I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire.

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket!

After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/digeratisensei
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.

She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingAdamXVII
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I saw an old lady catch on fire today while pumping gas...

When she removed the nozzle from the vehicle I guess some static electricity created a spark and started a fire near her gas cap. She tried to put it out, but her sleeve caught on fire. She started running around the store parking lot with her arm on fire. The cops showed up and arrested her for waiving a firearm in public.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/20yrstoomany
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
🚨︎ report
I got my son a tire pump as a Christmas gift

He said it blows.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SupremeBaconist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you know why air pumps at gas stations used to be free but are now $1.50?

Inflation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/officialsmolkid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do breast pumps and I statements have in common?

They help you express yourself.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grandviewsurfer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
All this fuel pump talk is a real gas.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shane0clock
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EggNogAgenda
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A Gas Pump
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeanClaudeVanDamp
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I was riding to a beach in this remote part of the district and stopped at this run down petrol pump

A kid was manning the pump and I asked if they take cards He replies with a straight face : No we give it back after swiping

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πŸ‘€︎ u/regulaslight
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I pumped unleaded gas into my diesel vehicle’s tank this morning...

It was a very fuelish mistake.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The first animal to be mechanically milked must've been pumped.

I know it's an old joke, I'm just milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Found this while looking through Pumped Up Kicks comments
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dat_Hylian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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It's that beat that makes you pump your bum
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How come it used to cost a quarter to pump your tires at the gas station, and now it costs a dollar?

Inflation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nftpc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfEmory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I would tell you a joke about an underground water pump...

But it's a bore

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sprocket_Bat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
He’s not just my swole relative. He’s my pumped kin.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shantotto11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Pump the jam
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeeM1613
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife just got her breast pump going...

So my wife just got her breast pump all set up. She's got the double suckers rolling, tits out, milk flowing like a minor tributary. And I ASK "ARE YOU PUMPED?!" fucking genius.... She stared silently for like 10 seconds. Then told me to post here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeremySTL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I hope he said Tank you later xD
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the local petrol station

There was nothing coming out of the nozzle. I walked to the kiosk and i said, have you got your pumps on? He said, no, I'm wearing flip-flops

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πŸ‘€︎ u/northernsou
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s a hillbillies favorite thing to do on Halloween?

Pump kins

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bpollard85
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Stopped by to get gas after my trip to Germany, and when the pump asked if I wanted a receipt

The nine button wasn’t working.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BALLOONCHEF1997
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
School Drop off Conversation

A Conversation I had with my Daughter when I dropped her off at school

Me: Hey so you know how your cats are always running around all over the place right?
Daughter: Yeah why?
Me: So When they stop moving are they on Paws?
Daughter: Face Palms and says "OKAY DAD BYEEE!!!"
Me: YESSSS! Fist Pump!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajmansell
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Vice Squad raid the water treatment plant?

They'd received a tip about a bunch of Pumps and Hoses.

(I'm sorry. I just got off work, heard "pumps and hoses" on the radio, and a bad idea was born.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OOOH_WHATS_THIS
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
The housing market is really pumped up these days
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mynameisseanm
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Inflation hits hard
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call several gourds related to each other?

Pump kin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JumpinJaccFlash
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
All the other kids with their pumped up kicks...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/findanegg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
🚨︎ report
A bounce house joke from r/funny. I’m pumped up for it.
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gehhhh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
There was a train officer with an insulin pump handing out tickets at the speed of light.

He was a type 2 superconductor

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dr_cheggman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
We used to be able to go to a gas station and pump our tires for free. Now it costs $1.50, you know why?

Inflation

(Actual joke told by my dad today)

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SOPA_NO
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Pump up the volume
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ActuaJulian
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
🚨︎ report
The price of air pumps has been going up recently

It’s because of inflation

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILostMyLean
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
🚨︎ report
My son pulled the pump cap off the shampoo bottle and threw it on the floor...

He told me he deCAPitated it.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yugogrl2000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2017
🚨︎ report
I can pump a ton of iron.

It runs in my blood.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Threeatatime1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the sarcastic weightlifter?

He liked to pump irony.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Complained to my dad about having to pay $1 at the gas station air pump...

"Don't be upset, you're just compensating for inflation."

:|

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajustyle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2013
🚨︎ report
It used to be free to fill your car tire up with air. Now it coasts 1.50. You know why?

Inflation.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoshForce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
🚨︎ report

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