A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Why do redditors never have their settings on light mode?
Well, we aren't the brightest people
of COURSE hp lovecraft chose a fishing village for a setting (innsmouth)
...the deep ones are also called the many-anglered ones, after all ;)
Bernie setting the Sanders high!
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Guys, I have a question. Me and a friend are arguing about the setting of the Ace Attorney games.
He keeps telling me its LA, but its gotta be Phoenix, right?
I’ve been setting aside money to buy some boxwood shrubs.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody.”
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night...should’ve put it on aloha setting!
I was setting up posts to put caution tape around...
And this old man asked if I was protesting. I explained that we were setting up wooden posts to keep people from parking too close to the building.
He said “looks to me like you’re making a stand....get it?”
Eye roll
A cemetery is a terrible setting for a convincing horror story.
My neighbour was a selling a speaker system for just $1. When I asked him why it was so cheap he told me that you cant adjust the sound, the volume is stuck at the loudest setting.
I said "Wow, I cant turn that down"
I blow into a dog whistle every time I see the sun setting
It's always nice to end the day on a high note
My wife hates it when I wash delicates on the casual setting...
I really love setting things on fire, so does my wife and our kid.
The first time he set fire to a building I said "Yep, that's arson".
This setting on the popcorn machine at a friend's workplace.
In a new movie 007 must save us from a mad man intent on setting off an atomic bomb on the bottom of the Ocean
I tried setting my password to beefstew
but the website said it wasn't stronganoff
My father and I were setting up camp. As we were setting up, he said he had to take a dump and that while he does that, I need to finish tying up the tent. I asked “really?”. To which he replied:
In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Mt. Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.
Since then, the steaks have never been higher.
My child was setting up a science homework project on the dinner table. I swiped the table clean and threw the table outside. He asked "what was that for?"
I said, it's a periodic table. You cant use it right now.
My son has a real problem with setting things on fire, and it's getting out of hand...
He's been a real pain in my arson.
Just finished setting up power line adapters, it was so easy
After not exercising for years, I went to a gym and put it on a steep setting.
My friend was inclined to say it was a bad idea but I decided what the hill.
I tried to clear the weeds on my allotment by setting fire the to the patch with petrol
I've been told that I'm losing the plot.
Ah discord bots, perfect for setting up puns
The Trader Joe's Marketing Dept is setting the bar high. They really are top shelf, and the food's not bad either.
imgur.com/iZqfimZ
We just started this year and my boss is already setting up meetings for next year!
She must have 2020 vision
I walked into my son's English Language classroom and told the teacher that he was setting a bad example.
'How?' he asked.
I said, 'At the bottom of my son's homework you put 'A for effort' when clearly it starts with an E.'
When the leaves are falling, the setting sun casts shadows across the hills, and a warm breeze blows, ain't that just...
I've done a lot of leisurely travel in my life so far, but the closest I'll ever be to jet setting is probably on my shower head.
I work at a shoe store and we were setting up for an event...
My co-worker turned to a veteran employee and said, “ya know, for as long as ugg has been around I’m surprised they haven’t made any uggs for dogs.”
I chuckle to myself for a few seconds and he asks, “What the hell is so funny?”
I respond in the voice of an over enthusiastic sales man, “Hello there miss, I see you’ve brought your dog in today, what size is she....K-9?”
Someone offered to give me a free radio once, but the volume was stuck on the highest setting.
Setting an Alarm
On holiday, we had been staying at a hotel. Me and my brother were in one room and my parents in another.
My Dad usually knocks on the door to make sure we don't over sleep.
Me: I told you I set an alarm for 8, why did you knock at like 7:30?
Dad: Why were you setting an alarm for 8? There are only two of you.
My friend's "classic" way of setting me up with random people...
He asks them to feel my jacket/shirt/whatever I'm wearing. He then asks if they recognise the fabric. When they respond with "no," he'll tell them:
"That's boyfriend material."
i have a passion for setting things on fire
you could say it
BURNS WITH DESIRE
slaps knee
My lad got arrested for setting a house on fire...
the police told me it was arson.
Setting up a meeting with a coworker
Her: What does your calendar look like?
Me: There are a bunch of squares with numbers in them.
Then she threw something at me.
Setting the bar high at our first antenatal class
First antenatal class and we're going round the group with the other expectant first time parents.
Wife: It'll really hit home when we've got the baby in the car on the way back from the hospital
Me: Don't worry, I'll be driving carefully, I certainly won't crash into our own house.
I'm ready for this baby to arrive
Say you have an acronym inappropriate for your temporal setting
As I was setting the table, I asked my kids, "What did the first plate say to the second plate?"
Setting up a Car-Wash Station at Work when I noticed a major safety hazard...
"We need to move our bucket display, they're way too close to the ground. Someone might kick the bucket!"
My manager walked away, but I'm sure he understood my concerns.
I think the police are setting up a sting on me
Every breath I take, Every move I make, Every bond I break, Every step I take, They are watching me. Every single day, Every word I say, Every game I play, Every night I stay, They are watching me. Every move I make, Every vow I break, Every smile I fake, Every claim I stake, They are watching me. Every move I make, Every vow I break, Every smile I fake, Every claim I stake, They are watching me
I just finished setting up our nativity scene, and this year I used lego hobbits for the magi.
Just like the song says--wee three kings.
We were driving into the glare of the setting sun.
We took a sharp turn and the visibility improved a lot. I said, whew, no more squinting.
My boyfriend said, glad that's behind us.
Help, does this mean I'm pregnant?
Dad was setting the table and I reminded him to put out forks.
Don't worry, I won't fork-get them.
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