I can’t stand all the Tick Talk.
A quack addict.
Oh, put a sock in it!
I am having an eggs essential crisis.
Tie their hands behind their back
.....when asked his name by the cop filling out the report he replied Shut Up. The frustrated cop asked repeatedly for his name and was met each time with an equally frustrated and louder reply of SHUT UP! The cop got angry and then asked....hey man, are you looking for trouble? The reply back was "Yes! That's the reason I came here....I'm looking for Trouble!!!"
You tell them to Je-Shush.
Bill gates.
He was all torque.
Damn right-wing Evangelionists.
I told her to stop using fowl language.
He's Tolkien your ear off.
As I approached the counter at my 8 year old's clinic, the nurse asks "are you here for an appointment?" I replied without hesitation & confusion "umm, no my daughter is". The blank stare was enough.
Me: "but the door only moves side-to-side!"
He found his locomotive.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
he won’t shut up about Mao
- "Shut up and swim."
Usually he tells me to shut up and to hand him a wrench to take apart a motor.
She whispered in my ear "Shall we take this upstairs"? I replied "Go on then, you grab this end and I'll get the other"
The other one goes “Shut up Phil you’re drunk”
Son : “We need the opposite of shut down! Dad, what’s the opposite of shut down?”
Dad : “Shut up!”
Shut the chef up!
That must mean it's heredditary.
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To which the other replied: Shut up, Frank. You're drunk.
"Daddy, why is my name Violet?" the first girl asks.
"Because a violet fell on your head when you were born, dear," her father answers.
"Daddy, why is my name Rose?" the second girl asks.
"Because a rose fell on your head when you were born, dear," her father answers.
"My favorite color is potato," the third girl says.
"Shut up, Brick!"
Dad: "After you were born, while we were taking you home, a leaf landed on your head."
"Is that why my sister is named Rose?"
"Yep."
"Blarghgghrblaeeeurp"
"Shut up brick"
Me: "Who's Ray?"
Her: "What?"
Me: "And how do you know what his bed is like??"
Her: "Oh my god, shut up."
My dad while carrying a lamp: "Looks like I got the light load"
My girlfriend bet me I couldn't find a pun so bad that she'd tell me to shut up and fuck off and die. Naturally I want to prove her wrong. Any and all help is appreciated
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
-
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
-
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
-
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
-
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
-
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
-
August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
-
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
-
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
-
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
-
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
-
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
-
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
-
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
-
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
- Took a bo
After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit... I quit being your son."
Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning.
It was glorious.
*Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk
Me- you can just walk if you want. Daughter-shut up Me-ok
Because they were looking for pi.
Ok I know this is bad but shut up
Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.
The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, “I no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”
Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.
Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, “Let’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”
Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.
Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.
Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.
Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.
Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.
The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.
Scott said, “Little Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”
Pork Chop replied, “No way José! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”
Scott, undeterred by the reply says, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”
Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.
Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.
Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas
... keep reading on reddit ➡My granddaughter was recently born, and she is, of course, perfection incarnate. However, the night she was born, I got my son.
We had left his girlfriend's hospital room where she was in labor (14 1/2 hours!) to get some coffee. As we did so, I gave him some fatherly advice.
Me: Son, you know how everyone acts like all babies are beautiful?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Well, you and I both know that it's not true. There are some ugly babies out there. Now, I am not saying yours is going to be, I am sure she's going to be fine, but just in case...
Him: Yes?
Me: You know those signs at some bathrooms that say "Baby Changing Station"? Just stick her in there, close the lid...
Him: OMG, Dad, shut the fuck up!
Me: <literally tapdancing away>
When behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER
FASTER
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.
However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking
Clapity-BUMP...
Clapity-BUMP...
Clapity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him
A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...
The coffin stops.
Two guys at the funny farm. One guy says, “We can get out of here.”
The other guy says, “We can?”
He says, “Yes.”
The other guy says, “How?”
The first guy says, “I’ve got a big flashlight. Tonight we’ll come out to the wall, I’ll throw the light up against the wall, and you climb up the beam.”
The guy says, “You really think I’m nuts, don’t you? I know what you’d do! I’d get halfway up, you’d shut it off!”
(Editor’s note: Batman fans will recognize this as the final joke in The Killing Joke).
http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/two-guys-at-the-funny-farm/
He wemt to his mum, who was doing work, and asked, "mum, whats the first letter of the alphabet?"
Mum: Shut up and go away!
Kid goes to his dad, who just got a perfect score in darts, and says: Dad, whats the second letter of the alphabet?
Dad: 180!!
Walks to older brother who was playing batman video games: whats the third letter of the alphabet?
Brother: na na na na na na na na BATMAN!
Walks up to younger brother playing with toys: whats the 4th letter of the alphabet?
Brother: driving my little red car.
Kid rolls up to school, ready to recite the first 4 letters of the alphabet.
Teacher: whats the first letter?
Kid: Shut up and go away!!
Teacher: HOW MANY HOURS OF DETENTION DO YOU WANT
Kid: 180!!
Teacher: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Kid: na na na na na na na na BATMAN
Teacher: HOW DO YKU THINK YOULL GET AWAY WITH THIS?!?
Kid: Driving my little red car
A man is walking home alone one foggy evening, when behind him he faintly hears:
thump...
thump...
thump...
Senses tingling, he begins walking faster only to look back and make out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
THUMP...
THUMP...
THUMP...
Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER
FASTER
THUMP...
THUMP...
THUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, slams it shut and locks it behind him.
However, the casket crashes through the door, and with the lid of the casket clacking on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Clappity-THUMP...
Clappity-THUMP...
Clappity-THUMP...
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH! the casket breaks down the door. Thumping and clapping towards him, the man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws it at the casket and...
The coffin stops.
