Ughh..shut up and bill my purchase...
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
🚨︎ report
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.

They log off.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me that this middle eastern themed flea market down the road got shut down over the weekend.

Well that’s bazaar, I thought.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AFOpie
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Microsoft has shut down Internet Explorer today.

It is still gonna take a few years to realise that.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/archit14
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I was watching Star Trek: The Next Generation on my mobile and the feed shut off.

I got a text from my mobile provider saying I’d exceeded my monthly Data allowance.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Ever since the power company shut off my electricity

I’ve been in a very dark place.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vagdryna
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Since the start of the pandemic, my friend the baker shut down his bakery and happily idles the day away...

He always liked loafing around.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
The hospital I work at has shut down the revolving doors

I hear it’s cause they don’t want Covid going around....

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sanjiroku
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
All the Indian bakeries in my town shut down because of Covid.

They fired all Naan essential staff.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a duck that won’t shut up?

A quack addict.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tibbymat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
The problem with parasites is that they never shut up.

I can’t stand all the Tick Talk.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vehiclesales
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the sign say on the shut down brothel?

We’re closed, beat it!

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCimeno
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I started a twitter account devoted to non-sequitors but had to shut it down

No followers.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
In far future, in a robot-only disco, one of the dancers suddenly shuts down.

The doctor arrives and after a quick inspection he calms the crowd:

β€œDon’t worry, he just got disco-nnected.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/That-Grim-Reaper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the dad say to his son who wouldn't shut up about buying him a cup so he could play sports?

Oh, put a sock in it!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Should I stock up on eggs before the next shut down?

I am having an eggs essential crisis.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konebred
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Columbia University Marching Band shuts itself down.

Yes, they Dis-Banded.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NewArborist64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get a deaf person to shut up

Tie their hands behind their back

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A player asked why I shut down the soccer game suddenly when his mother started cussing and yelling...

I replied, "ask your mom. The reason is a parent."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Disney isn't going to die and go out of business even though they completely shut down operations and didn't produce anything for three months.

They just suspended animation.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A Chinese restaurant in the neighborhood had to shut down because of high levels of arsenic in their dumplings.

Such wonton disregard for public health, I tell you.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluewhiskers
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.

Definitely not cool

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrMasterBlaster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
When ever you are feeling powerless, remember just one of you pubic hairs can shut down a Resturaunt!
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mark30322
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
One of the elevators on our floor is shut off right now

And one person in the office decided to get us good.

(hopefully image-of-text posts are fine here).

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgentThor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Two friends named Trouble and Shut Up went hiking. Trouble went off the path and got lost so Shut Up went to the police to report him missing......

.....when asked his name by the cop filling out the report he replied Shut Up. The frustrated cop asked repeatedly for his name and was met each time with an equally frustrated and louder reply of SHUT UP! The cop got angry and then asked....hey man, are you looking for trouble? The reply back was "Yes! That's the reason I came here....I'm looking for Trouble!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
You don’t tell someone to shut up at church.

You tell them to Je-Shush.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RichNCrispy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
🚨︎ report
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and she’s wanted to get a new cat (recently lost our old one), so my son and I got a cat from the animal shelter, put her gently into a large gift bag and brought her home. Before I could shut my driver door my son ran inside and ruined the surprise...

Can’t believe he let the cat out of the bag.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5d2248650
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a rapper that shuts doors with a lot of force?

Slaminem

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Someday, somehow this subreddit will be shut down and you what it will be for us ?

It will be our PUNishment

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Heimthror
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I heard William Shatner had to shut down his women’s lingerie line.

Apparently Shatner panties was not a good name.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spiderbear420
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the widow shut down the family business?

foreclosure

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Frank-Sriracha-
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Just shut up already!
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavidGreenComic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Hugh McScary, and no one else, was able to shut down a flower shop being ran by two belfry workers.

This comes to show that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rararasputin88
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My back gate was frozen shut today. Had to try to climb over it to get the garbage to the alley.

I somehow managed to get myself stuck up there. I’m still on the fence about it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cylasbreakdown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the cannibal's Chinese restaurant shut down?

For human rice violations.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thrashette
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the dinosaur newspaper shut down?

Their ratings were killed by social meteor!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GanZheng
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
After so many years, I had to shut down my anorexia clinic.

My patience was running thin

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyrottenjr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
After Microsoft's A.I. "Tay" became hateful/bigoted, Microsoft shut it down and took measures to avoid such scandals again in the future.

Hopefully, their future robots and A.I. will be more PC.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aahelo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the dolphin-less aquarium shut down?

It had no porpoise

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dmcgee3999
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
🚨︎ report
The local candle factory just got shut down.

It was all outta wax.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wallsofdereko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad became a billionaire by selling devices to shut ducks up...

Bill gates.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WideEyedWand3rer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
🚨︎ report
My sister told me to shut the duck up...

I told her to stop using fowl language.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thecaingerzone
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2016
🚨︎ report

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