A recently separated man walks into a bar and says

"I'll have a marriage on the rocks"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterCheezOtter
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?

I think I'll call it a day.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielaurence
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the married couple that separated because the husband didn’t like his wife’s coffee?

It was grounds for divorce.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.

I lost interest in that relationship.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Necrophagous-
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad makes sure that ripe pears are separated from those that are not.

This way there's no pear pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomGuyNumber1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Your mom and I went shopping for home decor, but we got separated and she couldn't find me.

Turns out I was standing in the blinds spot.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stretch85
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Granny was reading a recipe out loud; 1 cup sugar, 1 cup sugar, 2 eggs separated...

My dad chimes in: why can't they be happily married?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Gnome
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Half a dozen Indians separated from Hinduism to join another religion. Unfortunately, this troubled them greatly and they fell ill when they branched off into their own religious group.

If you want to join you need to seek six sick Sikhs sect.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/janus10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm always sure to keep my toothpaste and dental tape separated...

...so as to avoid floss-contamination.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSidewalkSlam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2016
🚨︎ report
I was separated from my mother at birth...

Don't worry, it's a standard medical procedure.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seananiganzx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear they separated the conjoined twins?

Now, one brother's all that's left.

Don't worry though. The other one is all right.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taodyn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2013
🚨︎ report
How does the world's largest bird feel when he is separated from his friends?

Ostricized

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CosmoRealmer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2013
🚨︎ report
My roommate and her husband are separated, so she called her dad.

She put him on speakerphone so I could provide support if needed. When she explained their separation, he responded with: "well your mother and I are separated, too."
Her: "What? No you aren't... are you?"
Her dad: "Sure we are! She's in the living room and I'm in the kitchen."

Damnit, Doug.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hrb2492
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
What separates men from boys?

from

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-other-alt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
🚨︎ report
I'm trying to stick to the six feet of separation guidelines...

...but my wife refuses to sleep on the couch.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StateOfContusion
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
What separates a canine family tree from other species?

The bark.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dcapz87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
🚨︎ report
Lit on two separate levels
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greengo122
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are bill in the bank stored separately?

Because they want to be a loan

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/marakchuja
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My father was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A man takes his wife to an unusual restaurant where you must stand in separate lines for each food item ...

As they sit down, the husband offers to go get their dinner. First he waits in line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for the potatoes. He he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, the salad line, and even the gravy line.

He finally returns to the table with two heaping plates of food. β€œWhat would you like to drink?” he asks.

β€œA glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So off he goes to get it. He finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, a line for milk, even a line for water. After considering all of his options he gives up and returns to the table empty-handed.

Sometimes there is no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Curmudgeon1836
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What separates the Uninformed from the Uniformed

A single letter β€œn”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kor3nse
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
this dude at my school had two separate hit lists. we all knew who was on the white one, but the blacklist? no clue.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/erdankely
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Is this a pun?
πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImNewHere05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
Can someone help me out with a name pun with the name Nina and Olivia? (Separate) thanks.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ASDFGHJKL_101
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Is "buttcheeks" one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you know what separates a dad joke from a bad joke?

I cannot tell you. You'll just have to C for yourself.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TreatasaurusRex
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I soda not see that comming
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrwaffleMssyrup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
what separates ireland and iceland?

nothing but a c

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dnkXmmsXbrknXdrms
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy just told me that my wife and my daughter look like sisters.

I told him, β€œWell, they were separated at birth.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Four Worms and a lesson

A Southern minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
Every time I go into a retail store, I always want to buy an item separator.

But the cashier keeps putting them back.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mewtwo_Nex
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters...

Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins...

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
🚨︎ report
"Is it weird if I really like the mountains that separate Europe from Asia?"

Nope, Ural good

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dayman__aAa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Listen kids, your mum and I have decided to go separate ways

We need to know which way is shortest to school.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rawSingularity
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the line that separates a regular joke from a dad joke?

The punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 287
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πŸ‘€︎ u/janus10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a bunch of communists get together after a long separation?

A Soviet Reunion

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBoiBobbyBones
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
🚨︎ report
If cosine is the denominator and sine is the numerator, what separates them?

The tanline

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Howardyoudoing95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend asked me what I do for a living. I said I separate fact from fiction.

I work in a library.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshP99
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the cur

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
🚨︎ report
The doctor told me to separate the fats from carbohydrates for dinner.

So I told my wife I’d be eating in the living room from now on.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b8410
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A husband was doing laundry and forgot to separate his wife's white dress from his new red shirt.

He got in a load of trouble.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zanman28
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Friend: Your wife and daughter look like they could be twins!

Me: Well, they were separated at birth.

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
"Hey Garth, do you know that separating milk solids can yield a nutritious protein liquid?" "No way!"

"Whey!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
🚨︎ report
This is advanced
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BossRediter87
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
🚨︎ report
I've been having some separation anxiety recently, and my Jamaican psychiatrist recommended that I bend an old pen around my finger as an exercise in self-assurance

Worked like a charm, I really feel like I am in de pen dent

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrOontzOontz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call two people who share the same sense of humor but have never met?

Separated at mirth

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bellicose_buddha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
After our separation my wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rigatavr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Facebook has over 2 billion users, That is as big as the whole of christianity, Forget that, it is bigger than hinduism and islam. Although facebook’s messenger is probably the worst.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/obaidraf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
When furniture shopping, I insisted that we buy a couch and lounge chair separately. We can’t risk getting...

sectionally transmitted diseases!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

πŸ‘︎ 492
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What separates humans from dolphins?

The surface of the water.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Waiter: "Are there separate checks or together?"

Dad: "No checks please."

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Real_Goose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2017
🚨︎ report
All year, I've been telling my friends I just want to meet someone, fall in love be married by my next birthday...

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and propose

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad is addicted to buying ladders...

...he's just using them to get high

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mellon_coliee
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
How does Rick Astley separate himself from an investigation?

He tells the investigators that he will Rick-use himself from the investigation.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WalkingDown46
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
🚨︎ report
[grocery store] Ok, milk...check, eggs...check, tomatoes...check.

β€œSir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Should chicken be eaten with your fingers?

No. Fingers should be eaten separately.

(My dad's favorite)

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mcmlxi1013
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I wish I liked organic peanut butter but I can't get past the separation anxiety
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incidesi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2017
🚨︎ report
My three favorite things are eating my kids and not using commas.
πŸ‘︎ 321
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coot32
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
My mom was telling dadjokes

He laughed

πŸ‘︎ 197
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ibbit0
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Two Farms

There was two farms next to each other, separated by a long fence. The two farmers were called nick and Barry. They were both very resourceful farmers, using each and every square inch of land to grow on. Both would tend to their crops twice a day every single day, and became friends. However, both farmers were penny pinchers, and would often try and take a few extra crops from the other side of the fence, which lead to arguments. One day, Barry came out to tend his crops, but nick did not appear once. This continued for several days. Both sets of crops continued to grow, along and up the fence, eventually intertwining. Both farmers were growing wheat. After around 5 days, Barry came out and to his delight, saw nick tending to his harvest. However, this delight soon changed to frustration as he saw nick taking extra crops from his side. "Where have you been, and what do you think you're doing?" He exclaimed. "I'm taking in my wheat, and I haven't been out for a few days due to illness.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/harryjrogers20
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone just complimented my wife and told her that she and our daughter looked like twins.

I said, β€œWell, they were separated at birth.”

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Buwanna

I recall from my youth, a time of great adventure. My friends and I on safari hunting the Great North-American Man-Eating Female Butt-Ox.

The hunt was difficult and expensive. Once one has been identified as an acceptable specimen you need to slow its wits and dull its decision making process. This is best accomplished with loud music, flashing lights and alcohol. But even then the hunt can be foiled by rushing in to early. If you're successful, you then need to separate it from the pack. This is the trickiest bit as less than ideal pack members will often fight ruthlessly to "protect" your target.

But even the most successful outings are not without risk. On several occasions I found myself entangled in a wrestling match for hours. But there lies the fruit of the hunt...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m so lazy, if I were an action figure,

The action would be sold separately.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried too hard.

An art critic was judging paintings at an event.

The first one was a bland painting of the earth. not too bad, but nothing out of this world.

The second one was a blank painting. Why they even turned it it, don’t ask.

The third one though. The third one was a beautifully crafted painting of a sheep.

The art critic turned to the artist. All they had to say was, β€œWow, I am wooly astonished. The shear amount of detail of this art ewe made, which definitely lambs you into first place. This might be way pasture standards, but too baaad, don’t be sheepish. This piece definitely separates the sheep from the goats, it will definitely farm you some moo-lah.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PorpoleyPolarBear
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the ocean say to the shore?

nothing , it just waved

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gamertron20000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
When the Offspring play live they all perform on a partitioned stage...

Cause, "You gotta keep 'em separated!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterManiacal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What sperates a dad joke from other jokes?

...It's all in the delivery.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dalek2093
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Got my whole class with this gem...

So we were talking about what separates humanity from the rest of the animal kingdom, and we got on the subject of mice. Prof had mentioned that a mouse will laugh if you tickle it's belly, but you can't tell it a good joke. My reply: "it might if it's really cheesy"

badum, tiss

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
🚨︎ report
I broke it off with your mother while we were at a restaurant in Prague last week. I was worried it would be super awkward.

Fortunately, the restaurant was used to separate czechs

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
🚨︎ report
A friend was lamenting that "Take Me To Church" was playing at her son's rollerskating birthday party...

She thought the song was too sad for rollerskating. I completely agreed and said there should definitely be a separation of church and skate.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/martyz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2016
🚨︎ report
My first spontaneous dad-joke!

My wife and I were recently at a small local zoo with our 1-year-old son, and we approached an exhibit with a couple of ravens.

Wife: "It's so sad that the ravens are separated by a fence"

Me, out of nowhere: "I know, they're like Crow-meo and Juliet"

Her eyes rolled back so hard I thought I was at Walmart

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geropy86
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
🚨︎ report
Those boxes with the plastic wrap are pretty cool.

The side of it that separates the plastic is really cutting-edge technology.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajd011394
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Divorce attorneys and waiters in Prague have a lot in common

For example, they’re both often asked to separate Czechs

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the priest that had to stop serving red meat at his sermons?

It was a separation of church and steak

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clifwith1f
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2018
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Came out to my girlfriend today...

She was buying tickets to a show, and the theater is separated into two sections.

Her: "Do you want to sit in the upper or lower section?"

Me: "Top or bottom. It doesn't matter, I'm bi-sectional."

I got a good glare, and a sense that I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slippernator
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2016
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So, I was at the hardware store...

... with my partner yesterday. We were just browsing through the doors aisle, got a little separated. He called me over, said I should see the next aisle. I asked why and he said, "It's more doors." I replied, "One does not simply walk into more doors!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StellaTerra
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2016
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This is my dad’s favorite joke, and it’s completely awful

Three college students (Jim, Tom, and Steve) decided to stay overnight in an abandoned house that was supposedly haunted, all to prove that there was nothing supernatural there. They decided to sleep in separate rooms to increase chances of scary things happening. Each room was connected to one long hallway which lead to some stairs. After a while, the three called it a night and went to their separate rooms.

At midnight, Jim woke up to the sound of a scream coming from one of the rooms. He ran out into the hall where he met Steve, who also had just woken up. They walked into Tom’s room, and he was nowhere to be found. β€œSurely this must be a prank” thought Jim, and he and Steve decided to go back to bed. He slept for almost an hour when Jim woke up to another scream coming from a different room. He ran into the hall, and this time Steve did not join him. He walked into Steve’s room, and noticed that Steve had completely vanished. Still in the mindset that this was a prank by his two f

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlatinumPoptart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
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Why don't Hindus eat beef?

Separation of church and steak

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πŸ“…︎ May 30 2016
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That gif with the guy throwing a cigarette into a pipe sure is blowing up

https://gfycat.com/AstonishingSeparateIberianmidwifetoad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hideous_coffee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2017
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Got my girlfriend over IM

Maybe this isn't the sub for this, but here goes...

Her: I'm struggling to say [obvious typo] motivated today...

Me: Its okay - just sound it out.

It took her a second to get it, but I could feel her rolling her eyes across the distance that separates us.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ARCdotcom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2016
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I think my wife may be a racist..

She insists on separating the β€œcolored” from the β€œwhites” when doing laundry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoT-RexFatalities
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2018
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Need help with a pun, please

Hey guys. I need help with a pun, I've been thinking about it for a while and haven't come up with it. In Portuguese you informally say "xau" when you're saying goodbye to someone (sound's almost as the Italian "ciao"). I have a friend who always makes this funny pun when we're going our separate ways, he always says "Xau-sescu" (CeauΘ™escu - as in the Romanian dictator) and for a few months I've been looking for a nice comeback to that pun. I was looking for a way to incorporate the name of a dictator and the word "goodbye" (in any language possible), but so far I haven't been able to. Could you guys help me out? In my native language, Portuguese, I haven't come up with anything cool (my knowleadge in dictator's names is also not very vast).

Thanks!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pauloliveira94
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2017
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Two thieves stole all of the roof tiles from the village church...

It was a separation of church and slate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KZedUK
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
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Dadjoked my fiance on FB

I saw this on /r/aww and posted it on FB:

http://i.imgur.com/hbiU3wG.jpg

My fiance commented and said "OMG, I want to do that!"

I replied "I suppose I can build you an enclosure, but having you separated from the rest of us might confuse the kids..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
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