A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Why do redditors never have their settings on light mode?

Well, we aren't the brightest people

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mycatwearsgucci
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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of COURSE hp lovecraft chose a fishing village for a setting (innsmouth)

...the deep ones are also called the many-anglered ones, after all ;)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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Bernie setting the Sanders high!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rheamadaan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...

Arson.

πŸ‘︎ 297
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinjesus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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Guys, I have a question. Me and a friend are arguing about the setting of the Ace Attorney games.

He keeps telling me its LA, but its gotta be Phoenix, right?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilverStoneX1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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I’ve been setting aside money to buy some boxwood shrubs.

It’s my hedge fund.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobs_clam_rodeo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Turns out our washing machine DOES have a β€œbaby poop” setting.

It’s called β€œHeavy Doody.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phagemakerpro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night...should’ve put it on aloha setting!
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lifejourney24
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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I was setting up posts to put caution tape around...

And this old man asked if I was protesting. I explained that we were setting up wooden posts to keep people from parking too close to the building.

He said β€œlooks to me like you’re making a stand....get it?”

Eye roll

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PassivePlayboy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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A cemetery is a terrible setting for a convincing horror story.

Too many plot holes.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zachpledger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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My neighbour was a selling a speaker system for just $1. When I asked him why it was so cheap he told me that you cant adjust the sound, the volume is stuck at the loudest setting.

I said "Wow, I cant turn that down"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingSulley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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I blow into a dog whistle every time I see the sun setting

It's always nice to end the day on a high note

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majike03
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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My wife hates it when I wash delicates on the casual setting...

She gets too agitated.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bb5x24
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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I really love setting things on fire, so does my wife and our kid.

The first time he set fire to a building I said "Yep, that's arson".

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dezrockkerz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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This setting on the popcorn machine at a friend's workplace.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/APearce
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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In a new movie 007 must save us from a mad man intent on setting off an atomic bomb on the bottom of the Ocean

Nucleotide Bond

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjmaxal
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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I tried setting my password to beefstew

but the website said it wasn't stronganoff

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m8lloo_695
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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My father and I were setting up camp. As we were setting up, he said he had to take a dump and that while he does that, I need to finish tying up the tent. I asked β€œreally?”. To which he replied:

β€œI shit, you knot.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irorii
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Mt. Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitch_watson
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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My child was setting up a science homework project on the dinner table. I swiped the table clean and threw the table outside. He asked "what was that for?"

I said, it's a periodic table. You cant use it right now.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InspectorBugNuts
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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My son has a real problem with setting things on fire, and it's getting out of hand...

He's been a real pain in my arson.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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Just finished setting up power line adapters, it was so easy

There just plug and play

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πŸ‘€︎ u/quickhakker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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After not exercising for years, I went to a gym and put it on a steep setting.

My friend was inclined to say it was a bad idea but I decided what the hill.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaconShrimpEyes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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I tried to clear the weeds on my allotment by setting fire the to the patch with petrol

I've been told that I'm losing the plot.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nsefan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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Ah discord bots, perfect for setting up puns
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dark_Inferno98
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2018
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The Trader Joe's Marketing Dept is setting the bar high. They really are top shelf, and the food's not bad either. imgur.com/iZqfimZ
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/athei-nerd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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We just started this year and my boss is already setting up meetings for next year!

She must have 2020 vision

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nobutternoparm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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I walked into my son's English Language classroom and told the teacher that he was setting a bad example.

'How?' he asked.

I said, 'At the bottom of my son's homework you put 'A for effort' when clearly it starts with an E.'

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
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When the leaves are falling, the setting sun casts shadows across the hills, and a warm breeze blows, ain't that just...

...awetumn?

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
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I've done a lot of leisurely travel in my life so far, but the closest I'll ever be to jet setting is probably on my shower head.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/walpolemarsh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2017
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I work at a shoe store and we were setting up for an event...

My co-worker turned to a veteran employee and said, β€œya know, for as long as ugg has been around I’m surprised they haven’t made any uggs for dogs.”

I chuckle to myself for a few seconds and he asks, β€œWhat the hell is so funny?”

I respond in the voice of an over enthusiastic sales man, β€œHello there miss, I see you’ve brought your dog in today, what size is she....K-9?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FadePatriot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
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Someone offered to give me a free radio once, but the volume was stuck on the highest setting.

I couldn’t turn it down.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toeknuckles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2018
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Setting an Alarm

On holiday, we had been staying at a hotel. Me and my brother were in one room and my parents in another. My Dad usually knocks on the door to make sure we don't over sleep.

Me: I told you I set an alarm for 8, why did you knock at like 7:30?

Dad: Why were you setting an alarm for 8? There are only two of you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oneatron
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2014
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My friend's "classic" way of setting me up with random people...

He asks them to feel my jacket/shirt/whatever I'm wearing. He then asks if they recognise the fabric. When they respond with "no," he'll tell them:

"That's boyfriend material."

πŸ‘︎ 187
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2014
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i have a passion for setting things on fire

you could say it

BURNS WITH DESIRE

slaps knee

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bababababulbasaur
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
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My lad got arrested for setting a house on fire...

the police told me it was arson.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yellowflasher
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2017
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Setting up a meeting with a coworker

Her: What does your calendar look like?

Me: There are a bunch of squares with numbers in them.

Then she threw something at me.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarylandBlue
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2015
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Setting the bar high at our first antenatal class

First antenatal class and we're going round the group with the other expectant first time parents.

Wife: It'll really hit home when we've got the baby in the car on the way back from the hospital

Me: Don't worry, I'll be driving carefully, I certainly won't crash into our own house.

I'm ready for this baby to arrive

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2016
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Say you have an acronym inappropriate for your temporal setting

It's an anachronymism

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a2zk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2015
🚨︎ report
As I was setting the table, I asked my kids, "What did the first plate say to the second plate?"

"Dinner's on me!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
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Setting up a Car-Wash Station at Work when I noticed a major safety hazard...

"We need to move our bucket display, they're way too close to the ground. Someone might kick the bucket!"

My manager walked away, but I'm sure he understood my concerns.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cinnamonico
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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I think the police are setting up a sting on me

Every breath I take, Every move I make, Every bond I break, Every step I take, They are watching me. Every single day, Every word I say, Every game I play, Every night I stay, They are watching me. Every move I make, Every vow I break, Every smile I fake, Every claim I stake, They are watching me. Every move I make, Every vow I break, Every smile I fake, Every claim I stake, They are watching me

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2014
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I just finished setting up our nativity scene, and this year I used lego hobbits for the magi.

Just like the song says--wee three kings.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaz182
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
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We were driving into the glare of the setting sun.

We took a sharp turn and the visibility improved a lot. I said, whew, no more squinting.

My boyfriend said, glad that's behind us.

Help, does this mean I'm pregnant?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i-like-robots
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2015
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Dad was setting the table and I reminded him to put out forks.

Don't worry, I won't fork-get them.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/exeivot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2016
🚨︎ report

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