No-one laughs when I respond to "How was the gym?" with
"Heavy."
It's like my jokes carry no weight.
Traveling with my nine year old, and he observed that our gate in Hartford was A6, and our gate in Baltimore is B6. I respond that it's raining so hard we'll take a boat home...
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says “you must be single” and I respond with “how did you know?”
She responded, “ because you are ugly!”
Just got lowballed. $5 for my guitar. Best way to respond?
Some students needed help calculating the number of food and drinks they'd need for a party. Their teacher responds...
"What's the equation? (occasion)"
It's the opposite day and my friend challenges me in tic tac toe. when it's his turn, he grabs the pencil by his foot. I ask him why and he responds:
"I'm playing the toe tactic"
The guy running my town is awful. He doesn’t respond to phone calls because he only works after dark.
He’s a total night mayor.
He's too tired to respond
My Dad comes into my room looking really worried, I ask him what was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help, He responds by saying "I lost the book which had all the photos and message from my friends"
Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.
Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"
And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.
Scrooge awakens in the night to an apparition; he asks: “Who are you?” His dead gastroenterologist responds:
“I am the ghost of gasses passed.”
How did Pakistan's Nobel Laureate physicist Abdus Salam respond to greetings?
Yes, that's me. Is that it?
Jake, Alex, and Matt are preparing for a wedding. Jake tells Alex, “I tried on a new suit today.” Alex responds, “Has Matt?”
Jake says, “No, just a regular suit.”
A sheep dog tells a farmer, "I've gathered up 40 sheep". The farmer replies, "But we only have 37 sheep?" The dog responds..
How does a door respond if you bust it down?
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
How many germans does it take to make and respond to a dad joke
Cattle Farmers respond to Federal Agents burning marijuana fields next door.
"In these troubled times, the steaks have never been higher."
Nintendo responds to memes
You can always count on my dad to respond to everything with a dad joke.
So my mom has a phobia of mice and she found one in my old room (I’m away at college). My dad said he would “take care of it”, which he did, but then the cat killed another one and so she’s upset and was texting my dad things like “I can’t live here knowing there’s mice, it’s been nice knowing you.” And my dad’s first response was “you saying it’s been mice knowing me?” Such a classic dad move, I laughed so hard even though I probably shouldn’t have.
I'm so stupidly proud of myself for this message that I don't even care if he responds to me.
At a funeral a man sits Behind the woman who’s husband just died. The man leans forward and asks, “do u mind if I say a word?” she responds, “Not at all, please do.” the man stands up and says “plethora” and sits back down.
“Thanks,” said the woman, “that means a lot.”
A Scottish piece of copper wire walks into a bar, and his friend challenges him to drink a pint of beer in under 2 seconds. He responds...
How do you respond to a pun?
Whenever my friend Stephen asks me to do him a favour, I always respond the same way.
I say, “You’re not my real hen!”, and then walk away.
What do they call a grandma that’s quick to respond?
Once upon a time, a wolf insulted a cow. How did the cow respond ?
He said, "Don't call me a cow word."
PSA: don't forget the " took you a year to respond" joke.
Now that 2019 is around the corner, you can achieve ultimate dad stats by sending a message to your contacts near the end of 2018. Then, send "Why did you wait a year to respond ?".
This only works once a year so be prepared.
What do you call the awkward quiet that comes with sending someone your location on WhatsApp and they do not respond?
2 paramedics respond to a call for a lady with an infected hangnail on her big toe.
One paramedic looks at the other and says, “she doesn’t need an ambulance, she needs a toe truck!”
When the zoologist knew how the black bird was gonna respond, what they say ?
How did my dad respond to the girl i brought home with me who harvests honey?
Owners of the produce company whose lettuce truck crashed respond to inquiries...
> We had to let the driver go. Heads did roll.
I texted my wife that I’ll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. She didn’t respond.
I think she regrets letting me name our kids.
My friend is sick so I tried to cheer her up. She did not respond.
What I send my friends when they respond hours later.
I email my kids Dad jokes daily, but they never seem to respond.
They probably installed Dadblock Plus.
My dog only responds to commands spoken in Spanish...
A voice on the radio: Hello, anybody who can hear me please respond.
Me: Copy that, who is this?
Voice: Spider, working out.
Me: Spider who?
Voice: Radio active spider.
They're making engines that hear and respond to voices.
That's a real step forward in enginEARing
How I respond when my Vietnamese friend asks if I want to go out to eat.
I've always got on well with my dog. Problem is, she only responds to commands in Spanish.
If a father asked their child if they would like a tropical fruit, would the child respond
Every time I'd ask him he'd respond the same way
When ever I'd try to tell my dad something the conversation would usually go like this:
Me: Hey Dad, you know what?
Dad: No, not personally cue uncontrollable giggling
I called my wife and told her that I will pick up Fish and Chips on the way home from work. She didn not respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
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