She just drew one eyebrow too low and the other too high.
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
A doctor is driving home one night along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor swerved and tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible and the car hit the bunny.
He immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag wouldn't be there.
He frantically rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.
To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hind legs and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Hopped another few feet, turned and waved yet again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.
Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".
Squint Eastwood
Squeaky squat squad squinting
(Works better when you say it out loud).
Do you know why it's called Staten Island?
Because when people first got there, they looked across the water and said 'S'dat-an island?'
He used to pantomime the punchline by shielding his eyes from the sun and squinting.
And directly facing the sun. I pulled down my visor down.
"Man," I said. "Just think, it's so bright in here I need to squint, even though the sun is 93 million miles away."
"What are you talking about?" my husband said. "He's right behind us."
groan
I broke my nose in a really stupid horse-related accident in Montana.
Dad takes me to the local walk-in clinic. It's mostly empty, as it's around 7pm. As we're giving the insurance information and whatnot to the receptionist, Dad is busy doing that thing where he's texting without his cheaters so he's having to squint and hold the phone away and he's really not paying attention to some question the receptionist is asking...
So I whack him on the arm (with a towel held to my face) and say "Dad, pay attention."
Unblinking, he turns in my direction, without even looking directly at me, he mutters "Shut up, or I'll hit you again."
The receptionist was not pleased. He told the same joke to the doctor who stitched me up, and he laughed his ass off.
Actually, dad cracked so many jokes that the doctor kept having to pause while stitching up my nose. He took so long that the anesthetic wore off and I could definitely feel the last few stitches.
Dr: "Now sir, the stitches are going to cause your daughter's nose to swell quite a bit." Dad: "EVEN BIGGER!? That's amazing!"
Me: "Shut up Dad". Dad: (pinching his nose, speaking nasally) "Shut up Dad".
Unamused 18 year old daughter.
When my Mum and her sisters were younger, in an attempt to keep them quiet for half an hour, he told them to sit down next to each other so he could do their portrait. Every now and again he would stop, look up and to ensure he had the correct scale, held out his thumb and squinted a little, then continued.
After half an hour they got restless and said "Are you done yet, let's see".
He turned the drawing pad around to show...a simple sketch of a thumb.
Not a Dad yet, but thankful to have this trick up my sleeve for when I am.
My co-worker Jose is Guatemalan. We usually joke on each other about our respective races but I refer to him as everything but Guatemalan. Mexican, Puerto Rican, Ecuadorian etc.
Today he pulled a stupid move at the end of the day. "Jose! Ya stupid Bolivian" "I'm not from Bolivia!" "Really Jose? Because I don't Boleev-ya"
Annoyed anger and squinted eyes were his only response.
We were talking about European history and this happened. Me: You know how Austria and Hungary used to be combined but split? Him: Yeah, but I heard that they aren't called Hungary anymore. Me: What do you mean? Him: I guess they ate.
I squinted at him, and then realized that he just produced perfect dadjoke material.
My dad is a night owl and my mum is an early bird, meaning he has a good few hours to plot and scheme his dadjokes...
Well the other evening, he decided to scare the living daylights out of my mum by drawing a face on a melon, stuffing it in a hoodie with rubber-gloves, shoes and jeans and posed it in our morning room.
Now my mum gets up real early, and walks around the house in a grumpy daze, grumbling, scratching and squinting and whatnot with a grim face looking for something to nag about, so you can imagine the sheer pride he (probably) felt wrapped up in bed with that dumb dadjoke grin from his "Hilarious prank", to hear a loud "AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" coming from across the hall.
Needless to say i'm pretty sure she found something to nag about that morning.
My girlfriend NEVER drinks, but she had a little bit of a stressful day this day and was kidding. We were walking into the grocery store after work.
Her: Whew, I feel like a beer!
Me: [squint and give the slightest grin]
Her: I don't feel like A beer! I feel like HAVING A beer!
Me: Well I feel like a beer. Look at all these hops. [hop a few times with feet together like an idiot]
She enjoyed my lame joke.
We just finished setting up the tree; we were all looking at the angel on the top, and I noticed she looked a little irritated. So I voiced it. "She looks like she's pissed at one of us." I said. Dad looks up, squints his eyes, and says... "She looks like she has a stick up her ass."
I work as a waiter and I asked the one of my tables if I could get them another drink. The gentleman at the table said "yes" so I ask if he would like the same double on the rocks. He squinted at me and said "no I don't want the same one, I want a new one! " His wife went to chime in "yes he already finished that one! "
I work at a Starbucks, and a guy came in, ordered a drink, and when I asked for his name said Vlad. I couldn't help myself and asked him if he drove an Impala. He squinted at me, then laughed, along with most of the other customers in line.
Dad: "Hey, we bought a new pan last night."
Walks over to the TV and sets it on the top of the set.
Me: "What are you doing?"
I squint at the lettering on the cardboard still on the pan. It reads, "As seen on TV."
Oh, Dad..
