A child in Egypt got separated from her mom in the crowd and was looking for her but got confused.

Because there were so many mummies.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lunarmeric
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My kids were watching a show about identical twins re-united after being separated at birth, and in disbelief that they were wearing matching outfits when they met up.

I said, well, they do have the same genes.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zion2199
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A recently separated man walks into a bar and says

"I'll have a marriage on the rocks"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterCheezOtter
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?

I think I'll call it a day.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielaurence
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the married couple that separated because the husband didn’t like his wife’s coffee?

It was grounds for divorce.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.

I lost interest in that relationship.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Necrophagous-
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad makes sure that ripe pears are separated from those that are not.

This way there's no pear pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomGuyNumber1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Your mom and I went shopping for home decor, but we got separated and she couldn't find me.

Turns out I was standing in the blinds spot.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stretch85
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Granny was reading a recipe out loud; 1 cup sugar, 1 cup sugar, 2 eggs separated...

My dad chimes in: why can't they be happily married?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Gnome
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm always sure to keep my toothpaste and dental tape separated...

...so as to avoid floss-contamination.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSidewalkSlam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Half a dozen Indians separated from Hinduism to join another religion. Unfortunately, this troubled them greatly and they fell ill when they branched off into their own religious group.

If you want to join you need to seek six sick Sikhs sect.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/janus10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2017
🚨︎ report
I was separated from my mother at birth...

Don't worry, it's a standard medical procedure.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seananiganzx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear they separated the conjoined twins?

Now, one brother's all that's left.

Don't worry though. The other one is all right.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taodyn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2013
🚨︎ report
How does the world's largest bird feel when he is separated from his friends?

Ostricized

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CosmoRealmer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2013
🚨︎ report
My roommate and her husband are separated, so she called her dad.

She put him on speakerphone so I could provide support if needed. When she explained their separation, he responded with: "well your mother and I are separated, too."
Her: "What? No you aren't... are you?"
Her dad: "Sure we are! She's in the living room and I'm in the kitchen."

Damnit, Doug.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hrb2492
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2015
🚨︎ report
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.

My response: Not sure son, that’s kind of a grey area.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I was taught to never use the Oxford comma

by Mrs. Henderson, my high school English teacher and a first-rate whore.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are female prisoners kept in separate prisons?

Because most prisoners are in cells.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Masked_Death
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend told me, β€œYour wife and daughter look like twins!”

I said, β€œWell, they were separated at birth.”

πŸ‘︎ 23k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Separating eggs...

Is no yolk

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, ...

an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops the

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chainz4Dayz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The fault after the earthquake was separating the kitchen from my man cave...

The earthquake caused a rift in my marriage.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you separate eggs?

You put each egg in a different place.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SittingInFear
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What separates men from boys?

from

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-other-alt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I read a story about twin brothers born with a single body and shared organs.

Age 6 they were separated in a successful 13hr surgery. Later in life they went to prison for armed robbery. They served 10yrs. Afterwards they wrote their book about being ex-con joined twins.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshWithaQ
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm trying to stick to the six feet of separation guidelines...

...but my wife refuses to sleep on the couch.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StateOfContusion
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Lit on two separate levels
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greengo122
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What separates a canine family tree from other species?

The bark.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dcapz87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are bill in the bank stored separately?

Because they want to be a loan

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marakchuja
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m proud of my daughter.

Son: What is cottage cheese? Me: Cheese you eat in a cottage. Wife: When curds and whey separate. Daughter: This is the way!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OverKast78
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A man takes his wife to an unusual restaurant where you must stand in separate lines for each food item ...

As they sit down, the husband offers to go get their dinner. First he waits in line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for the potatoes. He he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, the salad line, and even the gravy line.

He finally returns to the table with two heaping plates of food. β€œWhat would you like to drink?” he asks.

β€œA glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So off he goes to get it. He finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, a line for milk, even a line for water. After considering all of his options he gives up and returns to the table empty-handed.

Sometimes there is no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Curmudgeon1836
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Unlike Judaism, a ceremonial ritual for slaughtered food is not practiced in Christianity.

That's separation of church and steak.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/derdody
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What separates the Uninformed from the Uniformed

A single letter β€œn”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kor3nse
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Can someone help me out with a name pun with the name Nina and Olivia? (Separate) thanks.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ASDFGHJKL_101
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
this dude at my school had two separate hit lists. we all knew who was on the white one, but the blacklist? no clue.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/erdankely
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you know what separates a dad joke from a bad joke?

I cannot tell you. You'll just have to C for yourself.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TreatasaurusRex
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
what separates ireland and iceland?

nothing but a c

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dnkXmmsXbrknXdrms
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the line that separates a regular joke from a dad joke?

The punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 286
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πŸ‘€︎ u/janus10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Is "buttcheeks" one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy just told me that my wife and my daughter look like sisters.

I told him, β€œWell, they were separated at birth.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
[Grocery Store] β€œOk. Milk..check. Bread...check. Bacon..check.”

Cashier: Sir, please stop writing checks for each item separately.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters...

Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins...

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I soda not see that comming
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrwaffleMssyrup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So, I have an uncle once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My father was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report

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