I walked into my house after slipping and falling in my garden...

My son noticed that I had brown all over my shorts.

Son: β€œWhat happened, dad?”

Me: β€œWell, son, I appear to have soiled myself.”

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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I tried to burn my friend a new arsehole by slipping chili peppers into his food, but things didn't go as planned when he switched dishes on me.

It backfired.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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When you know two languages and words from both of them start slipping away from you... Byelingual
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/24Preludes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
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Our family went on a long hike, and our youngest son kept slipping and falling. My wife comforted him, saying, "Don't worry, honey, after we get through this snowy part it's all cake after that." "Don't believe a word she says," I interjected...

"There's no cake, it's all just rocks and dirt."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cronenberg_C137
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
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On seeing a video of a dude jumping on a table, slipping, and crashing to the ground

"You know what that's called? Parfloor"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clone9786
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2016
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How many Freudian Slips does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two: one to change the bulb, and one to hold me, mother hold the ladder.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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My hand slipped off the handle of the casket while carrying it to the hearse and left a deep bruise on my leg.

I was appalled.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing

and mean your mother.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirFrankPork
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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One of my friends slipped in the bed of his truck and knocked himself out....

He fell in Tacoma.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aWayCup
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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If you slip and fall in your driveway...

It's your own asphalt.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flo_ren_tine
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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I asked the librarian where books about oil were located.

She said try the non-friction section.

πŸ‘︎ 359
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EgonVector
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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What did the beaver say when it slipped on water?

Damn it...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mechanicfantic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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Some of my pun-tastic Halloween costumes throughout the years: Reverse Cowgirl, Edgar Allan Ho, and Freudian Slip.
πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog shit

A lady came up behind me and slipped as well, I said I just did that, she slapped me and said use the toilet next time

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjaxson1111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Today I slipped and fell while walking out to the car.

I was pissed. I was mad. I looked everywhere for the cause. But alas, it was my own asphalt.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kristhebrown
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Slipped on a pumpkin today

It caught me off gourd

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoteppeter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Italian chef that slipped in the kitchen?

Yeah, he pasta away.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MangoDangoLango
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter's teacher gave her a project to write the English alphabet on slips of paper. Unfortunately 25 letter slips got wrinkled on her way to school.

But atleast she has a smoothie

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnotherKakkar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07

πŸ‘︎ 594
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_nameless_one
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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What kind of slippers does Aquaman wear around the house?

Water Moccasins.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/static612
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs.

Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...

I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.

I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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Such a classic and unoriginal, but my dad just slipped this in a conversation.

I had a cold and my dad asked if my nose was running.

I said yes.

He said, You had better catch it then

I love my dad

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RekYaAll
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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A pirate walk into a bar

The bartender comes to him and says 'you look different now, is anything wrong'

Pirate: 'Oh nothing'

'What about your leg, where did it go'

'I boarded a ship, slipped and it got eaten by a shark'

'What about the hook, where did the hand go'

'I lost it in a heated swordfight'

'Then how did you get the eyepatch'

'I was cleaning the deck and a bird pooped in it'

'That doesn't make any sense, how can you get an eyepatch from a bird pooping in your eye'

'It was my first day with the hook'

πŸ‘︎ 260
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brony_kid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call sandals with no traction?

Slip Flops

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PHPWarrior
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife just got on me about a pretty smelly fart that slipped out...

I told her it was important to do self checks for the loss of smell in the time of the pandemic.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mojoeohjoe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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I have a pair of slip-on sandals for housework and another pair of slip-on sandals for yardwork.

I refer to them as my In-slides and my Out-slides.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
There’s many a slip twixt 'keeper and gully
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jjoojjoojj
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to tell a butter joke

But the margarine for error was too big

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, quietly slip them under the refrigerator.

Soon it will be water under the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the banana forget to take out the garbage?

It slipped his mind.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jokesonyoumate1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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Last week I tried an all banana diet.

I didn’t find it very appealing.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mconion
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
My neighbor slipped and broke his arm.

My wife didn’t think it was funny, but I thought it was quite humerus.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/assafstone
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A Norwegian fell down a canyon.

It was a Fjordian slip.

πŸ’πŸ“πŸ’

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?

Chicken strips.

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexdist1994
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’m fallen on some hard Times.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the joke about butter?

Well , I'm not going to spread it.

πŸ‘︎ 722
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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I was running down the aisle to grab the last package of toilet paper, but I slipped and fell before someone else grabbed it.

You could say I completely wiped out.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kwoolery
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was walking along a stream..

... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.

Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.

He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.

His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.

Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.

This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.

The moral of this story?

Don't judge a brook by it's clover.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word.

I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French

πŸ‘︎ 678
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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Bf slipped this under the bathroom door
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
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A baby walrus slipped down an iceberg....

β€œtusssk tussssk tussssk” it’s mother said.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFriendlyDrunks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I slipped on my wife's bra today...

It was a booby trap

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Headsup_Eyesdown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
🚨︎ report
The banana peel forgot what it was doing on the floor.

Must’ve slipped its mind.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConradFlick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing..

..But mean your Mother.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the beaver say when he slipped in water?

Damn it!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Essellemm9
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Freudian Slip:

When you say one thing, but mean your mother

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lan_mcdo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing....

...and mean your Mother.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report

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