I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee you,no one has ever heard them before.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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Recently I’ve had to remove several of my posts.

Someone took a fence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.

He had no idea he had started a turf war.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Scientists have observed that when one pizza delivery guy falls over, several others also fall over

This is known as the domino's effect.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dhrupad_9112
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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What do you call several gourds related to each other?

Pump kin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JumpinJaccFlash
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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I once tied my dog’s stick to a balloon, he brought it back from several miles away...

I know, it sounds a bit far-fetched.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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How do you call an ant with several heads?

A hydrant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reysomni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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I had to fill in several post holes yesterday.

I didn’t want them to make offense.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldn’t get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......

Poor guy turned to a life of mime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mjleak72
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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What do you call several barbie dolls waiting in line?

BBQ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chromosoma
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Hey everyone, thanks for keeping this community awesome, but due to several reasons, I've decided to stop making dad jokes, here's why

Why

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinayjrao
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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They delivered materials for our new roof today. I looked out the window, confused. Said to my son, β€œhuh, that’s weird. There are several pallets out there. He asked why that’s weird.

I was just expecting a shingle pallet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The1hangingchad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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The chemistry teacher rejoined the FBI after several years of teaching.

She became a reagent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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If you spin an Oriental person several times while bent down,

Will he / she be disoriented?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PinoyDadInOman
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes...

He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeChadley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?

Eu-reek-a

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itinerant24
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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I have commited several war crimes in uzbeckistan and am giving myself in for gassing hundreids of civillian houses
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dog-loaf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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Doctor: β€œYou’ve damaged several muscles including your calf and your quad.”

Patient: β€œIs that true, or are you just pulling my leg?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nitroade24h
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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A lawyer and a law maker had been in an argument for several years, escalating into a bet to see who would break the law first. The lawyer then found himself in a trial against the law maker.

The law maker was outlawed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/N1ch0l2s
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
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My Vietnamese driver told me several riddles yesterday, do you know what they were?

First off a six-parter

  1. If there are 500 rocks on a plane and you throw one out, how many are left? A: 499
  2. How do you get an elephant into a fridge? This is a three part process A: open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
  3. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? This is a four part process A: open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
  4. All the animals go to heaven for a meeting, but one can't come, why not? A: the giraffe, it's in the fridge.
  5. A weak old lady has to cross a river full of alligators, how does she get across? A: the alligators are at the meeting in heaven.
  6. As soon as the old lady gets across the river she dies, how? A: the rock fell on her head.

No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy". How did he know?

A: he was wearing a naval uniform.

Anyone know similar nonsense?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patyboomba
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.

I just can't part with it.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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My aunt has been inviting several unmarried female friends over to study the Bible and pray a few times a week.

I told her not to make it a habit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/huuhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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We were watching the news when the commentator said that "several Brazilian skydivers died when their parachutes failed"...

My son burst into tears. I explained, "yes, buddy, it's sad, but they knew what they were getting into". My son replied, "I know, but it's still so sad. I mean, how many are in a brazliian? Is more than a million?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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What do you call several funguses that have a great sense of humor?

Fun guy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeBjornar_James
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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A company that performs tests on urine samples turned a large profit in the last several months

They had a great piss-cal year

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnthMaster7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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The old egyptians used to bury their pharaohs in several layers of coffins

This is also known as multicasking

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ancientmob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...

"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."


Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:

"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/istrebitjel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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Julius Caesar was stabbed several times by his own congress

Making him, contrary to popular belief, the first holey Roman emperor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kisskissyesyes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.

The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deano3607
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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The American Ladder Institute has an annual meeting in October. They have several safety seminars and so on.

It’s their fall meeting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/segfaulting_again
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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What does a coder do when a recursion program fails to compile after several attempts?

He will re-curse it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_thatman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.

I guess you could call it my minstrel period.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BingSerious
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Several orthopedists walk into a karaoke bar.

They’re all like β€œI wanna dance with somebody, I wanna heal the feet with somebody...”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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Last night, my husband dreamt I cheated on him with a professional football player & several Frenchmen.

He walked by me as I was scrolling through reddit and said β€œI’d better not see any Frenchmen Oui Oui on your screen.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jillinkla
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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We were driving across state over the holidays and my 4 year old tells us she has to pee. We just happened to be almost to an exit with several gas stations to take her. I proudly proclaimed β€˜Urine luck! There are plenty of places to go at this exit!’ Sadly, I only got an eye roll from my wife.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beergelden
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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Several of the guys at the local pub have pony tails which they wear in pretty little man buns. I wonder if they'd ever consider getting a haircut...

I guess they'd have to mullet over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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I know several hilarious paraplegics

They just seem to have some trouble with stand-up comedy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/59inchesinyourmom
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Spent all day rinsing several palates of damaged Coca-Cola cans at the food bank today. The stuff at the bottom was ... gross. At home mom asked what we did.

We sorted sorta sordid sodas.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/welloveramillion
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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Mark has several qualities that make him an ideal candidate for cloning.

He’s remarkable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notyou61
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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"Doctor, I broke my arm in several places."

Doctor: "Well, don't go to those places."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-NO_FACE-
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
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Hey, did you hear about the semi that overturned and spilled all the rolling chairs onto the highway for several miles?

It was a widespread case of loose stools.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lameoldperson
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Several miners got trapped but the mining company refused to help them.

One could say the miners got shafted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
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I know several jokes in sign language.

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee no one has ever heard them before

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarlTHEELlama
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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"Doctor I've broken arm in several places"

Doctor: "Well, don't go to those places"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/music_snobbbb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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