But in medieval they were named Lance a lot
It’s a gift.
Go to moon.
It was tense
This could never have happened without his tireless effort.
Things got a little tense
Samsings
A wrapper.
Sleigh Queen
He was absolutely delighted.
It's intense tense in tents
We all knew that at some point, we’d have to discuss the LA font in the room.
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
It was a real snoozer.
Cause they’re so knotty.
The policeman says “You are the lawyer!”
“Exactly, so where’s my present?” Replies the lawyer.
And he found out he got coat
Flying Saucer
"That's lit."
It’s more of a gag gift.
Because they always use slideshow!
You can say.....it’s a gift.
Wait till to hear what Matt Gaetz got!
It was ...a house warming gift.
He sits down and orders a beer
Then hears a soft voice say "That's a really good color on you"
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, shrugs, and sips his beer.
Shortly there after he hears another study voice whisper "That's a really nice tie"
Looking at the bartender the man says "Do you hear those voices? Because no one else is here except you and me!"
The bartender says "Oh yeah.. Sorry about that.. Its the peanuts, they are complimentary"
I present you, the grief-case
A broken drum. You just can’t beat it.
He's gifted
He calls them missile toes.
A broken drum.
You just can't beat it.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
You just can't beat something like that.
He sleighed Christmas this year.
Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat
What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?
Whose dean’s he?
A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:
“Ab rack and dab rack”
What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?
Slight of hand
The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked “birthday,” and said:
“Pick a card, any card”
The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:
In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.
Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.
I don't have any original material at the moment, but the obligations are still there. So I present the following:
How do you get a baby satellite to sleep? You rocket!
Why was Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
Eggs don't tell jokes because they always crack up.
What's a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he still won't come
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
He’s a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
Oh, they're covered in rapping paper.
The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.
When questioned, he said, "There's something about cleaning a mirror that just speaks to me. Not only can you see your progress as you go, I just know I'm helping someone see their true selves, for better or worse. I'm as surprised as you are, it's not a job I could ever see myself doing."
Show pan.
A severed foot. It’s the ultimate stocking stuffer.
A. To get to the other slide.
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
My dad is 80.....i'm 53. My sister gave him some stockings (like knee socks) from the Vatican that the Pope supposedly wears. Don't ask why it's not important. Odd gift but anyway.....
Dad: "Hmmm.... well that present couldn't be any holier."
Me: "Well if the socks had holes in them they would be holier."
My Dad: "jesus christ" <while stifling a chuckle>
my 20ish adult Kids: <blank stare and power down look>
I was so proud.
(Yes, that's a pun.)
Santa Claws
...I told him I was giving her an upright organ
It's a gift.
Santa clauses
A cardboard box, just what I wanted
I heard he was short staffed...
It is very by the numbers.
Because they always live in the present.
Santa Jaws
She's going to love these flowers!
It was tense
It was tense.
It was tense.
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
It was tense
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
Things got a bit tense.
t
It was tense.
It was tense.
A broken drum... you can’t beat it
...it was tense...
- Sir you are the lawyer...
- Then where’s my present??
A broken drum... you can’t beat it
It was intense.
It was tense.
its a gift
You can say.... it’s a gift.
You just can’t beat it.
It's a gift.
It was tense.
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
To get to the other slide.
A broken drum. You just can't beat it.
A broken drum... you can’t beat it
It was tense
It’s a gift.
... a broken drum, you can't beat it.
A broken drum . . . . . Wait for it... . . . . . . . You can't beat it!
Things got a little tense
