in the middle of a desert, and only allowed to bring one item for survival.

Bob asked Tom, β€œwhat did you bring?” β€œA bottle of water, I’m sure to get thirsty in a desert” replied Tom.

β€œWhat did you bring?” Tom asked. β€œThis sandwich. I figure I’m gonna get hungry what with all of the walking.” replied Bob.

Bob and Tom turn to the third man, and ask β€œForrest, what have you got there?” Forrest said, β€œI have a car door, if it gets too hot, I’ll roll down the window.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamkeerock
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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Two guys were stranded in a desert.

The first guy was named Jim and the second guy was named Joe. They were starving, and dying of thirst. They kept walking in one direction hoping that they would get out of the desert before they died. They had been lost a long time, and it wasn't looking good.

Then, in a stroke of good luck, they found an oasis. In the oasis there was plenty of water and trees growing. On the trees, was every kind of bacon imaginable. Crispy bacon, soft bacon, even Canadian bacon (even though it doesn't really count). Joe says, "I'm going to go eat some bacon."

So Joe goes and gets some bacon out of a low tree.

Just as he takes his first bite, a gremlin jumps out of the foliage, and stabs him in the back with a knife.

Joe is laying on the ground dying, and his friend Jim comes up to him. Joe says in a warning, "Jim run away. It's not safe here!"

"Why not?" Jim asked.

"This oasis isn't what it seems! It isn't a bacon tree, IT'S A HAM-BUSH!!!"

And he died.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xnightshade2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2017
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What did one stranded fisherman say to the other?

Cast away!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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Sherlock Holmes and John Watson are stranded on a deserted island

Sherlock says: We need to get off of this island!

Watson says: No ship, Sherlock!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FwostBytee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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3 Clowns were stranded on an island and had to resort to cannibalism.

One said to the other, β€œthis taste funny.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWhiteBuffarro
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
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Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie"

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: β€˜I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Teachdis
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2018
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If you ever get stranded on a desert island, light a bonfire on the beach

Trust me, it's a shore fire way to get attention

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onecalledtree
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2017
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Did you hear about the scientist that was stranded in space?

Their ideas were out of this world

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDipstick47837
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2018
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Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.

ME: ...And?

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoldaHolda
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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Why were the noodle strands running around?

They were looking for the impasta

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abhilashmurthy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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What did the one DNA strand say to the other one?

"Do these genes make me look fat?"

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Soylent_X
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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What do you call a small strand of DNA?

A ge-gnome.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silverscreen13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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When she saw her first strands of gray hair...

She thought she would dye.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whydoesthousmell
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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I work at an Italian restaurant that sells squash in strands like spaghetti

I think it's an inpasta

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ianlucky13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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A strand of rope wanted to join a sorority

In order for her to join, she has to tie herself up in all sorts of ways. So the head sister says, Can you knot?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guava_warlord
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2017
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I'm getting some strands of grey hair, but I don't know if I should dye it yet.

It's a grey area

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πŸ“…︎ May 29 2017
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My wife always records her haircut on her phone when she goes to the hairdressers.

I think she watches the highlights later.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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I was trapped between 2 empty shelves when the grocery closed for the evening...

I was stranded in a deserted aisle...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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three sisters

Three sisters stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each sister one wish.

β€œI want to go home,” says the oldest sister. The genie grants her wish.

β€œI want to go home, too,” says the youngest sister. And the genie sends her back home.

β€œI’m lonely,” says the middle child. β€œI sure wish my sisters were back here."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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What do you call the bad parts of Italy?

The sphagetto. (A singular strand of sphagetti is called a sphagetto)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leksp99
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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Early Christmas present from my son

So we're putting up the Christmas tree, one of the pre-lit ones. For several years the tree and I have battled over getting all of the lights to work. As I hit the switch and groan in dismay as several strands don't come on, my son pops up with "Gee dad, looks like that tree has you stumped".

It's been several days and he's still laughing at his own joke.

πŸ‘︎ 425
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmmagill
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
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No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the ends.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PewPewWizard2000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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It snow joke.

My wife's going out of town, and I mentioned that we should make a run to the grocery store before she leaves. In case either of us get stranded because of snow.

"I just want to make sure it snow problem."

groan

"Hey, you married me, and that snowbody's fault but yours.

Frantically grabs her overear headphones and puts them on. She hasn't yet plugged them in.

"Snow way you can't hear me!" I shout.

She scrambles for the cord plugging it in. A few minutes later she looks up.

"This is how I know you'll make a great dad."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OllieGarkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
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My dad likes to bust this one out every Christmas.

...Usually when we're decorating the tree or house.

ME: "Will you hand me that strand of colored lights?"

DAD: "Son, we don't call them that any more."

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/john_rage
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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My grandma just sent a chain email full of these. I'll just copy and paste them.

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for the use of words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

Here goes...

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/All_Hail_Dionysus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
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My wife doesn't think ahead

We're standing in the kitchen, I have a pork butt in the oven and she's hungry.

Wife: Is it close?

Me: Yes, it's in the oven.

She threatened me with a strand of hair...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckrockuhtree
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2015
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