My wife asked me if she's the only one I've been with.

I said yes. The others were all nines and tens.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and said, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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My mom played the clarinet in high school. She mentioned she wanted to play again, but doesn't have the money to waste on it. I ordered one for her birthday and left her a subtle clue.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalJunkie101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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I called round at my neighbour's house early one morning and she opened the door in her nightie.

I thought, "That's a funny place for a door."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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My daughter asked if she could cut the hair off of one of her barbies to make a boy barbie.

I said "You Ken if you want to."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clowncar83
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...

"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Mary Queen of Scots. My favorite one, but She was found guilty of high treason and the Head of the Monarchy was then..

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.

She did not hold Up well.

πŸ‘︎ 302
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mortalfloater
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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My ex girlfriend had the laziest cat, she was so lazy I actually at one point thought it was dead.

Turned out it was just catatonic.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oppy1984
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...

Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ViShAl2212
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote β€œAnt” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.

You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vtfb79
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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My wife wanted to buy a ceiling light. She said, β€œthis one comes with a hanging chain but I think we should just mount it flush with the ceiling.”

I said, β€œthat would be off the chain.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman asked her husband if she was the only one he’d ever been with.

He replied β€œYes, the others were all nines or tens”.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KR1S18
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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I remember when I once had a friends named Eni. We were best friends until one day, she gossiped about me and stopped hanging out with me. The following day, a teacher asked me if a had any friends,

I responded with β€œNo, not Eni.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SHiFT_VeLoCiiTy
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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A famous viking of the red clan came home one day and told his wife it's gonna rain tomorrow. She asked him how he knows. He told her:

Rudolf the red knows rain, dear!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/psayayayduck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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My wife just gave birth to a set of identical twins. She named the first one Pete.

I named the second one Repeat.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hasitcometothis4
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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A princess wants to choose her future husband. Her engineers create a maze full of deadly traps. After the struggle, four princes survive. The first three have both their hands cut off. The fourth one still has one hand left. Which one will she choose?

She will chose the fourth prince: he's the most hand-some.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielsoft1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.

She said, β€œYes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.

πŸ‘︎ 363
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stamps69
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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My 11 year old and I were at a grocery store. I got one of those flimsy bags to put peaches in. The bag ripped, my daughter laughed. I looked at her said oh no, I had a Bagcident. She stopped laughing.
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheeriomartinez
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Stupid Subway

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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An old couple sat on their porch in the morning after they let the chickens out of the coupe. They wanted to count how many hens the rooster fucked. The wife was counting one, two, three, four, five, six! Six times she proclaimed!

He responds, β€œYeah with a different chick each time!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jumbawumba07
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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She’s the one.
πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zach5585
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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Probability had crush on one girl, but she wasn't the one.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nicestuffzzcd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf
πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Teranicia
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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She might be the one
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SUPER-FUNNY
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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I was in the gym the other day, when I saw a man get down on one knee and propose to his girlfriend. Unfortunately she said no!

Well that didn't workout...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MartinHolroyd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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One of the hosts of the View invited me to her home and we sat in her den. She then offered a pillow...

It was a Whoopi cushion.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/svk7sarthak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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My mother has always been a staunch supporter of the LGBT movement. In fact, back in the 80s, she even told me that one day, β€œout and proud” people would have an entire month of celebration!

Mama said there’d be gays like this!

Happy Pride Month, y’all. :D

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fuzzus628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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She's the one.
πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tim_reheht
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
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My sister is really indecisive. When I bought her that red phone cover she always wanted she returned it and bought a blue one, then she returned that one and bought the red one again!

I knew that would be the case.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chongdog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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My daughter wants the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she can have one if she gets good grades, does her chores and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone because

It's my way, or the Huawei

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pmak13
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and she’s wanted to get a new cat (recently lost our old one), so my son and I got a cat from the animal shelter, put her gently into a large gift bag and brought her home. Before I could shut my driver door my son ran inside and ruined the surprise...

Can’t believe he let the cat out of the bag.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5d2248650
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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My sister has a cat named Queso. I told her she should get two more and name one of them Justin and the other Mergencies...
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrewsTravelers365
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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My wife asked me, β€œCould you go to the store and buy one gallon of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.” When I came home with 6 gallons of milk, she shrieked, β€œWhy in the world did you buy 6 gallons of milk!?”

I replied, β€œThey had avocados.”

πŸ‘︎ 302
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2018
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My wife just came back from the store. I asked which one and she won’t give me a straight answer.

She keeps saying, β€œGuess.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheeMainEvent
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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I was trying to get my wife to appreciate puns as much as me. I tried everything I could come up with and she didn't even crack a smile! So I googled the top 10 puns of all time. I read every single one to her trying to get her to laugh

and no pun in 10 did

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Last night I was finishing up pressure washing my driveway and one neighbor dad drove by and said β€œlookin’ good, great practice for when you do mine this weekend”, and then turned to his wife in the passenger seat laughing hysterically as she looked at him with a blank stare.
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheptown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When my daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When I get home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gknights
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report
5yo daughter asked why I was the one who decided how much grated parmesan she could have on her pasta...

...I told her it was because in our house, I'm Julius Cheese-ar!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rubbergoat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.

She said β€œYes.... all the other guys were nines or tens”

πŸ‘︎ 219
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lasercats18
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.

She said β€œyes, the others were at least eights or nines”

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EarlyEndTimes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me if she’s the only one I’ve been with

I said yes, the others were 9’s and 10’s

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fanoran
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife if I was the one she had been with.

She said 'Yes, all the others were nines or tens.'

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryanBr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report

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