"I'll have a marriage on the rocks"
I think I'll call it a day.
It was grounds for divorce.
I lost interest in that relationship.
This way there's no pear pressure.
Turns out I was standing in the blinds spot.
My dad chimes in: why can't they be happily married?
If you want to join you need to seek six sick Sikhs sect.
...so as to avoid floss-contamination.
Don't worry, it's a standard medical procedure.
Now, one brother's all that's left.
Don't worry though. The other one is all right.
She put him on speakerphone so I could provide support if needed. When she explained their separation, he responded with: "well your mother and I are separated, too."
Her: "What? No you aren't... are you?"
Her dad: "Sure we are! She's in the living room and I'm in the kitchen."
I have an uncle, once removed.
...but my wife refuses to sleep on the couch.
Because they want to be a loan
I have an uncle, once removed.
As they sit down, the husband offers to go get their dinner. First he waits in line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for the potatoes. He he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, the salad line, and even the gravy line.
He finally returns to the table with two heaping plates of food. “What would you like to drink?” he asks.
“A glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So off he goes to get it. He finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, a line for milk, even a line for water. After considering all of his options he gives up and returns to the table empty-handed.
Sometimes there is no punch line.
A single letter “n”
Or should I spread them apart?
I cannot tell you. You'll just have to C for yourself.
nothing but a c
I told him, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
A Southern minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service.
But the cashier keeps putting them back.
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins...
It’s laundry day.
Nope, Ural good
We need to know which way is shortest to school.
The punch line.
A Soviet Reunion
I work in a library.
At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.
One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.
The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.
The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.
In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the cur... keep reading on reddit ➡
So I told my wife I’d be eating in the living room from now on.
He got in a load of trouble.
Me: Well, they were separated at birth.
Worked like a charm, I really feel like I am in de pen dent
Separated at mirth
But her aim is getting better.
sectionally transmitted diseases!
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
The surface of the water.
Dad: "No checks please."
which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"
And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.
I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.
But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.
With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and propose... keep reading on reddit ➡
...he's just using them to get high
He tells the investigators that he will Rick-use himself from the investigation.
“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”
No. Fingers should be eaten separately.
(My dad's favorite)
There was two farms next to each other, separated by a long fence. The two farmers were called nick and Barry. They were both very resourceful farmers, using each and every square inch of land to grow on. Both would tend to their crops twice a day every single day, and became friends. However, both farmers were penny pinchers, and would often try and take a few extra crops from the other side of the fence, which lead to arguments. One day, Barry came out to tend his crops, but nick did not appear once. This continued for several days. Both sets of crops continued to grow, along and up the fence, eventually intertwining. Both farmers were growing wheat. After around 5 days, Barry came out and to his delight, saw nick tending to his harvest. However, this delight soon changed to frustration as he saw nick taking extra crops from his side. "Where have you been, and what do you think you're doing?" He exclaimed. "I'm taking in my wheat, and I haven't been out for a few days due to illness.... keep reading on reddit ➡
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I recall from my youth, a time of great adventure. My friends and I on safari hunting the Great North-American Man-Eating Female Butt-Ox.
The hunt was difficult and expensive. Once one has been identified as an acceptable specimen you need to slow its wits and dull its decision making process. This is best accomplished with loud music, flashing lights and alcohol. But even then the hunt can be foiled by rushing in to early. If you're successful, you then need to separate it from the pack. This is the trickiest bit as less than ideal pack members will often fight ruthlessly to "protect" your target.
But even the most successful outings are not without risk. On several occasions I found myself entangled in a wrestling match for hours. But there lies the fruit of the hunt...
The action would be sold separately.
An art critic was judging paintings at an event.
The first one was a bland painting of the earth. not too bad, but nothing out of this world.
The second one was a blank painting. Why they even turned it it, don’t ask.
The third one though. The third one was a beautifully crafted painting of a sheep.
The art critic turned to the artist. All they had to say was, “Wow, I am wooly astonished. The shear amount of detail of this art ewe made, which definitely lambs you into first place. This might be way pasture standards, but too baaad, don’t be sheepish. This piece definitely separates the sheep from the goats, it will definitely farm you some moo-lah.
nothing , it just waved
Cause, "You gotta keep 'em separated!"
...It's all in the delivery.
So we were talking about what separates humanity from the rest of the animal kingdom, and we got on the subject of mice. Prof had mentioned that a mouse will laugh if you tickle it's belly, but you can't tell it a good joke. My reply: "it might if it's really cheesy"
Fortunately, the restaurant was used to separate czechs
She thought the song was too sad for rollerskating. I completely agreed and said there should definitely be a separation of church and skate.
My wife and I were recently at a small local zoo with our 1-year-old son, and we approached an exhibit with a couple of ravens.
Wife: "It's so sad that the ravens are separated by a fence"
Me, out of nowhere: "I know, they're like Crow-meo and Juliet"
Her eyes rolled back so hard I thought I was at Walmart
The side of it that separates the plastic is really cutting-edge technology.
For example, they’re both often asked to separate Czechs
It was a separation of church and steak
She was buying tickets to a show, and the theater is separated into two sections.
Her: "Do you want to sit in the upper or lower section?"
Me: "Top or bottom. It doesn't matter, I'm bi-sectional."
I got a good glare, and a sense that I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight.
... with my partner yesterday. We were just browsing through the doors aisle, got a little separated. He called me over, said I should see the next aisle. I asked why and he said, "It's more doors." I replied, "One does not simply walk into more doors!"
Three college students (Jim, Tom, and Steve) decided to stay overnight in an abandoned house that was supposedly haunted, all to prove that there was nothing supernatural there. They decided to sleep in separate rooms to increase chances of scary things happening. Each room was connected to one long hallway which lead to some stairs. After a while, the three called it a night and went to their separate rooms.
At midnight, Jim woke up to the sound of a scream coming from one of the rooms. He ran out into the hall where he met Steve, who also had just woken up. They walked into Tom’s room, and he was nowhere to be found. “Surely this must be a prank” thought Jim, and he and Steve decided to go back to bed. He slept for almost an hour when Jim woke up to another scream coming from a different room. He ran into the hall, and this time Steve did not join him. He walked into Steve’s room, and noticed that Steve had completely vanished. Still in the mindset that this was a prank by his two f... keep reading on reddit ➡
Separation of church and steak
Maybe this isn't the sub for this, but here goes...
Her: I'm struggling to say [obvious typo] motivated today...
Me: Its okay - just sound it out.
It took her a second to get it, but I could feel her rolling her eyes across the distance that separates us.
She insists on separating the “colored” from the “whites” when doing laundry.
Hey guys. I need help with a pun, I've been thinking about it for a while and haven't come up with it. In Portuguese you informally say "xau" when you're saying goodbye to someone (sound's almost as the Italian "ciao"). I have a friend who always makes this funny pun when we're going our separate ways, he always says "Xau-sescu" (Ceaușescu - as in the Romanian dictator) and for a few months I've been looking for a nice comeback to that pun. I was looking for a way to incorporate the name of a dictator and the word "goodbye" (in any language possible), but so far I haven't been able to. Could you guys help me out? In my native language, Portuguese, I haven't come up with anything cool (my knowleadge in dictator's names is also not very vast).
It was a separation of church and slate.
I saw this on /r/aww and posted it on FB:
My fiance commented and said "OMG, I want to do that!"
I replied "I suppose I can build you an enclosure, but having you separated from the rest of us might confuse the kids..."