In the morning I drink my primary milk

later on I drink my secondary

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EdwardDupont
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Why did Bernie Sanders refuse to return to the Senate after the primaries?

He wanted to practice socialist distancing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/winkelschleifer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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Do you know what the primary olfactory organ is?

No sΓ©.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wbchen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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What is a fish's primary entertainment source?

Live stream.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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I'm a primary school teacher and one of my kids got me in the lols with this one today... what's a witch's favorite subject?

Spelling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/haymalb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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Kids can become chemists after the primary schooling

Cuz they have the necessary ELEMENTARY education.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/evamPUNdit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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Scientifically a raven has 17 primary wing feathers.

The big ones at the end of the wing. These feathers are called pinion feathers. A crow has sixteen.

So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/createsean
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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Sherlock, what do they call primary school in America?

Elementary, my dear Watson

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πŸ‘€︎ u/puggoamber
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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I tried to write a Wikipedia entry about whales, but I didn't have enough primary sources.

[cetacean needed]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
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What’s a horse’s primary concern when voting?

A stable economy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/longshanks7
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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My son just lost a tight race in his primary election after I was physically withheld and denied the right to vote.

Sucks. He would have made a great second grade treasurer.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
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Why did the dead man see his primary health care provider?

He was coffin.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2016
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"Son, what're you drinking" "Soy milk"

"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/romben1
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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"I was teaching my son colours while I drove him to school."

"Primary?"
"No, he's in college."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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One of my boy scouts asked me, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?"

I said, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all."

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

I continued, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2017
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Things with "dad" in them

Crawdads, doodads, hodads, your mom, the babysitter, your second-grade primary school teacher ...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Harkonan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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Brought a tear to my eye

I'm currently teaching at a summer program for kids going into 1st grade through 6th grade. I've been using the opportunity to relentlessly torment the kids with dadjokes and puns, naturally.

This morning, one of my 6 year olds was having breakfast. She looked down at the oatmeal and said "Oooh, this is hot, and I'm cold."

She then instantly looked up at me and insisted "Don't call me cold, don't call me cold, don't call me cold!"

I'm so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dakana
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2015
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Who is the healthiest person in the Armed Forces?

General Well-being.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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I hate myself

phone rings β€œHello?” β€œHi, is your refrigerator running?” β€œYes...” β€œOh good, I’ll make sure to vote for it in the primaries!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oliviarose0504
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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A Political One.

Think back to the strategy employed by the Tea Party to primary out moderate Republicans and replace them with extremists.

The party kept the same name and in many ways yes kept the same policies, but underwent fundamental changes by replacing many of its parts with new, different ones, while still being the same party.

Would this strategy be called the Vote of Theseus?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StruckingFuggle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2017
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Dad Joked my cousin's girlfriend last night

My cousin's girlfriend (CGF) is a primary school teacher and last night we were discussing her class size and the subjects she teaches.

Me: "How big are the classes you teach"

CGF: "ive got 28 in english and maths, 30 in science and 28 in topics"

Me: "What on earth is topics?"

CGF: "oh its stuff like history, R.S, Art, Geography and all that stuff"

Me (With the biggest grin on my face holding back laughter): "OH, THE HUMANITIES"

my girlfreind and CGF groan, me and cousin laugh and high five.

Sidenote. My couisn is one of the biggest dad jokers ive ever met, so he really apreciated the terrible joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skin969
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2014
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Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kieuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
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A Scary Story

My father told me this when I was young. He grew up on a farm back in the 40's and 50's and for the longest time they had an outhouse that was their primary bathroom. One night he was sitting in there taking a crap when he hears a voice coming from below him. It was saying very quietly "If the log rolls over, we will die". He is sitting their puzzled but he keeps hearing it over and over again "If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die"...

Now he starts to freak out so he wipes himself and runs inside and grabs the flashlight off the counter and comes back out to check it out. Only now, it is louder and more frantic If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die.

He crept up to the toilet hole, turned on the flashlight and slowly peered over the edge of the toilet and what he saw scared the hell out of him...

It was a bunch of ants sitting on a turd and chanting If The Log Rolls Over We Will Die

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nimbusdimbus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2016
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On a trip to Universal Studios

This was quite a while ago, I was probably in middle school (currently 26). My family took a quick day trip to Universal Studios Hollywood since we live in the greater LA area. Now to set the scene, my dad is a native of Mexico but has lived here since his late teens so his English is pretty good with a tinge of an accent since Spanish is his primary language. We park in the parking garage on property and we do the usual "make a mental note of where we parked for later". That's when I see a smirk come across his face as he turns to me laughing under his breath.

-"What's so funny?"

-"Notice where we parked?"

-"Yeah. Jurassic Park lot, 3B"

Cue dad

-"Jurassic Park..." half expecting me to laugh. He continues "Jurassic Park... Jurr-Ass-is-Parked"

facepalm

As terrible as it was at the time, I've tried to pull this joke out with friends years later, eye rolls and crickets. Thanks dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lpmark04
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2015
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Got a kid in the daycare I work in

So I work in a daycare on weekend one of the kids that gets brought in every week name Quinn was telling me about her first weeks of grade primary. Quinn: "I got a book buddy this week and guess what?!? Her last name is Quinn just like ,y first name! Me: "Wow! What a Quinn-cidence" Unfortunatelt it went right over her head, but my coworker gave me a groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adischer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2014
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My brother is a biology student...

After having completed his internship on bowel diseases, he was talking about the primary function of the colon. When he was finished, I helpfully added that the colon has the added purpose of indicating that you were about to start a list. "For example, 'colon', item one, item two, item three..."

The groan/glare he gave me was quite a reward!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nmukerjee27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
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A raven has 17 primary wing feathers

These are the big ones at the end of the wing, also called pinion feathers. A crow only has 16 of them. So the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealisticFake
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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Sherlock Knows It

Sherlock, what do they call primary school in America? Elementary, my dear Watson.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/euwrank3262
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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