Did you hear that Superman and Batman are splitting off to form their own team?

They’re calling themselves the Just Us League.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mlnkoly111
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
When I'm splitting a plate of calamari...

...it's squid pro quo.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/plushcoots
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife accused me of splitting hairs during an argument

It's only because I don't use conditioner.

She pushed me out of the bed.

πŸ‘︎ 443
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/czolg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2015
🚨︎ report
I killed someone while splitting wood today

Im getting off though, they deemed it an axe-ident

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WookaTV
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2017
🚨︎ report
How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Caesars.

πŸ‘︎ 440
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I like the simplicity of split firewood.

It's pretty cut and dry.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you split the ocean in half?

With a sea saw

πŸ‘︎ 346
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sss69sss
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."

"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend to said to me "there's no situation where a contraction makes sense but its split from doesnt"

I said "aren't there?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Short_Artist_Girl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Mom said split the chores, well. . .

"I am Iron Man"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ebatm3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when people in Russia are split up?

Sergei-gation.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bishop825
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
"The Epic Split" featuring Jean Claude Van Damme
πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/michael_v92
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do you learn to make banana splits?

In sundae school!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FWRFWRFWR
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
An Amoeba predicted that it would successfully split itself in two.

It was a cell fulfilling prophecy

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/g1flash23
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I wood split it too
πŸ‘︎ 99
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AnlakySloth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Lickity split
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerX40
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
The first guy that figured out how to split an atom,

must’ve been blown away

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xJacon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.

They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stormbreaker636
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
They were split apart
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kennced
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
"Do you want to split an apple with me?"

I asked.

FiancΓ© answers, "Sure, do you want to eat it too?"

πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crescuesanimals
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the skyscraper that split in half?

The engineers say the contractors didn't build it to specifications. The contractors say the engineers didn't design it right.

All I know is that there are 2 sides to every story.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/literally_a_brick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Warning PG

Woodehouse will have you in splits!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said how flexible are you? I said I can’t do Fridays.
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Volemort splits his soul and puts part of it into a prostitute

Now he has a new whorecrux

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/steven8765
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Ending segregation was a split decision.
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/clit_or_us
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the professional bowler who was also a gymnast?

She did splits well!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a tornado splits into two?

A cyCLONE!!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PringleMuffin123
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I have split up over my obsession with horoscopes..

In the end it Taurus apart.

πŸ‘︎ 286
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leww_ap
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
🚨︎ report
It's grammatically incorrect to actually use a split infinitive
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Korokus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Ceasars.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
"I have a split personality disorder"

Said Tom being Frank

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheViralClovers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œI have a split personality,” said Tom, being Frank.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deanosuprema
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you split the ocean in half?

With a sea-saw.

πŸ‘︎ 401
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BabaShaka
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?

They had no chemistry

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dex_77
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Who split the Red Sea using diffusion?

Os-moses.

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CoolDude777777777
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a split personality

Said Tom, being frank

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gearidall_M_Grey
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the banana cross the road?

Because it wasn’t peeling well

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Ceasars.

πŸ‘︎ 112
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gertjan-96
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do you learn to make banana splits?

At sundae school.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.

I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RebelRaven94
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
At amusement parks, when the line splits, we never pick the right line.

We always go left.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/masterzeus2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
"I have a split personality"

Said Tom, being frank.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gregofdeath
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do you learn to make banana splits?

At sundae school.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can't you trust atoms?

Because they make everything up

credit to a really cool dood from r/memes

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jurrasicsquid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Split a steak with a friend the other night after having an argument.

He ended up still having a beef with me

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/petsarenice
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report

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