My favorite thing about being born on labor day

Labor day I was born a pun and I love it. I'm legally pun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yaoi_boi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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An urban legend that was revealed on the movie Legally Blonde.

Guy 1: I heard that the main character kept stabbing people on the set filming Legally Blonde. I can't remember her full name. It was Reese..... something. She just kept attacking people one by one but I don't know who it was.

Guy 2: Witherspoon

Guy 1: No...... with her knife. Who would be that stupid to use a spoon to hurt over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/macman1604
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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Marine iguana's should be as legal as alcohol!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hello_stranger-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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In Illinois, it's illegal to have legal possesion over fecal matter of any sort.

Can't have shit in Detroit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Meini_Studios
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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What do you call legal attire?

Law suits

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S0n0fRuss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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I can now legally tell dad jokes so heres my favorite. What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?

Bi son!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Samfeegan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Why did the legally blind guy fall into the well?

Because he didn’t see that well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Did you hear about Oregon legalizing meth?

Yeah, they’re calling it their stimulant package!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majin-Steve
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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The legalize cannabis party had a fair few stoners voting for it this past election, but not enough to gain power

That’s a lot of wasted votes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, he will be rolling in his grave.
πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jarl_draven
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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I’m not legally allowed to marry my melon...

I’m so upset that we cantaloupe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDyingEraser
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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What is the most common outfit for lawyers to wear ?

A lawsuit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ironwarrior404
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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The U. S. Government legally believes in demons.

After all, possession is 9/10ths of the law.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madkins007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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I owed my friend $20 so I gave a few dollars, some loose change, and a few small pieces of fried chicken

It was all legal tender

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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Where do clothes go to settle their legal issues?

The shorts house

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foamy07
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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My family didn't have the appetite for my dessert puns. Please to enjoy!

Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke it’s leg?

Gingersnap


Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookies’ drawings?

Snickerdoodle


Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakery’s reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom?

Shortbread


Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven?

Angel food


Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade?

Peach cobbler


Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana?

Baked Alaska


Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day?

German chocolate


Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits?

Lemon bars


Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews?

Fondant


Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries?

Sherbet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fyrefrog25
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Picture Perfect Puns

Ancient Scot Richard's Warriors: Dick's Picts

Loki - Trick pics (from my brother)

Pictures of an Adam Sandler movie: "Click" pics.

Pictures of a Kaitlin Olson character: The Mick's pics

Screenahots of these comments: Wit pics

Leaky faucet: drip pics

X1 Cumberbatch photos: Benedict pics

X2 Pope photos: Benedict pics (also works)

X3 Turncoat snaps: Benedict pics

X4 "Wong" image: Benedict pics

Legal command: Writ pics

Pictures of twigs: Stick pics

A Christmas Story scene: lick pics

Pictures of a Winter Saint: Nick pics

Syringe photos: prick pics (from a friend)

Sporting goods store images: Dick's pics.

Dan Harmon cartoon character: Rick's pics.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndySkibba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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I’m legally changing my last name to Osophy

I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haas19
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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What’s the saying for when your protein powder gets spilled on your legal documents which divide all of your property after death?

Where there’s a will, there’s a whey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadowlast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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Okay, seriously people, calm down. There's no need to tailgate me when I'm doing 120 mph, over twice the legal speed limit. Just pass me already.

Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acromantulus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Son: β€œWhat crime would I be charged with if I broke into the Capitol and planted a forest?”

Dad: β€œWell I’m no legal expert, but I suspect there’d be some trees in there.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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I just became legally blind.

It was too hard to hide it from the cops.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bufadad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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I’m not legally blind...

...so I hide my cane every time the cops are around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bufadad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
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*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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I'm in a bit of legal trouble, I guess I should call -
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Archer3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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I made it a goal to become a legal citizen of Finland.

And I am not going to quit until I am Finish!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmahler0514
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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Apparently if you buy cabbage from coles supermarkets you are legally obligated to buy carrots and mayonnaise

They call it, Coles law

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StarvedAsian
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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So apparently this is legal in wrestling.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Verb_Noun_Number
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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Which musical instrument is most likely to take legal action against the others?

The sue-saphone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doug_The_Plug
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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When maijuana is legalized, all the money raised through taxes should go into road repair

It would be called Operation Pot Holes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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My dairy farmer uncle died leaving written legal instruction for me to inherit a single gallon of cheese production byproduct. Makes sense, because...

Where there's a will, there's a whey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadMoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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Bearly legal
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rorew
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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Waitt! I can explain..
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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What's the legal description when a midget is killed?

A gnomicide.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drk311
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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As weed legality gets better, I still cannot believe...

that I haven't heard of a single dispensary referring to itself as a "cannabusiness"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cuon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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If Michelle Obama were to run for president in 2020 on the campaign promise of legalizing marijuana, what would her campaign slogan be?

When they go low, we get high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tydyety5
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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Whats the difference between a human and an animal?

You can legally put down one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingxjulian0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents...

Contract lenses.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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If marijuana is legalized in America's 49th state, would it then become baked Alaska?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MinnyWild11
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
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Why did the legally blind man walk into a well

Because he couldn’t see that well

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EpicGamerman42069
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US,

He will be rolling in his grave.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2018
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If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ....

He will be rolling in his grave.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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