While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar.
I made this She's got of lumps and bumps but I'm overall happy she's finnished kings, queens, and non-binary beans I present to you, my Les-bee-ian 😂🐝❤️🧡🤍💗
One of Santa’s biggest fears is getting stuck in the chimney while delivering presents
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar.
Things got a little tense.
During my work presentation, I was asked why I struggle with shapes.
I said I would triangle back to that question later on.
Why did the German army not get presents from Santa during WWII?
Because they were naught-zis (Nazis).
(My 6 year old came up with this joke on his own out of the blue.)
I’m excellent at wrapping presents...
Why did only one letter of the alphabet get a Christmas present?
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present
And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"
What did Saruman say after Gandalf got him a birthday present
An Ophthalmologist receives a birthday present from his colleague Gynaecologist.
Ophthalmologist: - "Ahh, thank you so much! This is a crystal ball in the shape of an Eye. For your birthday I will...."
Gynaecologist: "Don't even think about it!"
Why don't trees get Christmas presents from Santa?
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
I have this incredible talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: "Blues Lee"
What’s the best present you can gift?
A broken drum kit.
Nobody can beat that....
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it's on the house.
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
Who brings a linguist their Christmas presents?
What is the best house warming present?
They really PRESENTED these jokes
How do toads open presents?
My weird talent is always being able to tell what’s in a wrapped present.
The Pasta, Present and Future [OC]
My wife asked me to help her wrap presents...
So I started doing my best human beatbox impersonation.
"Yo! Yo! Presents in da hizzzzzzz!"
She wasn't as amused as I was.
I got to open a present early. It was anti-gloating cream
I can't wait to rub it in
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
Teenagers are no longer getting many Xmas presents
Because they are in the noughties list.
Every year Santa delivers presents to the kids....
....based on what their parents income is.
What’s a Christmas present’s favorite sport?
I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: But you are the lawyer?
Me: Then where’s my present?
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.
The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
Swimming with sharks sure is expensive...
It cost me an arm and a leg
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar
And things got a little tense.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,
Things got a little tense.
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what is inside a wrapped present.
What’s the absolute best Christmas present?
A broken drum — you can’t beat it!
What is always wrapped up in the present ?
The past, present and future walk into a room.
Every year Santa delivers presents to kids....
.....based on what their parents income is.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
What’s a Christmas present’s favorite music?
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