Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stax3745
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
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Why did the ant name its middle segment "Stormbreaker"? reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielaurence
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
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I guess we can call the music in a segment of a popular Square Enix game...

Kingdom Hearts 3DM

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clapton_Coil
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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Why did the ant name its middle segment "Stormbreaker"? reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielaurence
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
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My favorite segment from the Canadian Show "Red Green" imgur.com/us3t507
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
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Dad made us all come in and watch a news segment

It was about the man in Texas who stole steaks from Walmart, then led police in a car chase and began throwing the steaks out the window. Dad made us all watch the entire segment just so he could tell us, "Looks like it was a steak-out!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sponch426
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2016
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Why dont eagles and eels breed?

Because its eeleagle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlobbyChong
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
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My family's on vacation in the US, and my dad keeps making the same joke whenever possible.

Dad: [Comments on something pointless]

Me: No one cares, dad.

Dad: I care.

Me: No one else does.

Dad: Obamacare.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperBlahXD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
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Lesson learned today: When the newscaster says, β€œIf you know anything about this crime, please contact the police...”

The cops get really pissed off if you call them and just repeat the news segment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
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My dad just texted me this so I think it counts.

Sorry about being a little out of touch the past couple of months. My business partner bailed on me in January and I'm in the process of forming a new corporation with a couple of investors, hiring a new bookkeeper (my expartner's wife used to do that), arranging a storage facility, moving offices and re-organizing staff. It has been hectic.

Part of my business model is consulting. I recently had an experience that proves the value of consulting & demonstrates how consultants can make a difference in an organization. I was very impressed. I think this is a segment that I can develop with financial help.

Last week, I went out with some friends to a new restaurant (Steve's Bistro & Provisional Ales). I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in t

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GHOSTWRlTlNG
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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French dadjoke that stumped Will Shortz on NPR

Heard this one on the radio during the Sunday Puzzle segment on NPR's Weekend America yesterday. A grandfatherly contestant on the program (named GΓ©rard) asked this riddle of NYTimes puzzlemaster and Yale enigmatologist Will Shortz:

"Two cats are competing to see who would win in a race swimming across the English Channel. The cats' names are One-Two-Three Cat and Un-Deux-Trois Cat. Who won?"

Shortz was stumped. The contestant answered the riddle saying:

"The English cat, One-Two-Three Cat won because Un-Deux-Trois-Quatre-Cinq."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bachrock37
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2014
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She just rolled her eyes.

Mom and dad were watching a segment on the morning news about memory pills. Dad says, "I read something about those things, but I don't remember what it was."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lautzy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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My boss dropped this one at our team meeting.

We have a 10 minute safety/health segment before each meeting, and one of the suggestions in the presentation was to reduce alcohol intake.

My boss, about a colleague who loves his drink but recently had liver issues -

"Yeah, Dave doesn't drink anymore...he just doesn't drink any less." WINK

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haskens
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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Discovery channel dad joke

So we were watching the discovery channel and a short segment on whales comes on. During the ad break I yawn really loudly and explain that I'm just making whale noises. It's at this moment that my dad says "well you're doing very whale then!"

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God dammit dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boomerangblom
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2014
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In the international line at the airport

Me: I hate lines! Dad: So you like triangles, squares, and rectangle? Me: dad stop Dad: well technically it's a line segment, a line would go on forever. Me: Dad stop talking

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πŸ‘€︎ u/evmitch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2014
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Dad Joke on the Today Show

Today Show has a segment where they makeover rooms in people's houses.

Some guy tweeted at them that they need to makeover his dad's basement.

They interview the dad and his son this morning before they makeover the room.

Interview: So, Michael, what do you think about your son tweeting for help?

Dad: Well, I think he's a real tweetheart.

crickets

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flamepants
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
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Apothems

Got dad-joked by the old man during Geometry finals studying: Dad: Whats an apothem? Me:a line segment of a regular polygon from the center to the midpoint of one of its sides. Dad:Oh, I thought it was something you hit on the roadgrins

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πŸ“…︎ May 23 2014
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